the air smells like dog poo but the chipotle was slamming

im in minneapolis. right before our 1 year anniversary.

and its hectic in life right now. jared paul had to cancel last minute, and our opening musical act, Brent Shuttleworth, had a family emergency that landed him in FLA.

besides that, my daughter cried because i was leaving for the evening (i will return to host/produce JAM) and im broken.

i want to be able to give her everything and everyone who ever made a promise to fufill that. but it aint working out that way. it seems our words ain't what they used to be. they dont mean shyt anymore. "balls and my word" seems like saying "i love you" to a one-night stand. maybe it feels like love while you are in their face -- but, you both know the truth.

and the truth is im tired. sometimes i want to crawl up and sleep until everyone goes away. life seems too hard for no reason. i aligh myself with people and do right by them -- expecting the same in return. but this is a futile attempt at humanity for most. most get in where they fit in so they can get what they came for and get out.

and maybe i want that non-nagging sensation that comes with doing for SELF. i dont know. i am blundered on so many levels and it just seems to keep getting deeper. that feeling of regret. and resentment.

how does one stay afloat in such murky waters?