all i ever wanted

was some peace.

re-connecting with my mother this past week, has been tremendous on my soul. i haven't had a chance to really digest it all, as the car issues and regular busy life, still runs my every minute. but it's been something.

and it hurts so good.
so how do i find my way home?
where the peace has never truly existed in my family life, but my family's existence was always there. always there. and now. with each of our tree limbs stretched across the globe, i wonder was it ever healthy?

we bickered hard
played hard
ate alot
never wanted for nothing
didnt know death enough to fear it
talked loud
gossiped often
envied little things
admired silently
loved each other regardless

this is what i can remember. cornbread and family reunions. late night card parties and early pancake festivities. sprinkler games and kool-aid fights. i had a beautiful childhood. even though, i hate kool-aid til this day. i refuse to buy it as i was always the one to fill up the pitcher, being young and all. so now, its just juice - soda - and if i buy ice tea mix, i almost NEVER make it.

but it was a good childhood. minus the teenage time. the crashing of the car. the crack addiction. the credit card scams. the bad checks. the crashing of the car into his leg. the jumping at the football field. the solidarity in being wrong. the pain of being right. the first love. the school drop out. the return to high school. the loss of innocence. minus all of that -- it was beautiful and full of colors and scents and laughter and love.

i almost never thought of my father's abscene. well, atleast now, that's what i pretend. and its now -- that i look back and wonder how my mother raised me without allowing me to run her life. without my brother and sister running her personal life into a rut of no return. did we terrorize her friends with questions about blue skies? i am almost certain i did not. except for that one guy. i hated him. but i think i was pretty easy to deal with. and my sis -- well, she terrorized us so im sure her terrorizing my mother's gentleman friends was a given.

i have to remind myself to ask them about it one day.