nasty memories - share your experience

i was talking to my girl here in oakland yesterday. we once were inseperable -- she covered my tracks and i had her back! we were reminiscing about how we started performing poetry and how the structure of the sex troupe we once pledged our allegiance, became corrupt to the core.

it was a sad moment. in hindsight, i probably gave a little too much of myself. i don't think i understood the possibility of someone, especially a woman, taking advantage of me. but it happened. as young and aspiring poets, we were used for our hunger, our inexperience and our need to be "down" and once we became bigger than one could handle - we were subjected to criticism and scrutiny in hopes to break our stride at becoming our OWN person in the world of poetry.

its funny, it just like high school. one would think the gossiping and the lying would've stopped at age 17... that was just a test drive course for the real world.

so now. i sit a twenty-something single mom with even older women stratching at my soul for some redemption. its kind of sad. and unforunately, i still have ill feelings towards that woman. i know her present situation was created on the back and sweat of young and naive poets like myself. i was lucky, however, because i was able to walk about with my self-respect and begin the process as an artist on my own accord. she however, has continued to leach off of the strong people around her in hopes of feeling something better in life.

me and my girl shook our head in silence. we wished we could save the people she has dug her claws into, but it's an act that one will have to figure out for themselves. its like talking your friend out of staying with an abusive lover. they sometimes have to hit rock bottom, before they see the danger in them staying.

i love women. women like Bea, and Femi and Christa Bell and Piece and Jaha Zainaibu and Thea Monet and Bridget Grey and Queen Sheba and Amanda Diva and Sydnee Stewart and just women with the strength to act against the idea of women rivalry. somehow we believe feminisim and womanism to be nasty. ugly -- to close to lesbianism. ive talked to my childhood friends and their ideas of being friends with another woman is as likely as them cutting off their nipple. its too painful to even suggest. life has taught them women can't be trusted. look at the books; gold diggers and bestfriends who sleep with our boyfriends. look at the music videos; pick one. just look. there are very few positive images for women to view. so we find our reflection in women who are ashamed of their size, their skin color, their education; themselves. so when you meet a woman who may not have these hang ups -- it's like a slap in the face.

jaha, christa, piece, amanda, sydnee, thea and bridget provided a sense of sisterhood when our surroundings told them there was nothing to gain in bridging an alliance with another woman! some took me into their home, watched my child, acted as a sound board and kept me sane! all of us were pitted against each other at one time or another but we saw thru that shyt. its so funny, how society (both men and women) have been conditioned to think that women are NOT suppossed to get along. and sometimes, it's easy to believe.

i mean, when have you witnessed two women in a group of men "getting along?" singing groups and rap groups included! we have declared our own selfs as the enemy.

i think that's why i allowed the parasite-like-woman in my life. if she had been a man, i would've cut her off as soon as she pulled that egotistical shyt. but because she was a woman, i knew she had my best interests at heart. i was wrong.

that experience put me on a diet --warning me to stay away from sugar, carbs and women. but as i've grown, i've realized there are some strings pulled in the background that make women act like this to each other. in hindsight, the woman aka "parasite" treated us like "nothing" not only because we allowed her the opportunity, but because she saw greatness in our reflections. she was not ready to see herself along with strong women as equals, so she put us down in attempts to keep us as followers.

most women, can't allow another beautiful, strong and intelligent women in their space (cipher, crew, group, posse - ya get me) without feeling like her worth is being diminished or overshadowed. intimidation breeds envy, hate and self-degradation.

one might think that slavery is like sexism. you condition a people for so long be it with force, verbally or through images (ie., music videos) and it can become detrimental to their existence and mental health. it seems different enough -- but the long lasting effect is just as painful.