me and my friend cory were talkin...
about the simple things
when families consisted of mothers and fathers
when we weren't living in the land of the quick fix
(marriage and divorce included)
and when black love was constant...
i miss that. i think holidays really do it to me. remind me what i missed as a child. though my father wasn't around -- i knew i would be in a position where my family would have everything including the dog, the fence and the man from which the sperm dwelled. but as life turns out -- we don't get everything that we want. i know how it feels to want sunday dinners. and walks in the park with the kids in front. and the board games and the pizzas and the laughter. its warm. i know how it feels to want the stress that comes with the family. the bills and the braces and the clothing shortage and the hot water shortage. i know how it is to want something constant like love through the pain. as a single mother -- i have all that stress and though i am not married -- i am blessed to be able to share that with the man in my life. he is kind, supportive and very special. while he is not the father of my daughter -- he is the man in our life. and i know that's an incredible role to fill. especially if you don't see that in your immediate plans. but he is a trooper. he deals with two women with big egos and mouths like a champion. it ain't easy, i assure you. but he is here.
i wonder what my mother went through all those years. raising three kids, after a failed marriage and another physical relationship that produced bruises and addiction -- i wonder, how she wanted anything more to do with men... she provided for us without bantering an eye -- atleast in our view -- and i didn't see the marks left by years of pain until i was well into my twenties. right now. i wonder if my partner will leave me. leave me for someone without children, someone without the baggage of a single mother scorned by her her highschool sweetheart and his infidelity. leave me for someone without the stretchmarks that prove sometimes parenting is beyond our control. i wonder if he'll leave me for someone that doesn't smell like diapers and tears and distress and sand and chalk and hair grease and bills and struggle and loneliness. it's lonely as a single mother. even with all his support and guidance and suggestions -- i hold the burden that life for my daughter won't be ALL that she deserves. i know that will be my cross to bear.