INSIDE THE INSIDE MAN

part i

supposed to be watching the NY premiere of INSIDE MAN starring Denzel, Jodie and Clive. i say their first names like i know them right? but i wasn't there for them - i was there to rep' for my peoples Lemon and Carlos Andres Gomez! it was great. the movie was great. Carlos had a great role -- he kept cursing which was funny, cause i immediately knew "That's CARLOS! look how he said FUK!" lol and Lem was hilarious! so happy to see poets get paid to do their thing. so fukn inspired. not that i want to be on anybody's big screen, i will leave that to JP. he's the actor of the family. i just wanna write about it all...

part ii

so all of my fam is in the theatre, Sha, Day, Murph, Bonsu, Malcom, Juba -- the whole magazine writing crew. and i got homesick, that quick. i think i would've started crying if he didnt shove a box of rasinets in my hand. i got homesick for the life of true friendship. JP is one in a million and in poetry that's one in two million. i mean, i love poetry. but the politics. the sometimey-ness. that bullshyt is for the birds! i miss knowing that i was loved from my peers regardless of the slam score. regardless of the stage time. regardless of the radio commercials that they believe i shouldn't perform, the tv show that they think i didnt deserve and the touring that they want for themselves. i miss the mutual respect that never wavers, only deepens for an associate.

i've never had to wander who had my back so much in my life. NEVER. and now, i feel like a sitting duck. and when you are in the public, its very much like that. now don't be fooled. the magazine industry has more bullshyt than a lil! however, the core group - the 12 people i called my fam, was indestructabile. we had our fights. not all of us get along separately. but we make it happen. because we are all we have. and the world is much uglier outside of our personality clashing. we know this. so we go the hell over it. but my poetry crew cant seem to find that balance. my crew is a two person crew. and in a genre that's all about COMMUNITY? huff, just gets a bit depressing, that's all.

part iii
but there are people that i might every now and again that challenge the current climate of poetry bullshyt. and they are beautiful in their own rite. they are consistent and real and so appreciated. i dont burden them with my life, as thats a tough one to carry, but i love them for being them. for being open to friends in poetry, in life. besides the stanzas and the shine. i can only hope we'd be great friends without the stage lights shining so brightly. and i actually stopped allowing poetry friends into my heart. too many have proven that they are out for something more than my simple friendship can offer. but the ones i got before the barrier came up full force, i am grateful for.