ummm -- unkept excerpt...tell me whatcha think!

today is a bit wierd
family is cool. sorta
amari is great. life is ok. in oakland still.
maybe that's why i feel so unstable
dont know
looking forward to that beach
and the lobster dinners! smile///

been thinking about getting past the hate. it really consumes me. the anger, the disappointment. it seems i can't get past anything lately. still upset with my first "love", brother, mother and father. now people in poetry, females and dudes with bad character, promoters, etc. its kinda heavy, ya know? someone told me once "no one owes you anything". if that's the case -- why do i feel like i owe everyone? been working on unKePt and "destroy" at the same time... check out an excerpt from unKePt

shaken.
i try to think of how i was back then. was i, a woman of questionable intent? did i have hidden agendas? was i everything that i despise, now? i don't remember it being that way -- but i do remember the slew of married men. they always seemed to find an interest in me. the first one -- i found out he was married to a friend of a friend. that sealed the deal and my infatuation with him! ok. we kissed, once. and i sang to him in public. as seductive as my twenty-year-
old hips managed to sway in unison with the rhythm. but that's where it ended. right after that stunt, i threw up all the liquor and any ideas of him and i.

the second -- found out he was married upfront. ye,t he always found time to bring me a cup of cocoa to my office and we just talked about life, about music and i knew he liked me. i liked his company and the attention but refused to let he progress any further. our morning meetings were fun, until his wife learned about this, called me, stalked me to a nightclub and watched me like a hawk. i sang to him that night. not because i wanted him that bad -- because i wanted her that mad. she left in a huff. i laughed back to my seat, decided to leave even married men friends alone.

the third one -- actually took me on a date. he was a great kisser. i heard he had a girlfriend after the second date and asked him casually on our third date. after the ice cream sundaes and the make out session on the boardwalk. he sighed, said he had been married for a year. he wasn't happy and hoped this didn't mess up our friendship. i told him "this" was no longer a friendship! made him drop me off. deleted his number from speed dial. and ran up the stairs to my 3rd story studio. watched the skyline after he peeled off. thought i did my duty, as a woman. knew the karma would love me favorably in return. and now.

here i am. watching the clock and waiting for him to come home from her arms. they think i don't know. he pretends they are friends. and so does she. i can smell the truth. i think she has an idea. that's why i attached the spyware to his computer hard drive. started reading their emails back and forth to each other. the things they say to each other. i cried the first time i read it. reread it for hours. he was out of town, on some photo shoot with the label. returned home two days later and made love to me like he missed me for an eternity. told me he wanted to marry me. i accepted. pushed aside the emails and decided -- he can't bear to lose me. thought she was just a faze. but then, two weeks ago. it got distant between us. he sleeps on the edge of the bed, if he sleeps. no more spoon facing each other. he doesn't massage my neck or rub my thighs when watching tv. we don't even sit in the same room anymore. so i decided to check the emails again. there were so many emails since we've been engaged. him telling her he loves her. her begging him to leave me. him telling her he misses her. her begging him to come take care of their child. i've been numb ever since. and he wonders why i won't let him touch me.