the first married man i fell for looked like a GOD to me. his body held these muscles like tote bags and his dreads were perfect.
i didnt know he was married.
not when i let him stroke my breasts.
nibble my neck.
i thought i was lucky. finally out of a relationship with a man that hated anything positive about the direction of my career. he'd rather see me down and out with nothing and no one to call my own but HIM. but that's so far away from the topic at hand.
that said, here i sat under the glory of this gorgeous man. i was flattered. and open. and all the other things you feel when someone really beautiful finds interest in you. at first, it was in passing. we worked together, sorta. so i saw him during those hours only. which was night time club action as we acted as promoters for various record labels. it never crossed my mind that he was married.
didnt even notice the ring.
call it naivete. i was just 22. brand new to this dating thing. but after the first kiss. after the sexy phone calls. after the invitation to a hotel bed. i found out he was very married. like -- a newlywed. less than a year under his belt as a married man and he was already sweating fresh meat. i was shocked.
still enthralled - don't get me wrong.
but definitely shocked! i thought, maybe she tricked him? she didn't really want to get married but she's pregnant and he had to do the right thing. not that, that would be a reason - but i was smitten. and needed justification for my crush's ill behavior.
he replied with little to no breath between the words. "i love her to death. we've known each other forever. i guess i ain't ready to be married."
i was dumbfounded.
my heart dropped. i believed in karma. and with my heart recovering from the same heartbreak that he was about to administer to his wife - i bowed out. not so graceful, i admit. i found myself plastered one evening reading sex poems on stage with him in the crowd. and i imagined just him and i. and i didnt care who saw. i guess it was my release. my way of letting go - before i let anything else go further.
i just couldnt do that to her. i didnt even know her. but she was me. and i felt it. like my soul would shatter if i slept with him. if i continued lying to myself and allowing him to lie to her.
so when he called again. i wouldn't take his calls. when business arose and we had to work together - if i couldn't trade the shift with another promoter - i would leave no room for words. hands on flesh. temptation.
he introduced us in a chance meeting. it was awkard for us - but she was sweet. and as beautiful as i suspected. and more friendly than any woman i've ever met. we became friendly acquaintances. she deserved so much more.
i never told her what happened. i didnt know how to fix the words. i mean who would she believe? this woman -- or her husband? i didn't know how to fix something that i didn't break - atleast not willingly. and gave her the only thing that i knew how - peace of mind. i never spoke to him again.