lost in love

remember the new edition song?

im there these days. and then im lost in between my friend's lives of happiness and tribulations. i get so worked up - i wear most of their bad days. hard hours. miserable minutes. it has worked me senseless. but i dont know how to not hold on to love. for friends. for him. for family. for me.

this is what i know. hold

tight

and if you dont know how you are left. waiting for a father that never truly returned from prison. even after the first slap against my face for interrupting grown ups. or the last time i asked him for a cup of orange soda. the last time i felt really secure with a man, was him. i am almost certain.

and when i did feel safe. i didn't. it was odd. awkward. us. any us. you pick. i never knew which way to look before crossing. or which heart to cross before speaking. or which side my heart stood up -- by itself. or if it did at all. but i did know that my love was yours until you lied. cheated. or both. they were the all bets are off sign. for friends and men alike.

if you say you are, i believe it.
if you say you aren't. i believe it.
if you change up in the middle -- i can't trust you. don't want you in my space to confuse me any further. will mourn your abscene, but love the sanity with knowing that this is the one true thing.

but now i listen to regina specktor and think how can i live my life and help friends without giving my life for friends that never asked for it?

when is too much noticable? when will i learn that people leave for prison, for other love, for a life outside of what i can grasp?

when will i stop yearning for that orange soda?