because nothing is ever random, is it?

ive been happy. and happy to be busy. and pained in walking but happy to ride the subway and read and smell odious scents of new york city residents. some smell nice. either way, it reminds me im alive. and well. and i miss watching the maxx video set that he bought. one of them went missing. im afraid i cant bother my self, or my sinuses to go thru the tapes to find it, just yet. bassey and i work diligently in the coffeeshop. before i head home and wake him from his slumber. he sleeps like i dream. often and deeply. and i think of things like this while slaughtering pastrami panini's in bedstuy's lush and newly named stuyvesant heights (for 1200 rent hike) but yea. whatever.

i miss my texas friends. but courtesy of myspace, the devil, i ran into a high school friend. she was glorious then and even more so, now. we caught up for atleast twenty minutes on my cell as i trekked the cities 12 blocks to nearest train stop that would lead me to my next meeting (3 meetings, 2 classes in one day :( ) but it was great to hear her voice. and her smile. she was always a star caught in the matrix. we fell in love with UH HUH, a neo soul singing group named terri and monica, before there was such a title (check it, 1996). and we sang like we might get signed. like we weren't falling in love with boys that would fall out of love with us when time permitted change. we were young. it was heartbreaking.

i hope amari has life like that. not filled with all this hypersexual bull that they pass off to kids in between disney channel and nickeldeon. i hope she has a chance to be the star she wants to be. she asks me often if she is famous. as she believes my travels and non stop ringing of the cell phone make it so. i tell her she will be bigger than i ever could think of. even if she still tears when asking if i heard from her father. i tell her no. because i haven't. i tell her he loves her, even if he doesn't know how to show it. she looks at me as if this is what i am obliged to say, and she ain't buying it. i never look at her long. i wouldnt want her to see the truth pouring head first fufilling her wondering eyes.

sperm donors. that's what chandell said. and she was so right. so many men can bear children but not raise them, and they lose no value in themselves. whereas most women, and i know there are exceptions, will lose respect *which has already dwindled to physical measurements and weave length* if they arent in their child's life. but that's another rant of randomness that isn't really random... now is it