welcome home

lil elai...
you will be deeply loved, young man

all i ever wanted

was some peace.

re-connecting with my mother this past week, has been tremendous on my soul. i haven't had a chance to really digest it all, as the car issues and regular busy life, still runs my every minute. but it's been something.

and it hurts so good.
so how do i find my way home?
where the peace has never truly existed in my family life, but my family's existence was always there. always there. and now. with each of our tree limbs stretched across the globe, i wonder was it ever healthy?

we bickered hard
played hard
ate alot
never wanted for nothing
didnt know death enough to fear it
talked loud
gossiped often
envied little things
admired silently
loved each other regardless

this is what i can remember. cornbread and family reunions. late night card parties and early pancake festivities. sprinkler games and kool-aid fights. i had a beautiful childhood. even though, i hate kool-aid til this day. i refuse to buy it as i was always the one to fill up the pitcher, being young and all. so now, its just juice - soda - and if i buy ice tea mix, i almost NEVER make it.

but it was a good childhood. minus the teenage time. the crashing of the car. the crack addiction. the credit card scams. the bad checks. the crashing of the car into his leg. the jumping at the football field. the solidarity in being wrong. the pain of being right. the first love. the school drop out. the return to high school. the loss of innocence. minus all of that -- it was beautiful and full of colors and scents and laughter and love.

i almost never thought of my father's abscene. well, atleast now, that's what i pretend. and its now -- that i look back and wonder how my mother raised me without allowing me to run her life. without my brother and sister running her personal life into a rut of no return. did we terrorize her friends with questions about blue skies? i am almost certain i did not. except for that one guy. i hated him. but i think i was pretty easy to deal with. and my sis -- well, she terrorized us so im sure her terrorizing my mother's gentleman friends was a given.

i have to remind myself to ask them about it one day.

children underground

watching this documentary about romanian kids living in an underground subway
and sniffing aurolac (paint) to get high....

will talk more about it when its done.

know this, it makes you appreciate the small things in life.

new writing, getting lost and North Carolina for 300, Alex

i made it to NC. after 2 hours of traffic in New York and New Jersey, then another hour of traffic in Virginia. i pull over. decide to sleep for 3 hours or so, and make my way back. instead i wake in 2 hours and 40 minutes. ask billy errol why the hot chocolate machine isnt working, use the restroom and make my way *the wrong way* to charlotte.

on my way to miami, it hits me. i missed my turn somewhere! ugh

after my 12 hour driving trip turned into 15 hours, i made it into my brother's rocky driveway.
my newphew ran to greet me and amari at the car and so did my mother. i wasn't so mad anymore.

just tired
no room for that. headed to walmart with maDUKE to get last trimmings for thanksgiving dinner and end of buying my newly single brother, a kitchen set. crap!

where's the coffee?
right here. in my hand. a cup of grande skim white mocha settles my 2 hour shopping experience gone awry mood and im back to getting back. as soon as i get in, i crash in burn on the couch and wait for the spinning room to stop along with the voices. 2 hours later. i dress and head to my brother's surrogate family for thanksgiving dinner.

thanks-killing
what a time of year. to be reminded how christopher columbus sucked all types of ass when killing native americans. so how do i say more gravy to that? i don't, necessarily. my daughter knows the truth. but i also understand, this is the time my family gets together. the one time i tried to boycott thanksgiving, i broke my grandmother's heart. as she was into the gathering of her kin. and so it stands. i am rocking the dinnerware for fam. we have conversations that i know wouldnt happen, simply because life can be that raw. and when you have one - you rarely see those that loved you while you worked around the edges to a smooth new you. do i make a toast? show my thanks to the day? no. i show my thanks to the blood coarsing thru my family name. i appreciate them for all making time that day, and hope they will know from the hug, that i wish it were everyday, we were able to hold each other, like this.

another one for the road

they also stole my scrabble sets

still, in hate of nyc

robmeblind

the car was vandalized

i hate bklyn now

ok, not bklyn

i hate thieves...thatliveinbklyn

they took my john legend

then to make it all perfect

i went to get a cup of coffee so i could feel a lil caffeinated high
and i got a parking ticket!

fuk me

highlight: he got me a cool dvd set

whistle while you work

im excited. alot of things are happening.
great things!
even though the devil sends his spawns to taunt me

lmao

really.
things are well and i feel like i owe you more
than every other tangents!

so here is my week of gigs.
hope to see you.


Nov 18 2006
6:30P
Identity House
Manhattan

Nov 19 2006
12:30P
MISOGYNY & Hip Hop @ Eugene Lang College
Manhattan

Nov 30 2006
8:00P
Poetry Finals @ Queens College
Queens, New York
Dec 5 2006
7:00P
Soul Salsa Revisited: The NUYORICAN OPEN MIC
manhattan
Dec 7 2006
8:00P
Jam PACKED: RAC MCKIBBENS, BRENT SHUTTLEWORTH, MAHOGANY & JIVE
BKLYN
Dec 10 2006
7:30P
NJ Youth Slam
Edison, New Jersey
Dec 19 2006
7:00P
Conversations: Q&A @ The Nuyorican Poets Cafe featuring: Miguel Alagrin
Manhattan, NY
Dec 29 2006
8:00P
Xrossroads Theatre Jive & Mo's SHOW
Denver, Colorado
Dec 30 2006
8:00P
Xrossroads Theatre
Denver, Colorado
Jan 21 2007
8:00P
When Sistas Speak
Toronto
Feb 16 2007
8:00P
JAM ON IT
Manhattan
Mar 17 2007
9:00P

Charlotte Slam
Charlotte, North Carolina
May 1 2007
8:00P

Af-American Hertiage Festival @ OSU
Ohio

cleaning house

i am packing my things
ridding the shadows of their webs
and the dust of their mightyness
i am clearing out a new day


today is all about movement. and space and time. and breath control. i have a workspace for my daily business of poetcd and penmanship. i am anxious to see how i look working at a desk again. rather than writing poems on the toilet, in kitchen, in my room flooded with books and cd's and tv staring at me stare at it.

i think this is needed. even in the heightened moment of winter. i think making myself fall into a tighter regiment of scheduling can only help my productivity.

who knows. i could be messing with "god's work".
or maybe, im just fine tuning the god in me

the moments of our making

i probably watch too much tv
but when i don't
i allow people to tell me things

and i dont know if its the journalist in me
or the mother
or both

but i am pretty easy to confide in, i think...
i don't run around gossiping (that's ssooooo 1990)
and i'm pretty honest, to the point of abrasive
brutality... but it is what it is.

and we can't lie to ourselves and expect the world
to act like we aren't just walking around naked
fron'tn like the emperor's clothes really fit.

so i've turned to watching tv. atleast i won't have to
wait up all night to find out if she still has her teeth.
or she's not in labor alone. or she had her locks changed
and he's not standing over her and the kids while they
sleep.

maybe i watch too many scary movies? but i'm sure
real life is way more frightening, which is why i can
be honest about my fear. i don't want another woman
i know to be in pain for the sake of his ego stroke.

i mean, really.

when i featured this saturday at a small spot in bklyn.
i was torn. so much going on in that space that i couldn't
even sit in ease. i was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
the energy was off, no matter the friendly-ness of the host
and it was just unsettling, is all. it was there that i was told
in a joking (but probably honest) manner that people thought
i was too hard on men. (verbatim: "mahogany browne is featuring?
ah man, brother's ain't gonna get to love that night!")

and i was stuck for a second. cause if you know me, you know
i love men. hell - i am in love with one! lol and the last thing
i want anyone to assume is that i'm a male basher. so i started
my set by dedicating the evening to sexual harrassment.

i then continued with , i don't hate men. but i love them enough
to tell them the truth. and that's what it all comes down to.

our revolution will never succeed if we don't even know how
to communicate at home. if we can't even love our mates,
spouses and significant others with the same intensity that
we love a favorite food. season. or hobby.

how are we to feel like we can take on the world
if we fall asleep alone or in strife at home?

final days of redeeming sentiments

i was out of it. so much so - i didnt care much of poetry
or the poets that call themselves rockstars, for that matter

i was so unimpressed for the simple fact that people that don't
get their way - can be complete idiots

and i thought i learned to stop looking into the sunlight for
stars - cause it aint coming!

but now
after the babyshower for bassey is complete
and she was surprised i'll tell you! looking as
beautiful as ever...

and after realizing that my fight will sometimes
lead me on a war path for an army with a hidden
agenda

and after taking in the satisfaction one feels for
completing something they set out to do...

i know. this has only begun.
this life.
my journey
my experiences are vast
but there is so much more to come
and i have awhile to fall and stumble
and pant and pray before we're done here...

check out the new addition:
www.poetcd.com

you can buy new shyt by: taalam acey, roger bonar-agard, buddy wakefield, marc marcel, ner city, andrea gibson, khalil almustafa, ca!tlin meissner, mahogany l. browne & so much more. we got books from lemon & cd's by jive poetic.

this is the christmas shopper's dream (for the poetically inclined)

see you soon

grown ups

i woke up the other day,
and realized

i
have
a
grown woman's body.

biz of the day

poetcd
babyshower gifts
nuyo meeting
checks in the mail?
penmanship pick up
movie with amari

ok.
so i forgot, VOTE

dont judge me

on those poets that write about themselves

if i spent all my days
writing about what you know
when would i find out who
the hell i was?

sometimes bklyn is too small

running into someone you once dated can be awkward. or kismet. or both.

watching sex in the city and talking to love of my life, i realized, we only had one of those instances.

he swears i planned it. but i didn't. really. and the fact that the man i once dated -- he being one that i actually considered settling down with once happening upon this evil city against the monogomous -- happened to be at a spot which served as our first tri-mester of dates, didn't make it easy.

so i acted like i didn't see the ex. laid my attention into my current beau, and waited for his gnat-like buzzin' to leave me be. it didn't. he sized HIM up. stood next to HIM. grabbed my hand in hello that lasted longer than any normal handshake and made it quite awkward. i didn't let it bother me. and don't remember much of our conversation about it afterwards. besides the "that was your ex or something", yea - i nod. hoping he sees the vacancy sign blinking furiously.

lucky for me, he didn't scare easily. and HIM became permamnent.

haiku for sunday

when you think of me
tell me you think of no one
but me, lie even

for her

i wondered how else to savor your spirit
but you dreamt in colors undetermined by any spectrum


so

close to touch


but, i watched you wither


shovel sounds of a little girl gone
as he bears on flesh
you fed him with you right hand
thought the trusting petals would bloom
in your left, but only his abscence grew

smiles hindered the closing of doors
and you knew this kiss would last forever

still forevers are only moments frozen
until the baby cries
the girlfriend calls
the dreams of rockstar momentum carry him from you

had you known any better
your knees would've stayed pressed together
clasped smoke between your tongue instead of his
wetness

mind the gap

slippery when worn
and he's worn you

heavy
dirty
ugly
loveless
wanting
more
than
these hidden layers

folded between the cracks and crevices of your mind

you ask for your mother, more than ever
somehow you know she remembers this heartache
maybe she kept the antidote for getting on with life

learn how to dial a phone again
unlearn his digits lose connection

learn how to breath with clothes still pressed
unlearn his fingers lifting at your dress

learn how to wear your hair the way you love most
unlearn his tug'n of tresses,

the mess he made you now
uncivilized girl child
whispering apologies to life unknown
speak your own name,
find your steps again

worry never of the woman he made you
under bedspreads and dim lights


you will always

look this beautiful

in the morning

lost in love

remember the new edition song?

im there these days. and then im lost in between my friend's lives of happiness and tribulations. i get so worked up - i wear most of their bad days. hard hours. miserable minutes. it has worked me senseless. but i dont know how to not hold on to love. for friends. for him. for family. for me.

this is what i know. hold

tight

and if you dont know how you are left. waiting for a father that never truly returned from prison. even after the first slap against my face for interrupting grown ups. or the last time i asked him for a cup of orange soda. the last time i felt really secure with a man, was him. i am almost certain.

and when i did feel safe. i didn't. it was odd. awkward. us. any us. you pick. i never knew which way to look before crossing. or which heart to cross before speaking. or which side my heart stood up -- by itself. or if it did at all. but i did know that my love was yours until you lied. cheated. or both. they were the all bets are off sign. for friends and men alike.

if you say you are, i believe it.
if you say you aren't. i believe it.
if you change up in the middle -- i can't trust you. don't want you in my space to confuse me any further. will mourn your abscene, but love the sanity with knowing that this is the one true thing.

but now i listen to regina specktor and think how can i live my life and help friends without giving my life for friends that never asked for it?

when is too much noticable? when will i learn that people leave for prison, for other love, for a life outside of what i can grasp?

when will i stop yearning for that orange soda?

proud MAMA

she made the drama club a couple of weeks ago
this week
we found out she has won the role of
"DOROTHY" in the WIZ!