Friday, December 30, 2005
um..started a business.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
yes. atleast two of them
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
sorta. but one is due in feb 06.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes. jimmani was killed in front of his wife and four kids.
5. What countries did you visit?
Only the UK this year. I know, I'm slipping
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
security. comfortablity. no pain.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
2/2 - i broke my ankle. 6/06- amari's school play 9/10 - the start up of Jam On It
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
putting together my own publishing group.
9. What was your biggest failure?
i think getting over the small stuff. i'm bad at that. i think it all has meaning to some bigger picture.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yes. broken ankle
11. What was the best thing you bought?
UG boots for the hurt ankle. and toe spacers. i know. not fun at all... oh yea, some books. sylvia plath, asha bandele, bell hooks and sapphire. classics.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
amari and j. dealing with me is hard core.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
me. jumping to conclusions and acting in haste will forever be my downfall.
14. Where did most of your money go?
clothes and bills. mainly bills.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my publishing company. penmanship publishing!
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
ordinary people and come on and go with me -- john legend. anything by dangerdoom, sean price and G-Unit. what a combo...
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
dance while i could. and really taken in the scene when i was traveling.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with grandmother and sister neices and nephews.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
every time he made me laugh or wiped away my tears.
23. How many one-night stands?
24. What was your favorite TV program?
america's next top model
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yea. in a "i hope you get help" sorta way.
26. What was the best book you read?
house on mango street. bliss was pretty good. and i re-read pearl cleage. now the worst was that damn "addicted" book by ZANE.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
28. What did you want and get?
i pod. 29.
What did you want and not get?
a smoothie machine
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Crash! Rize. Mad Hot Ballroom. Roll Bounce
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
none of your DAMN business and i went out to dinner with J and Amari and crutches.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
finishing for my bachelor's
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
jeans. UG's, foam slippers. cute top. comfortable.
34. What kept you sane?
writing short stories, poems and business plans.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
jennifer anniston. she is the reflection of every woman that was cheated on and the whole world knew about it.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Hurricane Katrina/Tookie Williams Execution
37. Who did you miss?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
bassey. she is strength personified
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
don't hold grudges. it only takes away from your shine. besides - they usually hate you because they ain't you...
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
cherish the day - sade
we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy - seal
time to start getting our bags together. amari is walking away with a bag full of clothing - enough for a small village of children.
still sick. i want it to be gone before i get on the plane - cause i don't want to chance catching a sinus infection.
still addicted to myspace. the people you can build with on there... however - this will always be my blog, fam. i just posted a couple of poems up there -- but you know it's only about me and you - right?
i'm too silly. maybe it's because i haven't eaten in a couple of days. can't taste anything. so i feel it's almost disrespectful to shovel food in my mouth that i can't savor. especially my grandmother's cooking. i think i will bring him a plate home so i can see how he likes it -- like pirates of the carribean.
im bugging. i know.
the new year isn't over yet and i have:
watched my daughter cry because of her father (mr absentee himself)
found my wallet empty (courtesy of a relative)
found out another friend of the family was murdered -- not just MIA
felt my best friend's stomach full with life carrying her first son
laughed with my cousin over times that will never change and hearts that may never try
coughed up blood
coughed up my lungs
nursed a flu/cold for the past week
lost my voice
lost my mind
laughed when he called
smiled when he smiled
breathed easy at the thought of bklyn
oakland living aint what it used to be...
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
damn dawg! (like damn gina!!!)
flesh (i like how it feels - the teeth to lip moment)
what the hell!? (just as it sounds)
kick rocks (as in beat it)
bitch (it always comes back when im home. i feel horrible about that one)
i can't stand yo azz! (just as it sounds)
thank you, asshole (lovingly, of course)
janky (ex: he was acting janky with the dough. as in stingy)
christmahanzakwannukah (season, obviously)
Friday, December 23, 2005
editor needs a hard copy in his hand by first week of january
feel real good about that.
was stranded in san diego.
not so happy about that.
now comes the moment when my sister and i fall out.
it's been bubbling.
and i've threatned to tip the cup
her life is still her life
i have to remember that.
though its hard and i dont want her hurt -- i will hurt her
and so this is mi vida loca
non-stop personality clash
he laughs when i tell him the recent
verbal attack which always ends and begins
he thinks we like it
im not so sure.
i mean. i love my family.
but hate all the additives.
however, i know that those are parts that make them --
all those flaws
are what make them whole
and i cant take the parts that i like:
conversation, laughter, intelligence, creativity, drive, ambition, intiative
and throw away the other parts:
bad choice in men, bad choice in men, guillibe, bad choice in men.
so i have to sit here
and wait for the storm to pass
and if it doesnt hurry - i will have to leave
before one of us tears the roof off this mutha
Thursday, December 22, 2005
going to check out LA tonite. hair braiding will have to wait.
writing since early this morning. that's what the hell you get when you come to a place that's 3 hours behind your regularly scheduled program. so i get up at the crack of dawn. and listen to kids fart for fun.
huff -- this is really fun in a nother lifetime. but not when you are under deadline. book: almost done. have to have a first print ready for editor by jan 3rd. only 9 stories to go. lol
still flying to denver to record the album. that's become worrisome too. i thought i wanted to name it: something beauitful. then i changed my mind. then i liked: black is the color of woman (love bell hooks). and he said that was wack. now im looking at: harsh language.
geez, i dont know what to do. what do you think?
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
lil brand nubian for dat ass. all is well in cali-forn-i-a
family is still filled with drama and i haven't even made it to the bay yet. im here at my sis' house who has a way of finaggling the grocery store out of free steaks, her new boyfriend - who i'm just not feelin' and about 7 kids two dogs and my lil brother. yup.
all of us. in a 3 bdrm house.
id type more - but im hot in this room of girls. they are having a battle of the "genders" (as amari calls it) and have seperated themselves for the time being.
good news: i am broke again. but the xmas givings will be plentiful. pictures for the kiddies tomorrow will be the gifts for the grown ups. but more so -- this is a tradition my grandmother set up before she passed. this is my memorial to her. so the lint in my pocket aint that bad.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes.
All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others.
ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.
Strong, contradictory forces consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the prodigal is wrested from the gallows of their folly, just as the noose tightens and all hope is lost, by the very executioner!
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around--germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education.
ESFJs live in their Extraverted Feeling functioning. Feeling, a rational (i.e., deciding) function, expresses opinions easily in the E world of objects and people. ESFJs have the ability to express warmth, rage, and a range of other emotions. Actions are encouraged or rebuked based on how they affect other people, especially people near and dear to the ESFJ. This type's vocal decisiveness predisposes many of its number to facility with administration and supervision.
The secondary Sensing function aids and abets the dominant Fe in that sensate data is collected and at once compared with the inner forms or standards. Data on which decisions are made are thus focused and given a contrast which tends to be stronger and clearer than the original stimuli. The strengthening effect of Si on Fe may be responsible for this type's reputation for wearing their "hearts on their sleeves." At any rate, ESFJs reflect the "black and white" view of reality which is common to the SJ types.
Intuition is tertiary--as the ESFJ matures, and as situations arise which call for suspension of criticism, Ne is allowed to play. Under the leadership of the Fe function, iNtuition allows for a loosening of the more rigid Si rights and wrongs; teasing and slapstick humor emerge. ESFJs are also capable of discerning patterns and philosophies, but such perceiving is subject to the weakness of the tertiary position, and the results often lack the variety and complexity of connections that more complex systems require.
The inferior Ti function may rarely be expressed. In fact, ESFJs may take affront at the aloof, detached nature of dominant Ti types, or conversely, be drawn to them. Some ESFJs construct rationale which have the appearance of (Jungian) Thinking logic, but under scrutiny are in fact command performances of "Thinking in the service of Feeling," (i.e., Thinking-like conclusions which do not obey the tenets of impersonal logic; they rather construct scenarios from only those "hard, cold facts" which support the conclusion reached by the dominant Extraverted Feeling function. To wit:
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eatwith knitting needles.-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
William J. Clinton
Desi Arnaz ("Ricky Ricardo")
Don Knotts ("Barney Fife")
John Connally (former Governor of Texas)
Terry Bradshaw, NFL quarterback
Sally Struthers (All in the Family)
Mary Tyler Moore
Dixie Carter (Designing Women)
Steve Spurrier, Heismann trophy winner, Univ. of Fla. football coach
Danny Glover, actor (Lethal Weapon movies, Predator 2
Nancy Kerrigan (U.S. olympic figureskater)
Elvis Stojko (Canadian olympic figureskater)
Babbitt (Sinclair Lewis)
Hoss Cartwright (Bonanza)
Leonard "Bones" McCoy (Star Trek)
Rabbit, Winnie the Pooh
i worry about her. even if i don't like her much. she is only a part of me by default.
i have so much to do and not enough time. or enough strength. or enough something. but then i get an email. from a sister. a friend. my family. they believe in me. they have faith in me. and that is enough to keep me going.
fighting myself over titles for the new album. i love the title: Black is the Color of Woman. jive doesn't get it -- the incorrect grammar. i tell him it is what it is. that isnt enough. he's write. i have to be able to find the words beneath my tongue and spray paint them if anyone is to understand this life. these words. this pain. working dilligently.
he plays me. musically. the inspiration that pours from the turntables thru my ears are filled with life and movement. aspirations and struggle. i never want him to stop playing. me
this summer is the retreat for the writer's series. i'm going. if i have to sneak in somebody's bag - trust me. it will happen. this is what determination looks like.
amari was beautiful on stage this afternoon. singing off-key like her voice couldnt tear into my heart with just a whisper.
ahh. the voice over recording was successful. i think we had 9 takes and only 2 full run-thru's. i felt so confident when my voice spoke back to me thru the speakers. will have a screening of the english version as soon as i get the dvd. you'll get the invite.
bklyn readies for cali
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
must see these: don't wait -- just do it!
MAD HOT BALLROOM: i love this joint so much i showed it to amari and had her swing dancing and all! it was so beautiful and i laughed so hard. he thought i was nuts to even rent it. til he walked in and found himself transfixed with the whole process. it showed NYC public school system at an all time high! they were caring and beautiful and i loved every minute of it! :)
BORN IN BROTHELS - i cried like a punk. the photography is incredible. and the stories behind the kids are painful -- and marriage ofthe two is disgustingly beautiful.
MURDERBALL -- this took me awhile to see. i heard so many great things about it -- that i had to wait to see it so i wouldn't judge it to harshly!
hurry up and get 'em!
he don't believe me. i guess he forgot how gangsta i can be.
ok. truth be told - he is the cook of the family. but i can make solid meals.
not a lot of variety - but you get what i'm saying. ain't nobody starving, dammit.
anyway, the rain washed away most of the snow, so i'm really digging that! :)
gotta finish off the melvin van peebles article.
and re-learning lines for the voice over session on monday.
word is there might still be a strike... so not prepared for that one, yo.
new addiction: www.myspace.com/mahoganybrowne or for music www.myspace.com/mahoganylbrowne
yea i know what you're thinking. and the answer is -- so what, dammit. i've had the account since October with no pics or nothing. then i decided to update it with the mp3's cause i was tired of re-sending the joints (in hopes that my own website) would be operable! no such luck. and i only have faith in a few things. sooo - that said. i'm over there. but my heart will always be with you. the well read, opinionated, open-minded readers that you are.
love: got the book Ai's vice in the mail. as well as Asha Bandele's Subtle Art of Breathing.
yea, i know -- who's fukn wit dat?!
Friday, December 16, 2005
waiting for the MTA (subway) employee's decision on whether to strike or not.
if they do: no work
no driving into the city without 3 other people in the car
so far so good. they haven't pulled the employee's and the contract ran out this morning @ 12:01am.
but the good news is - the DSL line is being installed. cable tv is back n effect. and a new number for el telefono! holllller. :)
Thursday, December 15, 2005
gave him the bootleg of rent and trivia questioned off an ainsley burrows book.
went to my voice over session
too bad i was an entire day early!
passed all the shoe stores.
it was beautiful
madison square area has most shoe stores
and it was hard -- but i did it.
back to work
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
the night i host
this is the night that i give out bootleg dvd's to the audience.
that said. i am working on 2 articles and 2 installments for: book
also -- i am sketching out the details for my Battle DVD set
and: writing the proposal for $ for JAM
we need it. if you got it. give it.
when the songs became the rhythm
that flows like we do in summer
how these days fall dim
and the most fly sin
cause it's warmer than sidewalks in summer
block hot babies double dutch
like ropes and i hope this remains
in your clutches like dollas
it meets the light of all things
the truth can be seen
if you focus instead of pointless screams
yup. i'm a rapper. decided that just now. lol that would be my freestyle! no type back son! album bout to be out. i have a couple of collabos that i'm waiting to process. and vegas witchcraft has produced some beautiful sounding ish mannnn, i tell ya!
but im not touring this one, fam. you can cop it from the new website (which will be done sooner than you think!) but the blog will still be in effect. trust me. where else would i rant and rave and still have friends afterwards?
best of bklyn
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
she was killed. a 24 year old mother was killed yesterday while pushing her child to safety before the dump truck slammed her into an instant death. i am feeling this hard.
A woman was struck and killed by a truck in Brooklyn Monday. The accident
happened shortly before 7:30 a.m. on the corner Broadway and Myrtle Avenue in
Bushwick. Police say the truck was making a left turn onto Myrtle when it hit
the 24-year-old, whose name has not yet been released. She was pronounced dead
at the scene. No summonses have been issued so far, and police say the driver
has not been arrested
tookie's dead. J and i have been arguing about our position on this clemency plea from one of the founder's of the CRIP gang. but in the end - it doesn't matter. he was executed @ Midnight (california) time. he was in the same prison as my father and 3 uncles. i don't know how i feel about this anymore. it may be too much to process this early in the morning without the assistance of coffee.
Jackson, who met with Williams after Schwarzenegger declined to grant clemency,
said Williams also told him: "I feel good. I have no fear. I've been here
before," referring to his former gang days.
Schwarzenegger held a private,
hourlong clemency hearing Thursday, and attorneys and the public waited through
the weekend for his decision. After losing a bid late
Sunday for a stay of execution from the California Supreme Court, his attorneys filed a petition
with the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. The 9th Circuit rejected that appeal at 11:30 a.m. Monday. Schwarzenegger rejected the clemency bid an hour later. Williams' attorney, Jonathan Harris, filed a new petition with Schwarzenegger, asking for a stay of execution instead of clemency. Unlike the clemency petition, which was based on redemption, this petition was based on new evidence. Harris said three witnesses had come forward in the past week providing information that corroborates Williams' claim of innocence.
"I asked the governor to give us a stay, to give us time to investigate the statements of these men that came forward," Harris said. "I'll e-mail, I'll fax, I'll call his office. I'll drive it to him if I have to." Williams' legal team also filed two petitions with the U.S. Supreme Court, asking to stay the execution and to reopen Williams' case. The nation's highest court rejected the petitions about 6:30 p.m. Political experts on both sides of the aisle said Schwarzenegger made the right decision, at least from a political standpoint.
"Unlike the special election or some of his other decisions, this is one that most people in California will support," Republican consultant Allan
Hoffenblum said. "He ran on a campaign of supporting the death penalty, and there were no facts to change his mind on this. The only ones opposed to this are those who oppose the death penalty in all circumstances."
with all that to process - my ass get's a "no seatbelt" ticket. (yea, i'm still mad). but i see something gleaming in the distance. and it smells like peach cobbler and success. my favorite :)
Monday, December 12, 2005
3 screen names I have:
3 physical things I like about myself:
eyes (all the time)
breasts (in the right shirt)
butt (in the right pair of jeans)
3 physical things I don't like about myself:
ankle/foot :( just the broken one
3 parts of my heritage:
native american (yea, black and MO black)
3 of my everyday essentials:
3 of my favorite musicians:
3 of my favorite songs (at the moment):
at last - etta james
feel'n good - nina simone
love you more than you'll ever know - donny hathaway
3 things I want in a relationship:
my feelings aren't hurt
i'm superwoman, no really, check the cape SON
3 of my hobbies right now:
and reading - which fuels my writing - so nothing again :(
3 things I want to do really badly now (with a special someone):
3 careers I've considered doing:
3 places I would like to go on vacation to:
3 kid's names I like:
3 ways that I'm a stereotypical dude/lady:
i'm a woman that likes shoes -- almost as much as men
i always think i look fat
3 people I would like to see take this quiz:
Thursday, December 08, 2005
i am fighting this. the fear of feeling undeserving. the fear of history repeating itself. it all brims over. like too much coffee. and mind you, i havent had any coffee this morning. so i'm very clear about my position.
i am blessed. and in love and loved. and i know it. those days when the winter creeps up on me and attaches itself to my back, are hard. but not as hard as it could be if i were really alone. if my sister and my grandmother and my aunt and my man didn't love me as much as they do -- if i didn't have them, i know i wouldn't have this life that allows me to write and live and be.
this is where i find my fears laying quietly. hoping i dont find the smiles and memories that remind me how blessed i am. hoping that i dont ask it to leave, permanently. it likes to hold me too. but i've no hands for that type of love. and the energy it takes to feel so vunerable is tasking - so i renige. take back my happiness and walk away in the sunset like an old country and western flick.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
this is about sorrow.
one so deep that if i opened my mouth you'd see nothing but pain. i dont know where its coming from. but it sneaks up on me sometimes. like prowlers. and stalkers.
im being stalked by my own consciousness. how wack is that? i thought if i left a bad relationship. a bad environment. it would all work out. now i have to deal with the truth.
my brother is fighting a bid
my fifteen year old cousin is fighting a bid
my mother is no where to be seen
my father is still gone - a home behind bars somewhere in California
my grandmother is dead
my grandfathers have both passed.
my daughter's father plays house when he feels like it.
i have my grandmother stressing over the bullshyt in cali and a sister running from the same demons as me. my daughter wants to know why i write so much. i dont know what to tell her outside of it's work. how will we eat. have lights. a house. clean clothes. shoes on our feet - if i dont.
no one will help us, amari. her eyes always tear up with fear at this moment. she doesn't understand.
this life hasn't been easy. and it's not as bad as most - i admit that. but its mine. and sometimes, i just want to hang it on a hanger and let it air out. its heavy with want for something easier. more tangible. less painful. more fluffy. less dark. less heavy. less evil. more loving. more beautiful. more than this.
this is one of the hardest entries i've ever had to write. while things in my career are moving successfully, my life is still. shuddering at growth. and causing me more grief than i ever admitted. i want it to stop. the pain of the unknown. who will have my back tomorrow. the list changes everyday. every single minute - i let someone go. i have to. i was taught through many years of practice - you can't trust anyone. and those you can trust - are dead.
so i hug people to feel their soul. wonder if their spirit will hug me back. and sometimes they trick me. make me think they are built of the things i need in my life. the honesty. the truth. the sincerity. the geniuinity. the stuff that good people are made of. and sometimes. they are still good people -- even if they can't give you what you need. just not good for what I need. they aren't demons. i have to remember that.
they aren't bad
they aren't bad
they aren't bad
they are just bad for me. in the midst of this declaration. i have to recognize the same thing in myself. and i do. my candor. my tongue in cheek. my abrasiveness. my brutal honest -- ain't for everyone. you have to be a certain type of secure. a certain type of water off the back -- to get me.
but who gets anyone really? maybe there are only moments that you think you GET someone. moments that you want to get. a point where understanding someone and GET'n them are two completely different animals. or i could be wrong.
and this rant is just another particle that will be lost on your computer screen. as you delete my url from your computer's history. and write me off as just another lunatic writer. and i might do the same thing to myself - if i had the pages to turn and start over. but im stuck with the abriged version of my life. the one i live constantly through memories and tears as bookmarks.
Monday, December 05, 2005
15 - musiq
14 - h-town. (what? what you shaking your head 'for?!)
13 - john legend
12 - alicia keys
11 - brian mcknight
10 - raphael saadiq (toni tony tone, included)
9 - nina simone
8 - debarge (the group and chico's first album)
7 - joe (before he started dancing around like maniac)
6- jill scott
5 - mary j blige (the my life album...all day)
4 - lauryn hill (x-factor still hurts my soul)
3 - donny hathaway (if i ever loved you baby?? cmon!)
2 - meshell ndegecello
1 - dangelo
who am i missing?
In a church by the face
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Only child know
Of which you've never known before
Sunday, December 04, 2005
not even a whimper of the emotions
clouding your breathing and never
ever -- tell the truth about your wounds
no one wants to hear the thumping
the ill faulter has no substanitality
just the reflection of a human
gleaming with an expiration date
tatooed in blue ink
so we went to the brooklyn museum of art for the monthly free walk thru.
after dolling ourselves up nicely, i can say so myself, we arrived to little parking options and cold ass weather.
once inside the musuem, we rushed to the 3rd floor for a go at the free tango lessons. the ballroom sized room was packed with beginners tripping over each other and skipping thru an imaginary maze. we were intimadated. so much so - we retreated into the exhibit room to take a peek at the egyptian art.
amari saw her very first mummy. and so did i.
it was freaky as hell. that's when the guy started playing tour guide and hip'd us to the reason for the small size of the dead. "they were really young" he offered. citing king tut and even napoleon.
within an hour we decided to head back to the ballroom to conquer our fear. nothing had changed. there were still bodies propelling themselves within the confines of a museum's ballroom at a speed unchartered. we decided to become a part of the madness.
let's just say my new boots *which were warm and flyy* and his savvy looks weren't spared from the embaressment that is offbeat. we scuffled around like maniacs leaving even my 8 year old laughing with pink glee. she thought we looked off key. and said so before running to sit down with my belongings to play patty cake with another lil' girl.
but we tried. and it was fun. so - so what if i can't tango, i'm a writer for goodness sakes.
next month: ballroom dancing :)
Friday, December 02, 2005
especially since i went to buy a couple of pairs, brought them home, and realized
i can no longer fit in the size, none of your damn business, jeans anymore!
now i have tried to talk myself into returning them all together
rather than purchasing the correct size.
that would just be admitting that im a fat ass. NO, not a PHAT ass. but in every literal
and if i admit that i'm that size - then my whole closet full of hopefulness will need to be thrown away.
am i ready for that committement? i dont think so.
so my next best bet is to -- take back the pants, and get the jeans that i have (with worn thigh prints)
mended at the cleaners for a 3rd of the price.
jean song singers: beware.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
standing in her own shadow
cold from lonely
skinned knees and teeth cracked
from smiling until it hurt
like she did him
i wonder if it will make sense
the pain that blinds you ugly
rears medusa locks and snakes swivel
turning to the joy of her curves
when it was enough
just to touch her, then
find her scent in your sheets
lather her heavy of your want
and shoulders never heave in sight
the distance wasn't the culprit
it was the honesty in it's wake
the miles that tranposed your daymare
into the light of fury and frustration
tormented your nightfall with taunts of her smile
that would only return with bored pity
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
searching for spa certificates for my grandmother and aunties. already got my sis her joint from london. need to get a painting for my cousin's new digs.
otherwise - amari is taken care of and im still waiting on a check that has been in the mail since last week.
the problem with living in bedstuy is you rarely get your mail. the bills - yea. but the money - always seems to come up missing.
i hate my building. and the post office that services my building. they (as jive says) "keep it real" too much.
finished a couple of installments for the new jumpoff. will be hiring an edit team for this one - as it's an indie release. which i have become more excited about than before.
what are you doing? i haven't heard your voice in awhile
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
note to self: put on the nice shoes.
there are things that still confuse me. like why men get involved with women obviously out of their league. and i don't mean - she's a DIME. or that stupid shyt. but i'm talking about a woman that knows what she wants and is about her business. then here comes this f'up who's just waiting to suck her life force away. it makes me wonder. "why not get a person on the same level as YOU so ya'll can leave the cool productive people to pro-create with the like-minded individuals?"
she is beginning to bore me.
hosted a woman's show last nite. it was the first i had met most of the women there. i think i knew 4 out of 10. so that was cool, to reintroduce myself to a scene that had ousted me (whether by choice or force) so long ago. it ran long, which wasn't cool - but the unification of women's voices was cool.
and then there was none.
i began putting those paintings up on the wall. i have an entire wall of natiq greats. he's relocated from denver all the way to Philly. i must get in touch soon. i also have a D-Cross original and an IYABA original. will take pics and post. i finally got to put up the gift from Joyce (of Austin's Mitchies Gallery) and it looks beautiful. now. i will go buy paint. and beautify them raggedy walls. i'm trying to keep myself busy til i get outta that damn hell hole. if that means make it prettier than that's what imma do!
back to writing. im excited about my new project (as i always tend to be). finishing up the dressel collab, and putting the final touches on my very own publishing company. cherry moon was great to work with. but i decided no time like the present to have your own shyt.
i need a hobby. art for eat, sleep and work can be a bit overwhelming. maybe i'll join a bowling league.
Monday, November 28, 2005
someone should invest in a laundromat and cafe. like - writer's could go there and get free internet access (wi-fi) and free dryer for every wash load.
call it: wash write
he doesn't understand the geniousness in this. go head - take dat witcha!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
leaves me rotting
like ripened fruit
untouched by their hands
bruised by the passing of time
no sunlight will penetrate my core
seeds will fester with little
fair for replenshing
skin will lose its shine
edges loosen and soften with
still. the silence will remain
within this lonely space
Saturday, November 26, 2005
i guess you will have to see it!
but the difference between my past touring schedule and the one below is it's all about the homefront. i decided not to do things too far from home and/or long stints of time. there are too many things at the homefront (like JAM ON IT) that need my attention.
so here is the calendar of a few thangs. catch me if you can.
until the lights burn out,
4 - Jahva House, Worcester MA
10 - amherst college "voice for the voiceless concert"
23 & 24 - Crossroads Theatre, Denver CO
23 - Bar 13 LOUDERARTS feature, NYC
26 - AS220, Providence RI
11 - JAM ON IT "Punany & Politics"
18 - Mecca Sleepover, Milwaukee WI
10 - Nuyorican Poets Cafe, NYC
Friday, November 25, 2005
being a woman is difficult.
so now im looking around my house. threw out the futon. ordered a new livingroom set. looked at a couple of apartments. but J talked me out of it. said he didnt feel it was safe enough. he is the protector.
so now, im back to looking at my laundry laugh at me. there are cd's everywhere. clothes in two piles for a trip down the way to the laundromat.
however, i finally cleaned my desk. nice!
in doing this, i found my one of a kind picture of Tupac the night he was killed, at the awards show, courtesy of my great friend dave g. he's a photographer and knew how much i loved pac, so when he framed it gold and black and presented it to me - i cried. so now that sits looking at me. as well as a couple of paintings from the Stanza series that i started with Natiq - i feel homesick. like i need drama around me to feel some type of love. we dont do drama. that's something that makes me feel good. even if its a bit unnerving.
healthy love is hard to find.
and harder to keep. i sat with one of my best friends and we talked about it all. she deserves the best. her strength will always be something that i admire. we compare and contrasted the hard times and how to keep the good times. the conversation didn't end until early morning. which is normal - for us. lol that said. she inspires me. and that's a rarity. she is brilliant and loving and open and warm and incredibly strong. her friendship is what pales the evils of the world.
but i have to go back to work.
this last couple of days have been tight on my soul. but hanging out with court and ms deb, j and amari, esther and her momz has helped the homesickness.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
you talk like the words
don't want to leave your tongue
the awkward sly of hand
our steps in trance syncopation
simmer soothe silence
i still haven't reasoned an answer
for this you are never certain
our steps together still awkward
until limbs cease to bend
Monday, November 21, 2005
by Julie Sheehan
I hate you truly. Truly I do.
Everything about me hates everything about you.
The flick of my wrist hates you.
The way I hold my pencil hates you.
The sound made by my tiniest bones were they trapped
in the jaws of a moray eel hates you.
Each corpuscle singing in its capillary hates you.
Look out! Fore! I hate you.
The blue-green jewel of sock lint I’m digging
from under by third toenail, left foot, hates you.
The history of this keychain hates you.
My sigh in the background as you explain relational databases
The goldfish of my genius hates you.
My aorta hates you. Also my ancestors.
A closed window is both a closed window and an obvious
symbol of how I hate you.
My voice curt as a hairshirt: hate.
My hesitation when you invite me for a drive: hate.
My pleasant “good morning”: hate.
You know how when I’m sleepy I nuzzle my head
under your arm? Hate.
The whites of my target-eyes articulate hate. My wit
My breasts relaxing in their holster from morning
to night hate you.
Layers of hate, a parfait.
Hours after our latest row, brandishing the sharp glee of hate,
I dissect you cell by cell, so that I might hate each one
individually and at leisure.
My lungs, duplicitous twins, expand with the utter validity
of my hate, which can never have enough of you,
Breathlessly, like two idealists in a broken submarine.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
didnt go to conneticut - because being that far away from the pulse of the city
was just insane.
i think i found something. will find out definitely tomorrow.
still recovering from this weekend.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
then we get home. make an impromptu trip to local emergency room. find our hope between spoonfuls of fish soup.
all is well again, in bklyn
ding dong the evil witch is gone :)
Thursday, November 17, 2005
he is wack. in every way possible. includiing that supposed interview that was to happen over 6 years ago...
i hate cocky dikheads... ha - that's funny - it's like double...
more on him later... (4 and 5 BYE, BYE, BYE)
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
reading on the J line...
then i get to come home. and chill with amari. and watch my dvd of RIZE, again. i remember when i could dance so hard that i wouldn't cramp up until 10 years later. unfortunately, its ten years later! :)
but i'm blessed. loved. and inspired. who can ask for more?
oh - sorry Big Mike. I know that's probably too gushy... so -- FUKN HELL YOU C**T BURGER! captain ORGAZMO SUCKS! (except for the theme music. that's hilarious!)
Monday, November 14, 2005
you are the blond chick that runs naked with
titties bouncing everywhere - in the direction
away from the man with a mask - but towards
his cleverly laid bear trap
run! i think. you are going to die when his
chainsaw greets your screaming lungs.
but websites are just like the movies -
they don't see the monsters like you do.
they can't hear your warnings.
and they always die in the first scene.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
after it was brought to my attention - here is my attempt of righting the wrong.
yea. i get in. my hostess and great friend is not home. booo. but the big door is open, so i lug my bags upstairs. leave them and half of the layer of clothing (it was cold last time i was here - so i came back overprepared) then head down to make a call and grab a coffee. being on a plane can take the wind outta any superhero's wings. call mz lady, she assures me she's on her way back to spring me and i get in touch with sammy. laugh for awhile before some cat asks to use the phone. i'm too new york. "What? When my money run out, son!" he backs up. i keep laughing to sammy. and then feel a twinge of regret. it ain't my fault the other joint is broke! but whateva. we schedule some chat'n time and relinquish the corded coil of communication. after coffee and laughter, my hostess and i return to her house for my set of keys and so i can rest a bit. after more talking - she returns to work. i count cd's and get ready to make moves. the show was cool. not as long as i thought, but im sure that has to do with all the women there in skimpy-ness ready to boogie. sammy and leo and dominic show up, which is a delight, and even my manz n dem DAVID J. i havent performed with this Britan favorite in over 3 years, so we catch up. after knocking down the walls during the ill reggae then soul set. i feel jetlag teasing my eyelids. and besides, one can only say "no thanks" for so long. back to the crib-o, thanks to me atlanta native Kamou and a legit cabbie and i get home in time to put on lock stock n barrel and fall asleep listening to jason steathman.
monday sept 31st
i aint trynna do nothing. fa real. and you can tell because i kept my pj's on all day. sammy calls me. tells me to come over after me sitting around for 6 hours. i do. she hooks up some hot ass chicken, and i mean hot in taste not temperature. but the rice is the absolute best that i've had in london. i tell her. dominic and elaine come thru and i finally get to see da baby! he's adorable. so i take pictures like a damn maniac. forgive me. i am baby hungry!!! we kick it well into the night before leo (aka duvet) comes back to the crib with a yellow belt for his martial arts participation. im like that's dope...! - but you can't whoop MY ASS. LOL
tuesday nov 1st
so i've kept contact with my people's dike in manchester for a bit, and hear he has a spot jumping off. because i have a workshop in blackburn with a group home (that actually came to see me perform in manchester @ the Contact Theatre) i figure i can kill two birds and come thru a bit early, perform at Dike's spot then make my way to the workshop the following morning. somehow - i am up early enough. head over to the coach station with little to no effort. purchase my ticket an hour before it's time to depart with mad time to spare. grab a sandwich and wait in front of the coach station. i don't know what happened. i mean, i know i didnt really feel like going to manchester that early anymore, the fatigue and homesickness had taken over my body, but i was there. and ready. no matter. mahogany sat around like a dips**t. sat right thru the coach call to manchester. the next one wouldnt arrive for another 2 hours, and also make me miss the show that i was rushing (a day early) to get to. so == i head home dammit. take a bus to kings cross, buy my train ticket for the following morning, and call it a day. i walk home from kings cross cause Jive told me it was close. i forgot - he likes to walk. so i end up limping towards the end, even though - it isn't as far as i expected. i have a sandwich left over from my wait in the coach station and i pull the bed out and crash. i sleep for atleast 4 hours before i realize my hostess hasn't returned home. waking up at midnight is freaky like that. you never know if it's night time or crazy early! but she gets home. and we talk for a couple of hours. working out book issues and the like. i love agnes. she's cooler than the average woman. but then that's the thing - she's a grown ass woman. life be different after a certain age, which also changes the way i interact with them. but i digress.
wed nov 2nd
now i had to leave at 7am. i make it to the coach station just in time to catch the bus to manchester. i am then to run a couple of blocks to the train station and take a 45 minute ride to blackburn. not a problem, ive had worse situations. then - my coach is late. makes two unexpected stops and i get in 10 minutes after my train has departed. im PISSED. i tell the driver so. have a good day he says "YOU ARE LATE" i reply. not very nice, eh? whateva. i'm able to catch the next train - but it makes me 40 minutes late to my class. i call my contact person leona, but she is soothing and assures me it's ok. with the rainy day - it will be light and the late start is a blessing. word? aight. so i get there. and leona and her cousin keely are standing in the rain with bags of groceries. i'm like damn. no umbrella, but atleast my hair is wrapped up under the hat. good enough. we walk in the rain, as fast as possible and make it into the homeless shelter for the first workshop.
the room is filled with about 12 people and the energy is crazy. we start after the manager (i think her name is amanda) hooks me up with the ill coffee. our workshop is fly and the kids are crazy interactive. all the workers that participated and made the class even betta. we end a bit late, because the topics of choice and the questions are in abundance. leona, keely and i head to the group home, which is a bit of a walk. im still understanding that cats in england walk like WHOA. it helps the ankle. even if i dont know it yet. lol we get there. and there is a beautiful sign saying welcome mahogany and there are pics everywhere of the last show i did in manchester. i'm flattered. but more so - im touched because its a rarity that people understand the affect they might have on someone's life. after getting ready and waiting for a couple of kids from manchester to get in, we start the workshop. i have about 20 people and the director even sits in. she's dope. and so are the kids. before long, we are cracking jokes and writing like wildfire.
after 2 hours, im spent and so are they. leona offers dinner and im ready to throwdown. we eat some really good kebabs then head to a pub across town to meet her sis. we sit at the pub for a couple of hours and i am introduced to apple cider for the first time in my life. he can definitely knock one off their ass. we crack jokes for hours and i learn the words: jelly bungle (stomach fat after you have a baby). but its too fun to end. so we get a ride to the crib with liqour in tow. i'm cool on the drinking. the warm house and company is intoxicating in itself. all the women are adorable and welcoming - it's so needed. and that's when i felt it. the lift of my previous funk. beside the fact the house is IMMACULATE. they call it the house behind classic cunt on foreskin road. LMAO yea. don't ask. by 2am, i bow out to have a personal conversation with the massage shower system and the goose down bed.
im back headed to london via train. much easier on the blood pressure. unfortunately - i still get in late. this time, i have tuggs waiting for me in brixton and i have yet to get on the stinking tube. i make it there. and there is alot going on - which is about right when speaking of brixton tube station. tuggs and i get up when he tells me the unfortunate news. see, we are to have an interview for his magazine. but he left his recorder. i punish him. well not really. but i act like i might. instead of tripping too hard - we head to shortman's spot at the college INHERITANCE. but before making our way into another poetry show, which im a bit nervous about at this point, we grab some food from the peri peri chicken joint. it's hot ass chicken (as in taste) and im feelin like a punk. tuggs takes half of my burden and we converse about the politics of poetry and the fascade that usually falls after time. he's dealing with the same thing Jive and I felt after hitting the ceiling on performance poetry in our area. you dont feel appreciated. people coming for you like you owe them something. it gets tiring. after the release session over coca cola's we head to shortman's gig. it's packed. and inspirational. shortz always looks out for me and in a circuit where kindness is not always common - it's a breath of freshness.
friday, nov 4th
last performance in england. i feel better. i head to the battersea area to check into my hotel room. it is near the theatre and i want to talk nasty to my shower. pun intended. i miss showers when i visit england. so after two showers. i order a chicken, prawn, mushroom and spinach pizza and fall asleep watching tv. i have soundcheck at 8pm and also an interview with Tuggs before that. i have a hard time sleeping because there is no clock in the room! i finally make myself get up when the news comes on just to see i have 2hours sleep to go. before i know it. im getting dressed and tuggs rings the front desk. after the interview, we head to the bus stop, late - because i can be quite long winded. and after a short bus ride and a LONG walk i realize, i have split my favorite (4 year old) pants. im infuriated! these are my butt is perfect size pants. so i get into the theatre and sit with john paul oneill (london slammaster), and ebele before agnes walks in and we congregate loudly like only poets will. the show will start soon, but after i explain my dilemma to agnes she suggests "electrical tape". aaaah. the black tape! hell yea. i can patch my pants up now! so i grab a tech and she hooks me up with a whole roll of tape. i make my way to the bathroom and laugh at myself in the stall. after only minutes of tape measuring and application -- i am done. my skin is no longer flushed from cold england air and i feel like i can perform my ass off - no pun intended.
the show is nuts. the house is on fire and i would rank it as my top 5 performances in my CAREER. i catch inua on the way out and he has brought 4 friends with him just to see me (or so he says) and they are sweet. and i sell my new copies of UN-Lady-Like (a uk experiment). and all is well in the world. i meet a systa from New York, named Kandy. and she is an upcoming performer. we go for drinks at the local pub where we discuss getting over the fear of stage and love. she's adorable. and we catch a cab, new york style, afterwards - by bypassing the que and just jumping in a cab turning the corner. i return to my hotel room to get ready for my shopping date with agnes. she has made me promise to buy new pants - though im sure these can be fixed with a little needle and thread, minus the electric tape.
sat, nov 5th
jive has banned me from shopping on tour. even though he bought me the best pair of leather boot wedges that i will not be able to wear for another year. but agnes has started this mess. and we try on clothes at dorothy perkins for HOURS. i find a pair of pants and she MAKES me toss my favorite's in the BIN. right there. in the store. i am hurt. but not too hurt, because i have found another pair of eskimo boots (samantha helped me with my first pair) and i even walk away with a cute bolero (half off) and some brown mary jane wedges... i know -- no shopping on tour. but, i can't help it once i get started. afterwards we make our way to eat a restaurant chain and i spring for dinner. agnes has taken such good care of me - how could i not? upon exiting, i fall victim again. and buy 4 scarves. 3 for me - 1 for agnes... im sickening. i know. but she also tells me there is a slam i can go to at the cafe with niall. so i do. hoping to win the pot and exstinguish some of these shopping costs. no such luck. i come in second to graham - a hilarious old school dude. but make it out in time to meet duvet, sammy and elaine at the african house party. inua walks me to the station and i make my way to walthamstow. i finally get there around 11pm and now, with the assistance from my new boots, am in foot HELL. i take off my show while waiting for my escort to meet me in front of the station and am happily surprised to see oneness as well. we ride in her sis' ride to the spot - which is a crazy walk from the station and we walk in just in time to see floetic lara leaving. the word is she killed it. and i am sorry i missed it. i like her work and havent seen her perform in 2 years already. after parking the car we are notified that the party is over. i missed the performance spot. no problem. its good just to kick it with my london peeps, or so i thought. duvet runs up and makes the owner of the spot bring everybody back together. i feel like the police that just broke up the party. so i try to talk them out of the impromptu performance. not happening. after everyone is seated in chairs then cross legged on the floor in front of me - i start scraps of soul (food). they go nuts! i laugh because the turtleneck i thought i would need is not helping this newly founded suffocationa and they ask for another poem. so i rock two more pieces. and say -- thanks ya'll! duvet interrupts. MORE. they agree in loud unison. so i do ONE more piece. sure this is it. give it all of my vocal ability and say. "ight - thanks for listening."
MORE. but i dont fall for it. i offer the cd and then surprise oneness and bring her up to rip it. success. afterwards we head to a club. which has a dude with a fuzzy visor at the door causing beef. we decide to make our way to the hackney crib. talk until 6 in the morning. before they drop me off at home in time to prepare for my plane which leaves in less than 4 hours.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
the house was packed. helena d lewis, rives and buttaflysoul were in the bldg to support my first "official" host day!
i gave away marble cake and bootleg dvd's. it was hilarious.
then other shyt pop'd off. and reminded me that i am only human. breathe deeply
count to ten
keep it moving
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
but im ready to come home - trust me.
i dont do cold... nah kid!
anyway, blackburn was so dope. will have pics and loads to talk about once i return.
workshops were inspiring as well as the staff. then i get back to london in time to meet up with Tuggs and kick it at Shortman's college spot. it was delightful
selling outta cd's wasn't bad neither!
gotta catch some z's... fa real
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Monday, October 31, 2005
so - i have books. only printing up a couple of hundred. and if you are nice, you can get one too - even though you walk with the swagger of an american! :)
Sunday, October 30, 2005
in german, in english
i made it to frankfurt. just to transfer an hour later to britan.
it was warmer than i expected.
i have a show tonite. a couple of workshops during the week.
then another show before i return home.
he is waiting for me.
she is waiting for me.
i miss them already
Thursday, October 27, 2005
i learned my lesson with the other one. started to check ring fingers like a whore checks pub's for lesions. i know. disgusting. but i was that determined. anyhow. i am performing moreso than before, because this was the time that the HBO started to inquire about the Punany Collective and being that I was in charge of publicity and promotions, we had a hectic schedule. anyway, i was busy - is the point. and performing ALOT. and it was during this time that a new drummer was assigned to the house band at my absolute favorite oakland open mic.
now the drummer before was an ass. bless his cheating heart. but this new drummer was really cute. with glasses and always a baseball hat. the difference between him and i was -- he was a classmate of my favorite aunt's. which was odd - cause he didn't look old. that said. i paid him no mind. thought he was adorable in a shy-type of way, but nothing more.
then one day, he tells me he has a crush on me. and the next thing i know - he wants to help me with my album. and im all down for that, considering free sounds good when it comes outta anyone's mouth. but i never let it get any further than that. hell, he was married and i wasn't going to hell for anybody.
weeks passed and he made it a ritual to come by the magazine office where i worked, and bring me a cup of hot chocolate. which was adorable. like him. still nothing on my part. i was as good as good could be. then he started calling me. which was fine. because we mainly talked about the album. then one day i paged him to say i wouldn't be in the office but we could me, at the office, at a later date.
maybe a day later, i get a page from his phone number. i return the call and his wife answers. now i've heard stories about his wife. taking advantage of his kind heart, marrying him so he could care for her two kids. all NONE of my business. so i greeted her like i would any other woman. with mutual respect. but she wasn't having that. she asked me what i wanted with her husband - and i told her (not that he had a crush on me) but that we were working on a project together. she then asked if there was anything else going on. i said no. she replied "well he wont be rendering his services to you anymore. so you can lose this number".
now im looking at the phone. and i lost it - momentarily. i replied "that has nothing to do with me. you need to talk to your husband." and i hung up. later i get a call from him and he's apologetic but also upset because she knows that he has been bringing me hot chocolate. i laughed. i didn't mean to. but im like - that's stupid. obviously, it wasn't. she arrived at my favorite spot that following tuesday, which also happened to be my birthday. obviously to scope out who the hell this hot chocolate stealing chick was!? and by this time, im upset. because its my birthday, i didnt do ANYTHING and im spoiled.
so after receiving an overwhelming number of birthday drinks, i wobble up on stage, pumps clicking the floor with purpose and i pose in front of the mic. he is sitting behind the drums and he looks at me sheepishly. before doing a special drum kick on that damn instrument. she is sitting in front of the men's bathroom which is also in adjacent to him.
her eyes are bulging and she's obviously heated. he still has his eyes on me. and i watch them both watch me for what seems like eternity.
then she does the inevitable. she rolls her eyes at me. like all her muscles had practiced the technique for 30 some odd years for just THIS occassion. i laugh. look at my table (which holds two of my aunts and my good friend) and i start the same poem that i wrote about mr adultery #1. this poem talks about him having a wife, it not my fault and what we can do regardless of her. it's a bad ass piece. definitely fantasy. but i rock it like a house breaking heffer and leave the crowd on their feet (it's oakland. they love raunchy ish - what can i say?). and to top it off. mr drummer man says YOU GO GIRL. THAT GIRL IS BAD. GOD BLESS HER GOD. and everything else to show his appreciation for the poem. while he slaps hi-fives across his wife's head and leans back in glee. she storms out.
obviously pissed. and i sit down. still high from the birthday drinks, but definitely feeling like i lost something in the exchange.
the next day i get a call from mr drummer. and he asks if he can come see me. says he has hot chocolate for me. i remind him what his wife said about his services, being rendered and all. he then invites me to the hot tubs (which is like a bath tub with luke warm water and benches covered in sweat and quicky stains). i decline. suggest he take his wife to the hot tubs. hang up the phone and head to the corner store for an extra large cup of my own hot chocolate.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
house on mango street (thanks marie - she turned me on to that one!)
addicted (esther talked me into this one too)
dread (just came in the mail...i think im love)
nappy edges (lik nostaglia for dat ass)
and autograph man...
oh yea. still reading ali smith's free love joint.
hosting tonite @ the nuyo
working between the chaotic spaces of my life
in a minute
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
i didnt know he was married.
not when i let him stroke my breasts.
nibble my neck.
i thought i was lucky. finally out of a relationship with a man that hated anything positive about the direction of my career. he'd rather see me down and out with nothing and no one to call my own but HIM. but that's so far away from the topic at hand.
that said, here i sat under the glory of this gorgeous man. i was flattered. and open. and all the other things you feel when someone really beautiful finds interest in you. at first, it was in passing. we worked together, sorta. so i saw him during those hours only. which was night time club action as we acted as promoters for various record labels. it never crossed my mind that he was married.
didnt even notice the ring.
call it naivete. i was just 22. brand new to this dating thing. but after the first kiss. after the sexy phone calls. after the invitation to a hotel bed. i found out he was very married. like -- a newlywed. less than a year under his belt as a married man and he was already sweating fresh meat. i was shocked.
still enthralled - don't get me wrong.
but definitely shocked! i thought, maybe she tricked him? she didn't really want to get married but she's pregnant and he had to do the right thing. not that, that would be a reason - but i was smitten. and needed justification for my crush's ill behavior.
he replied with little to no breath between the words. "i love her to death. we've known each other forever. i guess i ain't ready to be married."
i was dumbfounded.
my heart dropped. i believed in karma. and with my heart recovering from the same heartbreak that he was about to administer to his wife - i bowed out. not so graceful, i admit. i found myself plastered one evening reading sex poems on stage with him in the crowd. and i imagined just him and i. and i didnt care who saw. i guess it was my release. my way of letting go - before i let anything else go further.
i just couldnt do that to her. i didnt even know her. but she was me. and i felt it. like my soul would shatter if i slept with him. if i continued lying to myself and allowing him to lie to her.
so when he called again. i wouldn't take his calls. when business arose and we had to work together - if i couldn't trade the shift with another promoter - i would leave no room for words. hands on flesh. temptation.
he introduced us in a chance meeting. it was awkard for us - but she was sweet. and as beautiful as i suspected. and more friendly than any woman i've ever met. we became friendly acquaintances. she deserved so much more.
i never told her what happened. i didnt know how to fix the words. i mean who would she believe? this woman -- or her husband? i didn't know how to fix something that i didn't break - atleast not willingly. and gave her the only thing that i knew how - peace of mind. i never spoke to him again.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Saturday, October 22, 2005
turkey chili that i make from scratch. yes. me.
he likes it.
very odd, as i only cook fried fish, fried chicken and shrimp scampi
good to finally have another house favorite.
ugly rainy day. reminds me of london
will be back there next saturday.
just for a show with A&S.
then back home in time to promote for the new JAM ON IT: NOV 18th.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
and the story is fukn disgusting.
and so normal for young black men in my hometown,
to experience a death this brutal.
my cousin is dead. period.
his lifestyle was an occupational hazard.
it says so in the handbook.
unfortunately, there are no rules to follow
when telling his 5 kids that daddy is gone.
and how to we find the words to tell his eldest
son, that was shot as well during this shooting;
who watched his father's body fall filled with lead
and less breath than when he woke up that morning;
how do we tell them?
his wife is a widow.
his son will have to look in the mirror
and study the wound that presented itself
the same day his father departed.
his daughter's will walk wedding aisles without him.
they have red hair, a trait unrecognizable to our family
and adored by him. it was as if they had gold woven thru
their tresses. he is gone. no longer able to give them
piggy back rides. or rap them songs about his dreams
as an artist.
my cousin was an artist. he had the lyrical dexterity of
a great emcee. he was disguised as a hot boy.
caught between doing what everyone thought he
should do - and what he knew best.
he was taken from a family that loved him
before weddings and highschool graduations.
before weddings and grandkids.
before his time...
before this all made sense
before anyone could grab a handle on peace of mind.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
|You Are 24 Years Old|
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
Monday, October 17, 2005
that i'm some tough ass cookie that doesn't like the softer things in life. i love kisses, compliments, hugs, honesty, emails, books, music and friends.
that nothing fazes me. i'm actually really sensitive. and almost always nervous (especially before i perform on stage) and when i leave my daughter to perform.
that i don't accept help, suggestions or criticism well. i appreciate all of the above. i dont believe i am superwoman, and even when i play her (on occassion) i most certainly am open to all the help i can get.
I wish somebody would...
Sex is best when...
I love to be...
I would smack you down if...
I'm so ashamed of...
I knew it was love when...
I'd be a better person if I...
Given one more chance, I'd...
I would melt if...
I'm at my best when...
I wish somebody would...give me a better house. or atleast the opportunity to live in a better house. so we could have a dog. and heat whenever we felt like it.
Sex is best when...you love the person. and have some handcuffs, candle wax, ice water and the like to prove it.
I love to be...kissed. and i adore it when someone acts as enamored of me as i am of them.
I would smack you down if...harmed my child or tried to fuk with my life.
I'm so ashamed of...being so stubborn.
I knew it was love when...he said that was great! good job! and you are one of the smartest woman i know. he held out my chair. i think i fell in love everytime he did something so beautiful and unselfish.
I'd be a better person if I...could learn to forgive and let the small stuff just be the small stuff.
Given one more chance, I'd...tell my grandmother i loved her.
I would melt if...he asked me... ...to move with him to Paris
I'm at my best when...i'm writing.
im quite intrigued...
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Thursday, October 13, 2005
We are hard on each other
and call it honesty,
choosing our jagged truths
with care and aiming them across
the neutral table.
The things we say are
true; it is our crooked
aims, our choices
turn them criminal.
Of course your lies
are more amusing:
you make them new each time.
Your truths, painful and boring
repeat themselves over & over
perhaps because you own
so few of them
A truth should exist,
it should not be used
like this. If I love you
is that a fact or a weapon?
More than 70 per cent of respondents admitted to email flirting behind their partner's back, and online infidelity was the cause of break-up for one in 30 relationships.
and here is the poll that i took while reading it:
Are Online Relationships Cheating?
Have you ever had an online affair?
Yes 4314 51%
No 4186 49%
Can an online relationship be described as infidelity?
Not if you never meet the other person 3533 42%
Having any other relationship is a betrayal 2683 32%
Only if you shared very intimate details 2284 26%
Is sharing emotional intimacy as bad as a physical affair?
No, physical intimacy would hurt more 3340 39%
Yes, being emotionally intimate is worse 1241 15%
Both would be equally upsetting 3919 46%
What would you do if you knew your partner was flirting online?
Nothing, it wouldn’t mean anything to me 1786 21%
Tell them to stop, I’d find it unacceptable 2165 25%
Ask them why they felt like doing it 4549 54%
Would you be tempted to flirt with an old school flame online?
No, that would never interest me 1858 22%
Yes, I don’t see the harm in it 2806 33%
I might like to chat, nothing more 3836 45%
Are school reunion websites to blame for the increase in divorce?
No, people choose to be unfaithful 7061 83%
Yes, the sites encourage people to meet 1439 17%
later i prepared myself for the poetry cafe where i would be featured with a funny lady named aiofe and the publisher of sable magazine, khadija. ebele kept her promise and strolled in the room like the beauty that she is! full of smiles and hugs and warmth. anna also surprised us, as she is recovering from an operation on her foot - but the production of her new album made me smile, as i remembered thinking her voice as beautiful as a hummingbird.
the womens show last nite was fun
it went like this:
talking about men
talking about love
joking in the middle of the silence
drinking coffee and coca-cola
walking the covent garden
drooling over shoes
forgetting about men -- for small moments
laughing until we fell over each other
snapping pictures for the fun of flash
saying farewell like we may never run into each other again
boarding a bus to farringdon
catching the chinese food spot right before closing
last show: borders @ the ANGEL