there will always be moments where you are tossed back into a place or time.
i recently visited that place.
it was a bad place. one that i pretended didn't affect me.
the fact that my skin was browner than a paper bag.
the fact that i had a gap-toothed grin, rather than a perfected colgate smile.
the fact that i had more curves than a race track...
and now - i feel like im that lil' girl again.
all unknowing and ill-fitted.
irregular like the socks no one wants in the bargain shop.
i feel like this just by browsing pages on myspace.
arguing over stupid ish.
and coming into my PMS. yes, i know. it will pass
but what if it doesnt? and furthermore, what if i dont want it to?
within seconds, i have discovered friends and rediscovered humans that will leave me to fend for myself without a second glance.
i am lonely during these times the most.
is that why i am giving of myself so much?
why i wait for phonecalls. recheck email. offer my heart wait for it to be stomped out like fire.
is this why i open myself to everything without every opening myself to what's perfectly right?
am i afraid if i wait for the rightness to come, i will be a blank open space filled with void and promise.
am i tired of loathing and suffering, liars and cheaters, ego stricken maniacs and the like?
and when will i stop waiting for friendship in turn for unconditionality?
when will i stop revisting that lil' high school girl that waited for everyone to see the beauty without sacrificing my virginity?
when will i let her come out of the shadows and stop dancing and smiling and helping and hoping to be loved with familiar hands? with genuine warmth?