Thursday, December 30, 2004
or after this weekend, this disowned family DRAMA. who knows. too busy trying to keep my head above water mannn... i'll just call these growing cramps. and keep it moving...
shake off the bad vibes -- got bigger demons to conquer. back in london in february. recording for BBC's new spokenword project. im real excited about that. anxious, even... i actually put my new year's schedule here -- come chill wit me if i'm in ya area!
almost new year
5 - flypoet showcase, LA California
26 - Poets as Muse, Denver Colorado
27 - theatre showcase, Denver CO
28 - Cafe Nuba, Denver Colorado
9 - 10 Seattle, Washington
11 - Portland, OR
13 - PUNANY REVIVAL: featuring original cast members from the punany poets & much more! Bloomfield, NJ
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
it was a sad moment. in hindsight, i probably gave a little too much of myself. i don't think i understood the possibility of someone, especially a woman, taking advantage of me. but it happened. as young and aspiring poets, we were used for our hunger, our inexperience and our need to be "down" and once we became bigger than one could handle - we were subjected to criticism and scrutiny in hopes to break our stride at becoming our OWN person in the world of poetry.
its funny, it just like high school. one would think the gossiping and the lying would've stopped at age 17... that was just a test drive course for the real world.
so now. i sit a twenty-something single mom with even older women stratching at my soul for some redemption. its kind of sad. and unforunately, i still have ill feelings towards that woman. i know her present situation was created on the back and sweat of young and naive poets like myself. i was lucky, however, because i was able to walk about with my self-respect and begin the process as an artist on my own accord. she however, has continued to leach off of the strong people around her in hopes of feeling something better in life.
me and my girl shook our head in silence. we wished we could save the people she has dug her claws into, but it's an act that one will have to figure out for themselves. its like talking your friend out of staying with an abusive lover. they sometimes have to hit rock bottom, before they see the danger in them staying.
i love women. women like Bea, and Femi and Christa Bell and Piece and Jaha Zainaibu and Thea Monet and Bridget Grey and Queen Sheba and Amanda Diva and Sydnee Stewart and just women with the strength to act against the idea of women rivalry. somehow we believe feminisim and womanism to be nasty. ugly -- to close to lesbianism. ive talked to my childhood friends and their ideas of being friends with another woman is as likely as them cutting off their nipple. its too painful to even suggest. life has taught them women can't be trusted. look at the books; gold diggers and bestfriends who sleep with our boyfriends. look at the music videos; pick one. just look. there are very few positive images for women to view. so we find our reflection in women who are ashamed of their size, their skin color, their education; themselves. so when you meet a woman who may not have these hang ups -- it's like a slap in the face.
jaha, christa, piece, amanda, sydnee, thea and bridget provided a sense of sisterhood when our surroundings told them there was nothing to gain in bridging an alliance with another woman! some took me into their home, watched my child, acted as a sound board and kept me sane! all of us were pitted against each other at one time or another but we saw thru that shyt. its so funny, how society (both men and women) have been conditioned to think that women are NOT suppossed to get along. and sometimes, it's easy to believe.
i mean, when have you witnessed two women in a group of men "getting along?" singing groups and rap groups included! we have declared our own selfs as the enemy.
i think that's why i allowed the parasite-like-woman in my life. if she had been a man, i would've cut her off as soon as she pulled that egotistical shyt. but because she was a woman, i knew she had my best interests at heart. i was wrong.
that experience put me on a diet --warning me to stay away from sugar, carbs and women. but as i've grown, i've realized there are some strings pulled in the background that make women act like this to each other. in hindsight, the woman aka "parasite" treated us like "nothing" not only because we allowed her the opportunity, but because she saw greatness in our reflections. she was not ready to see herself along with strong women as equals, so she put us down in attempts to keep us as followers.
most women, can't allow another beautiful, strong and intelligent women in their space (cipher, crew, group, posse - ya get me) without feeling like her worth is being diminished or overshadowed. intimidation breeds envy, hate and self-degradation.
one might think that slavery is like sexism. you condition a people for so long be it with force, verbally or through images (ie., music videos) and it can become detrimental to their existence and mental health. it seems different enough -- but the long lasting effect is just as painful.
Monday, December 27, 2004
the funniest thing was the relationships -- they are just like regular couples (for those who ever questioned it) -- i just couldn't get with all the hand play... guess that's why im so man-hungry! remember that song maneater? lol that's definitely me. but otherwise, that show is HOT. i love everything about the damn thing and am considering purchasing the dvd so i can laugh all over again! lol
amari is singing on her new karoake machine! its hilarious! alot of usher, britney spears and oh yeah, elvis!?
gonna go finish working. got a lil' held back... whatcha doing for new years? i will be soaking up sand and man... ;)
i guess, im gonna keep bantering about that damn vacation til i finally have the swimsuit on, huh? just bear with me, would'ja?
when the smells
and the sounds arose
how we felt like the morning after
was just the morning before
it ever occurred
the tenderness spilled
over like milk
and it stains me
with reoccurence of a wet dream
in red and vibrant colors
spinning sun like silver
metalltic measurements of heartbeats
he clicks to me
two nods above water level
we are drowning in each other
this can not be safe
there is too much sweetness
i wonder what we look like
watching our silhouttes
goosebumps rise as we enter
barely an eclipse
this can't be sane
he makes me want to slit my wrists
and check my veins for the serum
anti-nemesis to my sanity
i believe this is what happens when
the intake of something so good
occurs in abundance
this makes the most sense
since we slept together for the first time
even then, we were unnerved
as we lay
murdock breathing our theme music
and it made me see all that she fell in love with
family is cool. sorta
amari is great. life is ok. in oakland still.
maybe that's why i feel so unstable
looking forward to that beach
and the lobster dinners! smile///
been thinking about getting past the hate. it really consumes me. the anger, the disappointment. it seems i can't get past anything lately. still upset with my first "love", brother, mother and father. now people in poetry, females and dudes with bad character, promoters, etc. its kinda heavy, ya know? someone told me once "no one owes you anything". if that's the case -- why do i feel like i owe everyone? been working on unKePt and "destroy" at the same time... check out an excerpt from unKePt
i try to think of how i was back then. was i, a woman of questionable intent? did i have hidden agendas? was i everything that i despise, now? i don't remember it being that way -- but i do remember the slew of married men. they always seemed to find an interest in me. the first one -- i found out he was married to a friend of a friend. that sealed the deal and my infatuation with him! ok. we kissed, once. and i sang to him in public. as seductive as my twenty-year-
old hips managed to sway in unison with the rhythm. but that's where it ended. right after that stunt, i threw up all the liquor and any ideas of him and i.
the second -- found out he was married upfront. ye,t he always found time to bring me a cup of cocoa to my office and we just talked about life, about music and i knew he liked me. i liked his company and the attention but refused to let he progress any further. our morning meetings were fun, until his wife learned about this, called me, stalked me to a nightclub and watched me like a hawk. i sang to him that night. not because i wanted him that bad -- because i wanted her that mad. she left in a huff. i laughed back to my seat, decided to leave even married men friends alone.
the third one -- actually took me on a date. he was a great kisser. i heard he had a girlfriend after the second date and asked him casually on our third date. after the ice cream sundaes and the make out session on the boardwalk. he sighed, said he had been married for a year. he wasn't happy and hoped this didn't mess up our friendship. i told him "this" was no longer a friendship! made him drop me off. deleted his number from speed dial. and ran up the stairs to my 3rd story studio. watched the skyline after he peeled off. thought i did my duty, as a woman. knew the karma would love me favorably in return. and now.
here i am. watching the clock and waiting for him to come home from her arms. they think i don't know. he pretends they are friends. and so does she. i can smell the truth. i think she has an idea. that's why i attached the spyware to his computer hard drive. started reading their emails back and forth to each other. the things they say to each other. i cried the first time i read it. reread it for hours. he was out of town, on some photo shoot with the label. returned home two days later and made love to me like he missed me for an eternity. told me he wanted to marry me. i accepted. pushed aside the emails and decided -- he can't bear to lose me. thought she was just a faze. but then, two weeks ago. it got distant between us. he sleeps on the edge of the bed, if he sleeps. no more spoon facing each other. he doesn't massage my neck or rub my thighs when watching tv. we don't even sit in the same room anymore. so i decided to check the emails again. there were so many emails since we've been engaged. him telling her he loves her. her begging him to leave me. him telling her he misses her. her begging him to come take care of their child. i've been numb ever since. and he wonders why i won't let him touch me.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
drove for 2 and a half hours to get to the raleigh airport to fly to 3 different states (damn southwest) before i finally got here. but im here! went straight to it's all good, a banging bakery in the bay, and picked up a peach cobbler (fresh outta the oven) then went to emma's and got a catfish dinner (cmon, you know i can grub)... feelin much heavier. no doubt because of the family issues that plague many dysfunctional groups - im sure.
my favorite uncle got outta jail on sunday, great to hear his voice. my aunt and i finally got to talk after some long months. and i've been watching myself watching my younger cousin (14) rub her swollen belly holding a 7month old fetus... feels wierd. all of this. i work with young girls like her. sometimes i feel like i messed up. worried about the world of flowers instead of my own garden! then i get a call from urban word. doing two more workshops for them! women in hip hop: a writers group & performance poetry...
think i can give this global takeover thing another try? gotta go look at the enormous stomach and try no to let her see me cry.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Sun - got back to brooklyn at 4am. slept for 3 hours. left and picked up amari from ms. sybil's then we jumped on the turnpike and started a 10 hour trip to North Carolina... had a show in raleigh. very tired. even now, thinking about the road got me fatigued. after 8 long hours -- Jive and his impeccable navigational skills got me to pull over and catch a 1hr and a half nap. lovely! pulled into raleigh around 6pm - nice! just in time to change outta my driving slippers (holla) and get amari situated in the VIP lounge (all disney all day!)... unfortunately, the rain wasn't very nice to us and the crowd attendance was lackluster, to say at best, but we had an all right time. i got busy with the bbq meatballs ( u ain't know?) and finished off my set with single muva... very hard to do after 10 hours of driving, i say! no wonder they didn't get half of my jokes, i started the beginning and or end in my head! the crowd was only privy to the memorized work -- anything else sounded like "whaaaa whaaa whaaaa whaaa"!
great participation. great sales. can't be mad. the promoter, lorenzo, even brought his beautfiul daughter, lauren, to play with amari... now that's southern hospitality! he's a good dude... and his appreciation for the art is always refreshing. but no more sucking up to the great promoters of the circuit (its just soooo few and far between that you gotta acknowledge this!). got back in the hooptie rolled out (with the expertise of Jive of course) and made it in another 2 and a half hours to charlotte. fell asleep around 3am... couldn't remember my name by then. cali tomorow -- taking a flight! thank gawd
whatchu do for the weekend?
Friday, December 17, 2004
body filled with electrical currents
i can't stop moving
smirks by will
it feels so good
how he moves me
like lyrics to my favorite song
where humming provides me the leisure
of making a sound
that i can control
no fever, so it's probably something she ate. she's such a dramature... holding her head and questioning "why"...dont think she is going to school. which means, no christmas party... gotta figure some stuff out. back in 2 and 2 *remember love connection??*
Thursday, December 16, 2004
You were before this time/I could tell
By the way you kicked my right side/belly
Swollen/full of love
And you/made visions of wisdom/
You keep me focused/I smile/
Too big to be angry/not as sick these days/
You see/I realized you didn’t like popcorn/
But the smell of fresh fruit/ripened/
And sweet/to taste/
I wait for your arrival/belly low now/
Daddy gone now/but life goes on/now
I promise/you will see life/
Through rose colored lenses/even
If I have to give my own eyes/for you/To view the world
***slam bush*** a competition specifically designed for those who dislike bush... write one yourself, see what happens!
Humming a political hymn as George W. Bush
Treats America like Billie Holiday
Leaving her broke
And near dead by the time you hear this poem
And in the land of the deadly and unjust
A young man from suburbia
With bright eyes and dull ideas wonders how the ghetto taste
I say it taste like smoke bombs in Brooklyn
Heat bombs in Bagdad
Suicide bombers in Israel
Roach bombs covering the concrete floors of any concrete jungle
its 2004 and
the war has yet to stop in the 5 boroughs of NYC
the blacktops of South Central still harbor gang wars from spilling over into Hollywood’s lights
its where the projects of Louisiana house desperation
and you can smell it all the way to Houston and Dallas
Bush is still rich
And so is his daddy
So why do I still know single mother’s who can’t afford a pap smear
Can’t pay the utility bills with her tears
Why do I watch father’s lose their hopes in the fold of the industrial prison complex
Lose their manhood on primetime slots during Cops
So just call me the kettle – better yet call me Black
Cause I’ve been Black and WOMAN and unpatriotic since the auction block
Not American enough since Hottentot Venus stood full frontal
Behind glass casing
Stripped of her clothes but never her dignity
Never considered American enough to rescue from
Like Nick Berg
His insides poured out and the only things his country could offer
Is the most internet downloads in history
So when my 6 year old asks why people hate Bush
I reply simply
People don’t hate BushThey just hate stupidity
there are more ways to dance over the dead
than there is to pray
I’ve watched grey skies permeate
my daymares into reality
slow winds play noose strings
and the sky remains as beautiful
as the day they hung from incense cedar
branches too small lay piled at there feet
suspended above air
and screams ran thin
nothing pierced the sky like their cries
and I have never blamed the sun
or even the trees
there are dreams made under their bend
fallen leaves taste like freedom
like sweet peppers, mufongo and gumbo with okra
sensations awakening like our right to be here
where time is lost in their shadows
I swim deliriously beneath their shade
spirits entangling my laughter with arms
as wide as their restraints allowed them
while I bask under the sun
it kisses my brown edges
the wind whispers and their remains are scattered like dust
dancing with my curves in a movement of free will
embers of burned bones buried beneath the surface
rise every full moon
just to smell the revolution
it be like black smoke
hands outreached purposeful
now smiles sit on their faces
the sky touches their fingertips
as they paint masterpieces
construct the perfect song
and build theories still unknown to man
here, nothing binds them to the trees
and the sky
has never looked so beautiful
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
how'd jay z say "this moment of clarity"...
ive been having quite a few of those moments... you know how you feel when someone lies to you and then the truth comes out. you start sitting around and calculating shyt in your head! like ooo, that meant this really. and this meant that. and now -- that makes sense! i've been dealing with that alot! but i can't let it stress me... just started putting pen to pad and fingertips to keyboard on my new novel... unKept
also, much love to roger for all the edits for my newest book of thoughts: destroy, rebuild and other reconstructions of the human muscle -- that will actually be available february 2005... how's that for progress? lol got a new article coming out in KING mag, jan 2005 -- check dat out! all about mike cirelli and his creative invention Hip Hop Poetry & The Classics for the Classroom, a manual for teachers outta touch with the hiphop culture and their students.
but enough about me & my life -- what's going on with you? any new music i should check out? books? websites?
my first published book of poems & essays: THIN SKIN -- available now! First 50 Orders FREE SHIPPING! Just in time for Christmas/Hannukah & Kwaanza
THIN SKIN IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE (just $13 clams!)
Mahogany L. Browne, a freelance journalist for several international publications including King, The Source, Honey, & XXL returns from her 3rd European tour. This poet, who made her poetic debut with the safe sex troupe Punany Poets on HBO's Real Sex 24 & 26 currently focuses on our youth, teaching young women offenders, teenage pregnant girls, young fathers and disadvantaged to find their voice through creative writing.
buy the book & cds HERE
Check out Mahogany L. Browne on Music Choice! Her third album Black Secret Soul has been added to the SpokenWord Station featuring production by DJ Static, DJ Doughboy & more!
buy the book & cds HERE
buy the book & cds HERE
Interested in learning how to write poetry or monologues? Want to explore the world of performance poetry? Join my workshops for youth and adults. I have facilitated writing and performance workshops for the District Attorney of Brooklyn, Non-Profits throughout the Tri-State area and overseas. If you are interested in offering workshops to a group or signing up as an individual, please request a cirriculum and rate sheet firstname.lastname@example.org
buy the book & cds HERE
buy the book & cds HERE
Dec 19: Let Cha Soul Speak - Raleigh, NC
January 5: FlyPoet Showcase - Los Angeles, CA
January 15: When Sistas Speak - Toronto, Canada
January 26 - 31 Denver, CO
Writer Educational Constultant Performer
mahogany's" official website & interactive blog
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
we know what pain is
but can't feel the sting when inflicting
it on others
reaching for someone
respecting their boundaries
stings like pepper
in eyes and tears on cheeks
won't drain this feeling
sometimes. i live with abandon
and feel out of touch
the hardest part of loving
is giving up the will
to protect your vulnerablities
don't believe in fairytales
just the beauty between two people
sharing dreams and making plans
i admit it
i like my mind involved in the activity
leave the poetics behind
at that moment
its just raw
with words like
never like romantic movies
we don't barely touch
and hold and bite for life
leave bruises for next morning's
it is better than sex scenes
in slow motion
silhouttes pressed with space slightly between the two
kisses that look feverish
don't leave a trail of saliva and desire
it's wet and sticky
and smells like sex
taste like now
ripe and ready
trail the naval downward
as fingers find their place in places
never like the movies
no soundtrack suggesting we climax
no ass slaps penetrate the movies
we are fitted into tight places
contorting pieces of us til everything touches
ankles and calves tightened
a sweaty process
loud and sweaty and right
and we knew it after the 2nd climax
this is everything the silver screen can't embody
perfect the pitch pounds walls
and the bed scratches floor boards
and the whispers turn to pleas
turn to screams turn to sighs
turn to silence
turn to smiles turn to kissing
turn to touching
pulling and holding and loving again
they never show you these lines
the complete anarchy of one's limbs
or the smirks received when passing
THIN SKIN - Mahogany L. Browne
Deals with the Devil & Other Reasons to Riot -- Pearl Cleage
Assata -- Assata Shakur
The Spook That Sat by The Door -- Sam Greenlee
Seeking Salamanca Mitchell -- Kenji Jasper
Doom Fox -- Iceberg Slim
Push -- Sapphire
A Taste of Power -- Elaine Brown
Who's Gonna Take the Weight? -- Kevin Powell
Malcolm X Autobiography
When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost -- Joan Morgan
Eyes Free -- Taalam Acey
A Hip Hop Story -- Heru Ptah
Quincy Jones BiographyMiles -- Autobiography
Spell on You -- Nina Simone Biography
Prisoner's Wife - Asha Bandele
Dakota Grand -- Kenji Jasper
The Autograph Man -- Zadie Smith
Daughter -- Asha Bandele
Makes Me Wanna Holler -- Nathan McCall
Mama's Girl -- Veronica Chambers
Your Blues Ain't Like Mine - Bebe Moore Campbell
Stupid White Men -- Michael Moore
A People's History of the USA -- Howard Zinn
Lies my Teacher Told Me -- David Loewan
The Black Handbook
Downsize This -- Michael Moore
DaVinci Code -- Dan Brown
Night Work -- Nelson George
Soul on Ice -- by Eldrige Cleaver
Monday, December 13, 2004
ideas -- working on a new novel...too much life happening around me for it to pass these concepts forming in my head...
book - Thin Skin is here! Buy ya copy NOW....great christmas present, everyone in my fam is getting one! lol
home - i organized my dvd collection, dusted and put together my bookcase from IKEA (who loves them like i do!!?)
amari - she had a sleepover. loved it. took her to chuck e cheese (indoor playground for kids) got real broke! but she loved it. and she's reading at 3rd grade level... i love her
him - gets on my nerves, stresses me out, keeps me guessing, tries to better himself & our lives, is always there, loves me back, loves me back, loves me.
vacation - so we are doing it. no work for atleast 3 days. a beach in puerta vallerta mexico is the plan. im so giddy it feels like i drank 2 pints of coffee... you don't get it -- there has been NO holiday for about 6 years. always working when i travel. even when i check out the natives -- its still work related... this is strictly us time!
album - static linked me up with some new tracks, as did karega. black secret soul is spinning on music choice right now (nationally syndicated cable music channel!) -- holla back if you love ASCAP
what else? i dunno... check back in a few, im sure i will pull something outta my ass... terrible analogy but you get me!
Saturday, December 11, 2004
looking for a few good men to take on the uk
i missed that life
long -- but still fufilling
but love nonetheless...
chilled out w/pen, bam & even dude from black sheep was there!
had a gang of fun!
i haven't felt like that in a minute!
going out tonite...party with more friends
remember why i'm here while amari has a sleepover w/piper...
poems...not today. life is happening. time to put the pen on pause and live like a normal person. cabin fever can be a bytch... what are you doing today?
Friday, December 10, 2004
so did hilary
as did jackie onassis
it cuts deep
deeper than most might admit
it's because women like us
i know how it feels
to feel pulse to lips
lips to lips
no sweet tender touch
to remind us how life
got to be like molasses
we met in another lifetime
rolled our blankets in backpacks
and headed down the highway
looking for a place to exist
this is the beginning
it will be just that
and then you will wake
see sun crowding your ceilings
smell bed sheets and breath
and dust mites
will linger by the neruda love poems collection
waiting for you to re visit them
as you dance
in the arms of a man
who's loved you
since you first spoke
as it was written
it will stand
like testaments and scriptures
of women with strength
pulsating through our veins
we are without consequence
willing to give our heart
offer it to the mantle
and golden spaces
that fill our nostrils
climb in our mouths
and remain as a reminder
leaving no one
and raw as sugar
it hurts like life born
and summonation of death
this love calls through the
riding soundwaves like
young'ns on dirt bikes
and it's grimy
this type of love
that taste like sweat
and it hurts the most when
subjected to scrutiny
we know this
those unready won't get it
and just laugh
at the non-believers
like you know betta...
Thursday, December 09, 2004
(a poetic quickie, i'm sorry)
... anyway. enjoy the lighter side of life. enjoy your loved ones and as long as these cats don't piss me off -- i will continue to scribe for the love of it...
We shared cold beers
And flirtatious eyes
“I could build a kingdom around your smile”
This is why I’m afraid of male poets
Never sure if they are genuine
Or just working on new lines
Tips the beer by its neck
To full lips and teases me
I’m aware of this
Tension splitting between my shoulders
Sitting underneath my spine
And settling in my lap
And ideas intoxicate me faster than the
I act unmoved
We flow into easier conversation
“Single he asks?”
My lap heats up
Candles flicker knowingly
I ignore him
Licking froth away from colored glass
As if it were him
I touch shadows with tongue
Our eyes meet
Our hands brush
He holds my fingers
Searching my palms for the answer
Locating the truth by swirling
His thick brown
Around my ring finger
My heart sighs the answer
Electric waves floating
Past our ears
And playing with body parts
As if nothing ever transpired
I am ready
To reach beneath your skin
Feel for your pulse
Lather my fingers with your blood
Sew up your wounds with my love juices
I need to feel the muscles
Begging for my attention
Beneath your shield
You held me
Mesmerized by my plumpness
Don’t lose it
I remind myself
Your cheek scratches mine
In a brush of skin
Our layers bursts with anticipation
Sweat follows the small of my back
Finding your hands
I try not to swoon
But I can only think of your scent
Cocoa butter, man and want
You urge me to return with you
Find refuge in your private space
Knowing now is just as inappropriate as
The first time we met
Soaked with desire and attached
But the here and now is imminent
And we can’t let go
Our limbs swirled around each other
We’ve started a journey
No maps required
Using our fingers and tongues like Braille
Pores taste like promises
I’ve guessed your age
And your shoe size
I wonder what you dream
As you snuggle under my gaze
Unsure of your footing
Afraid this road isn’t ready for your weight
I feel your hesitance
It stings like mine, I reply
But the most fatal step
Are those filled with remnants
now this one is like the consequence of the aforementioned... it wasn't written as a series, i guess it just works out like that! i am trying to pull out several dimensions with this joint so please ... check back for the evolution of the poem.
He left me
to make a statement
only proving he was man enough to break a woman’s heart
loving to the eyes
Made moons eclipse
Had me star struck during daybreak
I wished upon his lashes every time he blinked
I never anticipated the end of forever
So now here we are
Two days from the end of the existence
As we know it
We only hours from falling into a pattern
Wanted to refurbish
Our lives together
Create tranquility between each heartbeat
Dance like lovers under moons painted
our bed sheets
The color purple
Bled pain when he spoke of leaving
He said I was his kryptonite
And my only problem was that I made him feel like a man
He thought never leave meant
Leave when you least expect it
Couldn’t wait for the other shoe to drop
Didn’t know how to just be
Said happily ever after was simply a marketing phrase
And we were just a commercial break for tampons
Condoms and microwave dinners
And only necessary if you were afraid of death
& he had already died once
This life was just a test of his endurance through hell
Now, we wait
Wait for this break up to end neatly
He sounds pleased: can we be friends?
I lie: yes
Then reconsider: no.
No moments past now will allow me to think of you
In the arms of another woman
Her folds framing your face
Your hands grasping her waist
Your attention, kissing her flesh
And you want me to make it easier for you
To make life harder for me
I’m sorry, I can’t be your friend.
Startled, his eyes reveal
He has a history of making women cry
But only feel sorrow once their tears tap dance on his conscious
Interrupted by my heart breaking loudly like
The shrapnel scatters and slices rip from his “it will be ok” grimace
Severing my arteries and hope
This is it
I know it
Allowing the silence to encompass my lungs like a
Victim succumbing to the strength of the sea
I pause to say goodbye
Head to chest and wet fabric bomb shelter barrier now between
p a s t
Expound the air that breathed rich
Like when he sang to me, off key
And I swear
As we stood there
His heart murmured relief
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
can you be friends with those who lie?
can you exist without defining your character?
who wants to live in nyc and what for -- the option of saying it?
(i actually can answer that question.)
how do you look yourself in the mirror?
when is lust and desire worth it?
is their truth in silence?
how can he be everything to everyone without being something to himself?
can you stand the rain?
holla if you love and miss the real new edition!
do tears spilled mean the same thing they used to -- or have we learned to manipulate tears ducts like people?
when is enough enough?
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Monday, December 06, 2004
some say i am untrusting
many have proved this defensive mechanism
a necessity to maintain
im in an arena where honesty is simply a word
there is no honor
there are few morals
and integrity is compromised
i speak in pauses
i try not to -- but it is hard...
like now -- this is not a poem
there is nothing poetic about hurt
and pain and i know you see the tears but you will never experience the injustices
humans provoke for play
dangerous lifestyles dig early graves
there is no grass greener than that of which you can maintain
i hold grudges
taurean mother with a little girl's heart in my palm
i protect the weak and the strong
we must rise together
there are no sunrises that mark the time of our progression
our thoughts will serve as markers in this task
we are the beautiful
she is beautiful
i've loved her since her kicks tapped on my stomach in a code
known to mother's
will survive this
i wonder if i will ever be able to say it beyond the page
so i strive
for her ability
to believe without the burden
of my pain
Sunday, December 05, 2004
He kissed me like that
In the beginning
Like our lips apart were unimaginable
Our torsos touching
Nothing else mattered
Just the breathing patterns
We mixed them in a perfect crescendo
Our bodies pulled the silence apart
Tore our single lives into fours and birthed monogamy
I wondered if we were ready
If he were too single for saving
Still new to this dating
We called fate's bluff
Closed our eyes
Saturday, December 04, 2004
its the smallest things
that make the world ripple
we go back
i hate you
i hate him
like its purposeful
these words carry thorns like roses
that will never be brought to my doorstep
ive met my prince charming
i've exchanged him for a
mickey mouse clubhouse member
letting air whispers kiss earlobes
and i want to tell him im sorry
for the hurt
the hurt that feels like my everyday smile
when there is nothing worth the strain
i hate him
i hate you
so hard and long that i forget how it feels
to just love
for any reason
and beyond reason
ive realized the cycle has been in motion
for scores now
we play memory tag
pushing buttons that pause the best times of my life
he wants me
between fleeting thoughts
i smell the world like a newborn must
its easy to say stop the hate
when the void is filled with love
hollow tombs rest beneath bones
and envy scurries rat-like
eating away pieces of flesh
spoiled by his touch
its not that big a deal he thinks
while his choices turns our lives
fingertips brand initials
atop the heart strings
and he keeps me dancing
to the tune in his head
how to let go (a work in progress)
realize your existence
just pieces to a puzzle
that's bigger than you
and it hurts
i can see the anger
you don't know how to take it
but just take it
wrap it in your emotions
and false composure
now think... twice
under your nails
like the hurt
and fake jewlery
shining bright under dim lights
beneath the glitter
it remains dull
memorize this feeling
accepting defeat will be the hardest
it will only last as long as you think about it
it will never be enough/never fill the gap/never touch the core/that you stole from my being/my center allows no more remorse/or sorrow/in retrospect/it was easier to walk away/laugh like i didn't know/but im a woman/touched with intuition/and the need to be right/ive stopped looking in newspapers for your soul/gave up the search and rescue/figured the milk carton with your description would be enough/if its meant to be/i understand/there was never a place for you to sit/and think/i tasted the desperation/on your eyelids/when i kissed you goodnite/didn't want to know/you weren't really sleeping those hours/where i lay/cold/detached/and waiting/for the space that sat like miles/between us/cornered our pillows into silence/the sheets confessed/they were just an accomplice
Friday, December 03, 2004
Thursday, December 02, 2004
before the words
traced the outline of lies
spewed by maidens
that aren't as fair
as the story or the poem or the song
said they would be
could not be
more than a girl
in grown woman's clothes
she spins in fabric
with false rhythm
she thinks linear
but we live vertically
assured this is the beginning of the
where nothing right
glows like the aura of evil
it permeates the soul
and slips between the sheets
if you let it
but we won't let it
still she tries
pulling for a life deferred
swallowed by self-pity
she too has loved in numbers
exceeding and with the exception
of the magic ONE
her heart wasn't ready for sunrises
as innocent as laughter
and untainted conversations
she is heaving now
too big to swallow
reponsibility of a pain
it feels like lava
is what it was before
how it is
and what it will forever be
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
nails cleaned -- not manicured
i dont like waxed eyebrows -- especially on men
i love the apprentice
spongebob squarepants (i got stickers, the toothbrush, shower curtain, dvd's, blow up dolls...)
poems about love
men who believe in romance
supportive family units
compassion -- that's sexy
artists with real visions
ambition -- that's sexy too
smiles that are genuine -- those are incredibly beautiful
loyalty and honesty are two of the most attractive qualities
what floats ya boat?
about the simple things
when families consisted of mothers and fathers
when we weren't living in the land of the quick fix
(marriage and divorce included)
and when black love was constant...
i miss that. i think holidays really do it to me. remind me what i missed as a child. though my father wasn't around -- i knew i would be in a position where my family would have everything including the dog, the fence and the man from which the sperm dwelled. but as life turns out -- we don't get everything that we want. i know how it feels to want sunday dinners. and walks in the park with the kids in front. and the board games and the pizzas and the laughter. its warm. i know how it feels to want the stress that comes with the family. the bills and the braces and the clothing shortage and the hot water shortage. i know how it is to want something constant like love through the pain. as a single mother -- i have all that stress and though i am not married -- i am blessed to be able to share that with the man in my life. he is kind, supportive and very special. while he is not the father of my daughter -- he is the man in our life. and i know that's an incredible role to fill. especially if you don't see that in your immediate plans. but he is a trooper. he deals with two women with big egos and mouths like a champion. it ain't easy, i assure you. but he is here.
i wonder what my mother went through all those years. raising three kids, after a failed marriage and another physical relationship that produced bruises and addiction -- i wonder, how she wanted anything more to do with men... she provided for us without bantering an eye -- atleast in our view -- and i didn't see the marks left by years of pain until i was well into my twenties. right now. i wonder if my partner will leave me. leave me for someone without children, someone without the baggage of a single mother scorned by her her highschool sweetheart and his infidelity. leave me for someone without the stretchmarks that prove sometimes parenting is beyond our control. i wonder if he'll leave me for someone that doesn't smell like diapers and tears and distress and sand and chalk and hair grease and bills and struggle and loneliness. it's lonely as a single mother. even with all his support and guidance and suggestions -- i hold the burden that life for my daughter won't be ALL that she deserves. i know that will be my cross to bear.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Sunday, November 28, 2004
we starting our business
jive and i argue about everything
this included -- what's new?
cali was cool
poetry lounge was dope
ran thru that spot with my people's damon
he's in the navy
we argued about that the whole ride from san diego
to los angeles
it was women's nite. my girls thea and bridget grey were hosting
a couple of other ladies were as well...april i remember -- she has a cool sound. and a systa named Tamala...
thea ripped it! she had a beautiful poem about being married, stressing and stuggling with her husband artist/poet/mc GAKnew and how it all was worth it! i love them man! they make me believe in love -- especially in this f-d up game called poetr (congrats on the nu baby ya'll!).
i couldnt stay long -- so i didnt get to hear bridget (but then i also got there late)... however, running into george was great ("he seasons the meat") and hollering at molly was real.
overall: it was cool. even if damon and i argued the next 120miles back to San Diego about the state of woman hood and my responsibility to the drama... i believe, i have no responsibility to the poets -- but to the people.
he believes i am an artist and somewhat in this limelight, that makes it my responsiblity to be extra nice to artists who may feel intimidated by me. i disagree. it was a long nite. thanks for the convo damon -- but i still feel you are off ya rocker on that one! but thanks for the jack n the crack!
anyway -- so now im back in nyc.
taking dance lessons so i can have a freekin' hobby again!
arguing with jive as usual...but i have a couple of shows im looking for to... my dec 4th poetic theatre class is having their final show. my hip hop poetry class is having their final show on dec 13th @ the bowery and im in jerz wit my peoples mike and my big cousin likwid...
tell me what you doing?
anyway, now im back in
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
got a pedicure
i have a show at da poetry lounge in la tonite
its the west coast version of the nuyorican
except -- its usuall y free to get in
and its much more theatrical...
im kinda tired
will be driving to the bay area first thing in the morning
my sister has ANOTHER dog
he is a mountain of hair and dog smell
she named him after our deceased grandmother (oh boy)
im ready for peach cobbler
turkey and to be back home in bklyn
i was talkin to this young man
and its funny
he says he believes in love
yet -- he goes about finding it
i mean -- if you are looking for everlasting love
you dont introduce yourself as
"i've been watching you all nite (shift manhood here)
and i think im fallin in love (again)."
i won't put his name on blast
cause he really is a good guy, just a bit distracted (to say the least)
so fellas for your holiday cheer, here are tips!
1 - been innovative. say something that is genuine -- but not something you've heard JERRY MAGUIRE say
2 - be exclusive. if you holler at her, don't holler at her friend within 10 minutes. it makes you look slimy and they laugh at your expense later.
3 - be honest. believe it or not, this works! if you just want a quickie (rarely -- but it happens) say ahead of time what you are and are not capable of! you don't want to find yourself with a wife and kids 2 years later, while you partake in cyber porn to dull the cheating sensation.
4 - be nice. assholes may have fun -- but they aren't the men we dream of. we dream of respectable men who value what a woman says and feels. screw that old time "nice guys finish last" -- those are the women you DONT want a relationship with... next thing you know, she wants you to beat her up before sex (and that's a whole nother blog)!
www.mobrowne.com/story.php -- sign the guestbook and have great karma
mahogany l. browne
a couple of shows coming up:
dec4 - bdway - a workshop featuring my kids @ park west!!
dec 5 - Port Africa, Edison NJ
dec 8 - Barnes n Noble Wilton, CT
dec 9 - Fundraiser! NAPPI JAZZ BABIES (butta, mahogany and more)
Friday, November 19, 2004
With borrowed breathe
Why you ain’t make me something better?
Cobblestone corners house her esteem
So she pours liquor down her throat
in attempts to forget
this is her life has been & always will be
if you dont change
cause change don't come for free
and freedom is more than just what you speak,
its what you do
how you live
what you give
Too afraid to define
Her own self
She creates this
Reincarnation of jezebel
Fish netted too high heels
Fitted like glass slippers two sizes too small
Cause fairy tale divas don’t exist
Don’t know how pain taste
Can’t smell love
Just dry Blood
curldled inside pinched cheeks
her teeth sucks when she sees success
shadow of self doubt hide in her psyche
psyched herself out of living her real dreams
so now she daydreams
between stanzas and paragraphs
finds herself stalking shadows
she knows nowthis is how it feels to be insane, unkept
like weeds smothering the rose
when buds were just beginning to form
Uninterested in planting seeds
More concerned with fertilization
That’s why she hates the trees
Envious of their graceful bend
Too weak to penetrate their roots
She’s watched them dance with the wind
Too closely, perhaps
Their permanence unattainable
And she feels it in her speech
So she speaks sideways
Keeping her eyes hidden from their shade
Forgetting cracked hands like these
Once embraced each other
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
i have simply copied and pasted the comments, conversations and viewpoints. this is more of a response than i could ever have asked for. let's make a change people...and if you ain't ready for change -- get the fuk outta my way!
Conversations with Real Women and Men...
derri427: I was getting angry/annoyed reading it
mahogany browne: how so??
derri427: thinking about how much I agree with you but really don’t want to
mahogany browne: who u tellin! annoyed with reading or the topic?
derri427: I don’t want to feel that hate toward other black women. I’m annoyed remembering that I feel the same way. but women push up.
mahogany browne: entirely too hard
derri: it's all self hate though
derri: see....that’s the true transgression right there
derri: it's really about respect and perspective
derri: people lack that, we're out for self so fuck the emotional repercussions
mahogany browne: I can dig that
derri: I understand the thought process but I don’t identify with it
derri: see, this is my thing now, I know they're that way b/c of some lack of love/care in their life and I don’t want to continue to inflict but I won't do it at the cost of letting myself be disrespected....and therein lies the rub
derri: know what I appreciate the most about the poem though....? the emphasis you place on the love between the women and sideline the men in the middle
derri: b/c they truly are just middlemen in a lot of cases
derri: I just don’t understand how someone can act with that much disregard
mahogany browne: me neither
mahogany browne: I never ever would do it
mahogany browne: I had many chances
mahogany browne: and as soon as I found out they were married or whateva
mahogany browne: I LEFT
mahogany browne: I felt it my duty, not to hurt another woman
mahogany browne: and I know that’s a bit much
mahogany browne: but I believe we as woman can stop this problem if we say NO
mahogany browne: leave her then fuk wit me or not at all!
derri: (men and their decision making is a whole other conversation)
mahogany browne: word up!
mahogany browne: i'm not even gonna take it there!
derri: I don’t know what it is, maybe women feel like the pool of eligible men is drying up so now its grab-n-go when it comes to relationships
mahogany browne: that’s not the focal point
derri: another day
mahogany browne: word!
derri: another poem
mahogany browne: but the problem still lies within
derri: oh definitely
derri: question is how do you get inside to fix it
mahogany browne: which is my dilemma
derri: when a FRIEND can be that fake with what you thought were their inner feelings, you have to stop to think what’s the extent of that inner destruction and are they past helping
derri: the optimist in me says no but sometimes I wonder
mahogany browne: I try not to be a pessimist
mahogany browne: but
mahogany browne: everything in my history tells me not to trust women
mahogany browne: and not to trust men...men you sleep with anyway
derri: lol...damn, isn’t that sad
mahogany browne: so
mahogany browne: i've worked on my trust issues with men
mahogany browne: speaking up about concerns before they fester
mahogany browne: and as far as women
mahogany browne: I try harder
mahogany browne: because men are another species
mahogany browne: but I feel like, you my sista
mahogany browne: if I just put myself in your shoes -- it will work out
derri: you feel the more intimate the relationship the more tenuous the trust....yeah but people just don’t do that
mahogany browne: exactly!
derri: its crazy that things work that way
mahogany browne: it is
derri: I think it’s a good thing that you’re hurt over it
mahogany browne: yea?
mahogany browne: I don’t know...
derri: if you weren’t that would mean you'd become numb to feelings and made yourself "okay" with bullshit
VIC: I think its good...I think we've all been on that side of it and it seems very true to the experience
VIC: I’ve been on both sides of the issue
VIC: I know how it feels to love someone who's with someone else
VIC: I also know that you can love them and understand and respect their situation
VIC: and be responsible and NOT cross those lines
mahogany browne: that’s my point
mahogany browne: NOT crossing those lines
mahogany browne: is a big difference
VIC: I also know that women aren’t born to do that...be conniving and covet etc.
VIC: usually they had experiences that made them get into those situations
mahogany browne: hmmmm
VIC: I’ve been betrayed by a friend of mine, who slept with my guy with no regard for me. I know she did it because she has emotional issues I’ve forgiven her...but it took me like 10 yrs
mahogany browne: we as women have nurtured other women thru these things. my question is why do continue doing it to other women? the cycle is perpetuated by the same creatures that have suffered from it
VIC: I think that it’s more than a "woman" issue
mahogany browne: I think that’s where it starts
VIC: I think it’s bigger than that
mahogany browne: it affects everyone. but it’s like gratuitous booty shots. it won’t stop until there is a halt in the practice of women
VIC: its the 'fuck you...ima get mine" mentality. it runs all through our community etc
mahogany browne: exactly
mahogany browne: but in this case
mahogany browne: this is something that can change
VIC: fuck the community...i’m going to sell my drugs and get the rims fuck the consequences...i’m fuckin them bitches and doin me and if they get pregnant that’s on them as a community its our responsibility to be responsible with our knowledge and with other people
mahogany browne: why would we continue behavior that we have seen self-destruct
mahogany browne: like some sort of spiteful vindictive BITCH shyt!
wow that’s deep and important because so many women are ignorant to effect of their actions and the repercussions of their actions. I think it’s always been here and it will always be here. You take it like you take all forms of ignorance, with a quick dismiss and keep movin’. Being in a relationship I’ve been on the receiving end of unwanted advances once in a awhile you drop wifeys name as to not be rude most of the time they’ll get the point. There’s always a lil’ demon inside of men saying - you could get that easily. She’s on you. But love beats the hell out that demon every time at least for me it does. And it’s an even bigger boast to my lil ego to decline :-) Keep writing sis. You have something to say and I love you for that.
I fully agree with it. I think that sisterhood is no longer the same because of women like that and more importantly the lives many of those women come out of believe they're nothing if they don't have all the male attention. Comes from not having good fathers many times. Thus they seek the love they never got in the world and feel threatened by other women as competition for their goals… Maybe she's jealous of the purity of your relationship. But anyway that's some foul shit. I hope you're through with her.
Unfortunately, the act of disrespect has become prevalent now moreso than ever. I have no doubt that this existed among woman before, but it seems to be the common norm now with songs from woman hip hop artists bragging about how your man wants to be with her or can't forget her p***y or how she's waiting for an opportunity to be alone with your man. Sisters have each others' backs when they're in a group, but quickly flip the script when they're on their own and alone with your man. Babyface had a song where he tries to reason with his woman, stating that her girlfriend wasn't really a friend and tried to get into his pants when his woman's not there. Trust is a gift, but not many are worthy of it. Sometimes it's unintentional. Maybe we're products of society or maybe we just don't give a damn. We just put on the front that we have morals, but deep inside would do anything if we weren't caught. It sounds to me that, based on your blog, some women are no better than men. I found your written piece very moving and close to home. Because even as a man I have experienced what you have and so have others surrounding me. Hence, I had to cutoff some people I never intended to, because I grew up... and they chose not to; or we simply grew out of whatever it was we were... *shaking head* In any case, your piece is on point and should be a monologue. It's that good and I hope you do something with it and consider submitting it to a contest a magazine or something. Keep me posted, Warrior Princess.
but i cant sleep
had a bit of a obstacle today
gave a woman more credit than she deserved
i realize, she's no better than the dirty dick men i wind up hating
she's no longer a woman i trust, respect and oh yea, did i say trust??
i would call her a slut... but that doesn't mean much
her soul is transparent -- which is worse in my book
i would call her a bitch -- but that doesn't mean anything either
women today, pride themselves in that stupid acronym (Being In Total Control of Herself)
so i will call her traitor
she's the type of female that makes REAL women look bad
we shudder when we see her coming
not because she is dressed nice
an unsubtle flirt
or even charismatic
but because she is a disgrace to all women
sister bonds are no longer formed because of women like her
that's why there are drag outs and name callings from across dance floors
when other women fondle, touch or make advances to someone's lover
these fights ensue, not because we are afraid of losing our significant others
(that's the surface -- important, but invalid in this case)
but because we are saddened to know that another person, who possibly could be or may have been in the same position as us,
isn't considerate enough to think of the pain that their actions will cause.
we pride ourselves as nurturers, protectors and sometimes even saviors.
"Im not slimy like that" she might mutter
don't believe her. she will slip your trust in her pocket like a catholic priest.
it is now that i am honest about what i am capable of.
and what i am not capable of.
i can not be a friend to all women.
though i wish i could -- i think it best for my sanity that we share a mutual respect
and if that can not be conquered -- the only loss is her place in a strong and loving woman's heart.
i feel sorry for her.
she is alone, her friends are probably mistrusting of her as well
and the man she sleeps with will wake up one day and smell the liar on her tongue.
her days as mental prostitute will become long and hardened
as she shows her emotions for a quick thrill.
she is easily forgotten.
and now, i know how it feels to be duped by a woman.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
what does that really mean?
i voted 4 years ago and look what the hell happened
or didnt happen?
im still jetlagged
getting up at 6am
thats not cool
but its definitely giving me time to clean the house
redo my website
instead of sleeping and dreaming about a certain young man with nice arms and muscular back -- he always winks when he sees me and makes me, ermmm
sorry -- got lost...
im on my way to get dunkin donuts (like i need more)
prepare for my class at the group home
and *gag* VOTE
www.mobrowne.com/story.php (sign the guestbook, dammit!)
Saturday, October 30, 2004
just finished the last week of our month long black history month tour
we taught week-long poetry workshop with teenagers who were living in group homes
some of them were illiterate
recovering drug addicts
it was the most draining week of my life. almost
but the end result was a book and a cd
and they were incredible
i have a show tonite in london
cant wait to rock with a band and have some fun
cant wait to get home to BK and eat at mike's diner with my daughter
i promised her french toast and by golly...im gonna give it to her!
see ya at ladyfest where i will be slamming against domestic violence with patricia smith, celena glenn and RAC McKibbins... word up!
www.mobrowne.com/story.php (sign the guestbook mannnnn)
Friday, September 24, 2004
im at the nuyo tonite. slamming for who know's why! i no longer respect the nuyo (save Pepe, the bartender & poetry aficionado & Julio the gatekeeper)! but i keep reminding myself, it's about the poetry -- not the punk ass people who wouldnt know real poetry if it bit them in their A-HOLE.
wish me luck
Thursday, September 23, 2004
cant wait for that
this is my 4th tour their in the past 3 years. i love europe
they are so attentive when it comes to poetry
and not just formula-style slam poemsactually heart wrenching
heart attack having -- poetry
the shyt that makes you catch ya breath, ya know?
also, this is the beginning of the end and the beginning of a great beginning...
i am starting my own non profit.
very excited about that
especially since i got my taxes all figured out!
im working on a new poem
inspired by suheir hammad.
its called suheis manifesto
tell me what you think.
talk to you soon!
check out the website to see the calendar of events
and keep stroking. the pen that is.
mahogany l. brownewww.mobrowne.com
There are ways to make him want you
Make him fiend for your attention
Desire your curves beneath his touch
Softness surrendering to hardened flesh of forcefulness
Burning like infernos
Like oil and lust
Still, there are more ways to love him than beneath covers
While rivers flood with parasites
Eating the lining of babies intestines
Raging within Africa’s womb
Their cries sound like war
And the reserves have yet to come
While we lay arms tangled
As sins singe our sheets and tear our whispers to shreds
We breathe without burden
Never harboring the weight of our freedom
We push promises of change into each other
Mixing sweat till our nightmares are lulled away
It’s easier that way
To forget Nina Simone songs and truth
To disillusion our history with fairy tales
Like hansel and gretel aren’t really child prostitutes from Vietnam
And we aren’t really ex slaves
Translucent shackles encrusted on car rims
Index fingers and
Around our necks
The revolution has nothing to do with our bling
As we fuck viciously
Teeth and skin and moans
Flesh slapping like church congregated hallelujah’s
We rejoice30 minutes between each hail mary
never once whispering ideas of revolution to each other
as you lick me until pink parts reveal themselves
I swallow until both of our appetites are filled with sighs
the void never completely filled
still we continue bartering our limbs to the pleasure of each other
rather than the struggle of a people
whilewe share fresh fruit, croissants
and coffee at the morning’s sunrise
2 teenage bodies are located in a dumpster
100 young children starve to death
a husband murders his estranged wife of 3 years
while their sons sit in the next room
and we sit, fingers still sticky from last night’s exchange
it's such a shame, we think, that the world is so hard to change
copyright 2004 (www.mobrowne.com)