and somehow, i tricked myself into making it a 3 plus hour journey. not for the sake of keeping my thoughts. but because when it comes to directions i am ridiculously dumb. i can't navigate my way out of a turnip jar. but whatever.
made it. light crowd. friendly faces. came alive. alright. ihop. dinner invitations. observational eye.
the night and the morning attached to its side like a bad cousin was inexplicable. but it left me in the guest bedroom of a friend/promoter's house wondering about my past misdeeds. the ones i committed while still in oakland. fresh of heartbreak and off the committed bandwagon. i counted while lying in bed, the men that i allowed no real parts of me, and wondered how one gets to that point. i remembered then that it was easy to think of it as nothing. flirting to fling. who cares, im single. and no feelings would be hurt. even if they were mine up at stake.
i didnt like myself very much. but you couldnt tell it by looking at me. i looked as if i loved life. and everybody swarmed around me for the warmth of it. i took to keep company with men i would never have looked twice at (before or after) and i treated some "ok" brothers as i know they would treat "ok" sisters. i was that woman that men talk about when they got they heart broken. though i cant say that i broke anyone's heart, while im sure i tried, subconciously.
still. not the most admirable of persons. and i think of those moments now. before i fall asleep and find my self surrounding by shadows of who i used to be.