Tuesday, May 23, 2006

days past...

there will always be moments where you are tossed back into a place or time.

i recently visited that place.

it was a bad place. one that i pretended didn't affect me.

the fact that my skin was browner than a paper bag.

the fact that i had a gap-toothed grin, rather than a perfected colgate smile.

the fact that i had more curves than a race track...

and now - i feel like im that lil' girl again.

all unknowing and ill-fitted.

irregular like the socks no one wants in the bargain shop.

i feel like this just by browsing pages on myspace.

arguing over stupid ish.

and coming into my PMS. yes, i know. it will pass

but what if it doesnt? and furthermore, what if i dont want it to?

within seconds, i have discovered friends and rediscovered humans that will leave me to fend for myself without a second glance.

i am lonely during these times the most.

is that why i am giving of myself so much?

why i wait for phonecalls. recheck email. offer my heart wait for it to be stomped out like fire.

is this why i open myself to everything without every opening myself to what's perfectly right?

am i afraid if i wait for the rightness to come, i will be a blank open space filled with void and promise.

am i tired of loathing and suffering, liars and cheaters, ego stricken maniacs and the like?

and when will i stop waiting for friendship in turn for unconditionality?

when will i stop revisting that lil' high school girl that waited for everyone to see the beauty without sacrificing my virginity?

when will i let her come out of the shadows and stop dancing and smiling and helping and hoping to be loved with familiar hands? with genuine warmth?

when...

3 comments:

poetesscrystal said...

I thought of you today- I searched my cell phone for your number because I heard about the little girl who was killed in BK today by the bus...and I was wondering if you knew her, and hoped that you didnt

looks like you're having the kind of day I had a few weeks back..and I struggled, and cried and got my ass right back on track...this is hard I know, and only you can pull it all back together

I check on you Mo...I send you good vibes from New England each and every day...know that you are thought of in a good way on this side of the world...

thir13teenandtheysayitain'tlucky said...

Mo... feel you.. so many of my thoughts in this body of work.. and while I may be broken at times, I will pick up the pieces to be there for you.. Whenever, you need it..
love you like ac in the tx summer..
evil miK

Delaleuverses said...

Hmmmmmm...your powerful words echoed in my heart. I must say there are times that I feel I am sinking slowly. It takes energy and work to have the ability to love yourself, what you're made of. A beautiful creation in and out, what God has molded into fine clay, his work of art.