any given sunday or how not to kill a bytch

have practice today...in jersey @ Likwid's house. gonna visit the gym afterwards. today is blah. nothing great and nothing terrible...atleast not at home. or even creatively.

however,
i woke up with a really bad feeling this morning. im afraid i've come to the end of my rope when dealing with a certain person. im scared for their life. i really am. i want to administer a lot of pain upon sight- and though i am not a newcomer to these harmful feelings - i know myself well enough to know, time to back up and take inventory or something. my whole face gets hot and my stomach starts to turn like curdled milk has touched my insides. i get literally sick and then i lash out. i can't even help it. and if i can -- it doesn't seem rational at that moment. i've dealt with so much in mny life - any sign of someone trying to "play me" and i lose it! every scruple of sanity that i once held is tossed to the wind and i operate on swing first ask questions last.

j says i always think someone is trying to play me. but then he has one of the worst tempers ever. so hey - maybe he's just reflecting. anyway, back to this feeling. i want to go by the pier and sit with the birds and toss these feelings into the Bay and just be. but the continuance of a bad thing haunts me. keeps playing in my head like "groundhog day". again and again and again. i reckon they are trying to make me go crazy. which makes me madder. and more volatile. i don't know how to not feel like my buttons are being pushed, purposely. i mean, i know they are. so i guess the issue is: i don't know how NOT to let the parasites suck away my life force.

i mean, honestly what would you do?

bewildered in brooklyn