HIGH SCHOOL ANTICS

it was just like...

high school. i swear. i havent been in that type of atmosphere -- since i last promised myself not to go to another open mic in new york city. this time - it was less bothersome than before. but then, i situated myself away from the loud, abruptness that causes poets egos to collide.

i also guided myself out after around 1020pm, as amari had saxophone class this morning and besides - i had the chance to talk to those important to me. those that fell in love with poetry for the poetry not the light. last nite was one of those nights where everything and everyone was on stage - even if the mic had yet to turn on. the fishbowl effect can have that on people.

make them show out when they think they are being watched. make them perform and holler and gasp and overeact and overeact and twinkle. twinkle like the popular kids did in high school - when most of them were laughed at, ignored and mistreated. now - they are the popular kids. melvin van peebles told me in an interview "if given the chance, the oppressed will follow the steps of its oppressor."

bklyn showers lookin' for a piece of blue sky

STILL OF THE MORNING

IT STARTED

With laundry @ 8 in the morning. I felt so ashamed that i let it pile up like I did - but I'm from California. We had our own washer and dryer -- the tedious 4 flight walk and 6 block walk over never rests well with the ankle (or my laziness).

Today is the start of my writing workshop @ Brownstone Books (www.brownstonebooks.com) please come - it's free dammit!

Got a great feeling about the upcoming events. The Open Mic @ Baggot Inn featuring Eska and UK friends, the Punany & Politics featuring Lamar Hill, Gerren Liles & Slaughter. The book company. I'm telling ya'll I feel like a grown up more and more each day. I have a lot going on in my body though. The White Chocolate Mocha is pressing against my abdomen like WHOA.

And I look forward to Miles Marshall Lewis coming to join me at the Nuyorican to read from his book ...Scars on their Souls... he's coming all the way from Paris (native BoogieDown Bronxster) so I hope he will have gifts.

Still talking to my people's in Japan. Looks like that's the next stop for this artistic takeover

iPod - loves me.

listening to: (for copa)
Luther
Amerie
Aaliyah
Anthony Hamilton
Nina Simone
Floetry
digable planets
Usher
Bhangra
Midnight Soul (1 & 2)
Meshell Ndegeocello
MF Doom
Miri Ben-Ari
Mary J Blige
DangerMouse & Jemini
Mos Def
Jamie Fox
Black Rob
Pitbull
Joss Stone
Norah Jones
Gwen Stefani
Sean Price
Nina Sky
Public Enemy
Musiq
Mariah Carey
Dwele
Busta Rhymes
Ludacris
Goapele
Damien Rice
Black Star

i think that's a good start, eh?

AS PROMISED

the great news...

check out my new publishing group's website. that's right. MY PUBLISHING GROUP
www.penmanshipbooks.com

and lastly...
friday night, i competed in the Nuyorican Poets Cafe Semi-Finals and after the tie and sudden death round: i became the 2nd person to qualify for the 5 person GRAND SLAM. May 12th is the date for the finals.

this feeling i'm having is real crazy - but -- then so is life. Feb 10th is the Baggot Inn & Feb 25th is JAM ON IT @ Chasama. Teaching a performance poetry workshop tomorrow @ Brownstone Books (www.brownstonebooks.com) 630pm - 8pm... come see me

bklyn bombshell

BIG

THINGS

are happening... will let you know what that means first thing in the morning

HIT THE ROAD MO

Providence...Here I Come

Getting my bag together as we speak. Decided not to drive - as Im tired... and it's cheaper.
and i wanna try out my new iPod... what? chilling with jared paul and his crew @ AS220 tonite

will let you know how it goes

bklyn readies for providence

AWWW HELL!

it done' hit da FAN

cave canem summer retreat this year's faulty include

my first and only workshop'n mentor: PATRICIA SMITH
http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/s_z/p_smith/about.htm

but also http://www.engl.virginia.edu/faculty/dove.html former US Poet Laureate

and http://www.kwamedawes.com/biography.htm the immaculate author and poet

can u feel that -- i think i just had an orgasm... all the poetry greats -- in one conference for a week 24/7... i dont know if i can handle that.

unfinished series

the unfinished

ok. this is the unfinished series. if you write like me -- you probably got a gang of these things lying around - eh? so give me a lil something... you can choose to share a stanza or the premise or the whole damn LOT!

this one is : not so strange

and i had no idea where it was going and if it was taking me or not. dont even know how i felt about it after it sat there. looking back at me. anyway, let's build my friends. this is also a friends only post - cause i want you as comfortable to share as possible... i mean, once our words hit the air - we are all very naked.

flowers wilting
frost
bitten hands grasping vinegar and rays of sound
the moment we've prepared for
clasped lips and slow breaths
you remind me of tomorrow
dew morning wet lipstick
shimmer glitter sighs
we can't break this any smaller
pieces of infinite measures
where is your heart lover
have you rested it between
wind currents
or am I forgetting my place?

I WANNA BE A ROCKER

rock status:

yea. i think i wanna rock out like whoa... poetically of course

or this could be just another function of too much MTV


das ok -- i'm still a poetry rockstar! ha -- much cooler.

countdown til my girl eska is here from london. she's so dope - it's disgusting.
that said come check us out at BAGGOT INN (NYC's WEST VILLAGE) on FRIDAY
FEB 10th! 8pm sharp.
it's gonna be something beautiful. disgustingly beautiful :)
check my myspace page to see her link and let me know how quickly you fell in love with her too!

bklyn break beats

ADVICE INTERVENTION

ADVICE FOR AN ARTIST

ha. don't ask me. i am still getting ova my own SHYT! lol -- no really, this brother that i haven't seen in almost 2 years, catches me typing away in the coffeeshop and he sits down for a breather. he asks me some question that is still close to my heart: emotional cheating. i'm like -- whoa. you don't wanna ask me that homeboy. Cause my answer ain't sweet...

but we spoke briefly - he poured out his heart. and afterwards, i felt the exact same way i did before the conversation took place. except - not as angry. more sad.

some of my poet friends advocate "polyamory" but i dont think im built for that - though after watching several montell episodes where there aren't fights over MY MAN but discussions about why its easy for them to love 2 and 3 persons at once - i am more openminded to the possibility of someone falling in between the cracks of a relationship and opening themselves to outside affection. even simple intimate conversations (i.e., emotional cheating) - have more of a human face, rather than selfish fangs.

but don't get it twisted - i ain't goin' for dat shyt. all im saying is, "ahhh. i get it. good for you! " and "good luck with that!" cause one thing i know about sharing, someone always wants it back to enjoy all by themselves...

bklyn brew'n

WATERMELON SEEDS

WATERMELON SEEDS

i sux on every level. missed the film forum opening of melvin van peebles How to Eat Watermelon in front of White People (and like it). remember i had the luxury of interviweing mr. van peebles before christmas break -- and if he ain't flyy I aint black.
instead of walking around and elbowing fellow journalists and upscale celebs - i went to see christa perform at the nuyo... which i hadnt had a chance to do since she took over NYC.

i guess that's a good enough reason. especially since i have never EVER witnessed a poet perform the idea of a poem - rather than the actual poem. she's hilarious. and had the audience eating out the palm of her hands! anyway. i guess it looks like i will be going to see that on tuesday, asmy poetry class is postponed while the kids take regents (state) testing... much needed rest. fa real. i've been workshopping my ass to death! but bills are a calling - and mama needs a new pair of shoes (red pumps, preferably!) and then i have passes to see the new sanaa lathan flick where she falls in love with a white man and leaves a fine black man (blair underwood) behind. needless to say, i went to school in sacramento california - just an hour away from the home of the black panther party. and yes - it happens to us (black women) all the time. so i wonder what black men will say when they see the beautiful sanaa lathan (acting, nonetheless) loving a white man? how will they feel?

i read about a report of black women and asian men having the highest percentage of staying single. somehow, these two groups have a hard time marrying outside of their race. which makes a lot of sense. i know a lot of women that refuse (hell, i was there) to date anything but black men. some say its just attraction - i mean, i have a thing for marky mark (see thin skin for my essay forbidden fruit: craving for mark wahlberg) but actually being with someone of a different race, just never happened. but when i speak with black men -- they is no holds barred on the loving. i've heard everything from I WILL DATE ANYBODY to I DATE EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW. and i think that is comindable. im all about freelove. genderless, colorless - love. but i have also witnessed "im getting me a white man cause i want my kids to have good hair" to "i only date lightskinned girls"...

ok. wait. i swear, i didn't get on here to type out a rant... and i'm so sure we had this discussion before, so with that said. i will leave this topic open to you -- i have to look in the archives for the initial conversation.

i have to prepare for my feature tomorrow @ BAR 13 (university and 13th street, NYC). come see me if you got time. 7pm

bklyn out


boondocks report: KIM i watched it again. and i understand what they are trying to say -- but what happens when someone actually repeats "i dont' mean N*** in a bad way" and they aren't black?

100 miles and running

100 MILES n RUNNIN'

i had two classes in one day
hair braiding session
a show this evening

and i still havent picked up tickets for the new JAM ON IT show
checked out the new space for JAM on the OPEN MIC
or ate..

oh yea - no coffee either.

bklyn heldhostage

talkin ish...

talkin to my sis
about angelina jolie
being pregnant...

why we are angry
and invested
in this situation
is beyond me...

cause Live Mik said so

My Life..... My Poem......

My Name: mahogany l. browne

Childhood Ambitions: To be a writer.

First Job: Burger King, WHAT?

Last Purchase: kenji jasper's new memoir: the house on childress street, family guy dvd collection, paper towels and lord of war

Indulgence: starbucks white chocolate mocha w/whipped (low skim milk)

Fondest Memory: hitting the ball to the fence in softball, i think i was in 8th grade... that or performing my first poem (by james weldon johnson) in the 6th grade. oh yea - we won!

Soundtrack: Bill Withers: Use Me or Meshell Ndgecello's Bitter

Wildest Dream: writing my book of whatever at my summer chataeu in Paris

Proudest Moment: amari's birth & when i found out my grandmother was really proud of me

Biggest Challenge: learning the art of solace. raising a woman in this vida loca

Alarm Clock: amari's voice & nickelodeon

Perfect Day: shopping with no foot pain, poetry conversations, laughter & kisses

Favorite Movie: color purple, usual suspects, dirty dancing

Inspiration: life

My Poem: The Mothers by Gwendolyn Brooks

MYSPACE & Other Interactions

MYSPACE & Other Interactions

woke up.
brushed my teeth.
clean the bathroom.
made some cereal. (raisin bran, i'm on that lose 10 pounds kick for this other weight shift)
opened my laptop.
checked my email.
spoonful of raisins in my mouth.
checked my myspace.
1hr later... i'm like damn resolutions!

i have found everyone on there. its so freaky. but its definitely the car wreck that i can't look away from. found old writing comrade Miles Marshall Lewis... or he found me. either way, glad to see he up and moved to PARIS (how jealous am i)? and is writing a montly column about his experiences! the writer's life, huh?

also checking out an oakland native, ms danyel smith. she has a cool blog - though i wish she would update it more - i think it's helpful that she does it every now and again, otherwise - i'd be so addicted i probably wouldnt even get to myspace! lol

relent came thru to the nuyo last nite. i wonder what he thought of the situation - as he left early. his girlfriend tina is so nice. im not sure if NYC is worthy of friendly people sometimes. she had some horror stories which reminded me of my past NYC scares including:

• young man in blue neon car follows me from the train station and asks for my number. it's 3 in the morning so i decline even participating in the conversation. he gets upset. yells "stuck up bitches get raped, ya know" and tosses back "i'll be back" before the car speeds off.
• walking from the movie theatre (alone) after taking myself on a date (what? i do that, YO). just finished watching crash and rize - needless to say, i'm excited. i'm checking my voicemail as i just sat thru 4 hours of movie and know somebody has something to say when i pass a transient smelling like urine and holding a lit cigarette. he is mumbling to himself, but this is NYC - who doesn't mumble to themselves? i'm almost past him when he lurches at me yelling non-distinguishable-ness and pushing his cigarette towards my face - flame first. i flip into oakland mode. try to beat him with my phone, before he scurries away whimpering like I WAS THE ONE that started some shyt.
• first date gone awry. the young man says "you forget i know where you live" when i dont return his call.

the list of events goes on. this is why the fear never subsides. why walking down any street in America is hard for women. why i am raising my daughter to kick pull scream for her breath - because she is a womanchild. she will too have to feel this fear for herself. she will have to know what it feels like to have your pulse quicken at the sound of "psst". you never know if they are just being friendly or are on a time clock ticker of destruction. aim of target: weak woman. helpless woman. strong woman. bytstander, woman. sole woman. woman

i've got to pull myself together. these discussions only pull me deeper into the NOW of what am i going to do when reality comes charging for my daughter's blood. but she will not be sacrificed. i've run fearfully long enough for the both of us.

bklyn stand up

i lost

i lost

7 pounds... wanted to get ready for the surgery that will help me walk normal again. unfortunately -- they just told me that i shouldnt have the surgery cause it will take me another 6 - 8 weeks to walk right -- again...i hate this crap.

though i do love how i fit in jeans an entire size smaller than (ab) normal.

here's to fukd up toes and apple booties...

sometimes u just ...

sometimes you just wanna

sleep. and look at internet. and daydream. i have so much on my plate that im afraid will forget to breath in the meantime. check it:

deposit new venue
create art journal for workshop #1
book guest speaker for workshop #3
mail pkgs to overseas & homr
invoice UW
submit app to PW
check penmanshipbooks.com web development status
wash clothes
ikea trip (again)
put up shelves (feng shui, remember)
book studio time for Feb w/Eska
i-pod set-up
Jam On It sponsorship letters
check in w/editor

gawd. i dont think i will have time to eat, or breath for that matter.

bklyn scheming...

yes, yes ya'll!

this is me on cap n crunch. lol -- im chilling in this cold ass house. amari is eating chinese food and he is sneezing like crazy. bklyn please stand up. this weather is unfit for a queen such as myself.

finaly finished the story that was kicking my behind. classes are going well and i have a couple of features lined up... check the myspace for locations and music.

www.myspace.com/mahoganylbrowne

will be back tomorrow for some insight on control top pantyhouse and the god that is chocolate.

bklyn's chilling...

before i let go...

i've been watching Law and Order since i woke
we are addicted to the marathon...

I AM


tired. no really. i have been running from the bronx to harlem to midtown to bklyn, thru williamsburg back home... finally. to rest. but now im not tired... well - sleepy. had starbucks. which will keep me up. no matter.

have to review tapes and stop watching G I Jane, while J spins 50 cent mixes in the background.

have to find another location for the new open mic we are hosting. i think acoustic. he thinks not. where will our compromise lie -- who knows? he will probably win. that is cool.

we are growing. like my sore ankle and toes. wednesday i go in for prep. very excited about that. i have promised myself a walk in red high heels and by golly. imma get it.

back to the lab. i still have a workshop to facilitate tomorrow morning...

bklyn made a realist...

resolutions

as they stand

internet: only 4 hours (so far)

grudges: none. well. almost none. i've dwindled it down to 1 really good one though

happiness: i smiled for no reason today. then he made me laugh for a couple of hours.

writing: uh oh... yea. still in uh oh mode :(

feng shui: uh oh again. i have several bags of laundry laughing at me.

tv: the wire comes on tonite. we haven't watched the past series -- so now we get to play catch up!


that's all for now...

THANK LIVE MIK

i was so impressed with her newness, that i had to jump my blog on in it!!
whaddya think??

life of a poet

be crazy. trust me. double bookings - almost always happen.
childcare cancellation - inevitable.
bad promo - yes. that happens alot to.

but the love of the art is what sustains us. keeps us coming back for more.
apologies for miscommunications are always in the wings. waiting to be delivered to the person that was offended most recently.

and you breath in the forgiveness. or not. you can let it mist beside you til the vapors - vaporize... but life will continue to turn. the kids hungry and homeless will still need action and not just poems. the babies born with needles imbedded in their bellies will still need something more. and we will just be poets. the ones that say we are about change. and rarely do ANYTHING to make change.

some of us will still be
the breadwinners for our families.
the artists that starve for fun.
the reason one may breath.
the reason some may cry.
the beginning of something beautiful.
or the ending of something ugly.

no matter. this small scene. with the promoters that are envious of each other. the blacklisters and life suckers will continue to roam above land. looking for their next in - in this life and the next. not so worried about the movement, but moreso themselves. not so worried about the game - but how they will be remembered as a key player in it. not their contributions -- but their accomplishments.

this says so much about the movement. where our biggest concern is how bright we shine.

that's probably where my failure to assimilate comes into focus.

but im not about the bling.

never have been.

stomach PANGS

yup. ate spanish food last nite. and it was good going down -- but with this new diet. my tolerance is lowered.

huff. just woke up heaving.

in pain. til i chewed on some pepto tablets. now the world isn't swimming so much.

pulling together a couple of tricks for some workshops this week.

will get back to you when the sun is actually out

back to the coffeeshop

can't work at the crib. (resolutions for feng shui is not as easy as i expected)

put the office space on hold til winter was over... though i cant wait to go there

its what i need.

space for me and my writing...

speaking of which... surprises are in the left and right wing. will introduce them sooner than you think.

back to writing.

resolutions update:

grudges: none to date (smile)
dance: more sleeping than not
internet: 5 hours yesterday (bad girl)
sleep: all day (badd girl)
low carb diet: my first half a bagel in almost a month (not so bad girl)

bklyn bag-lady

dope quotes are everywhere!

some of the best things in life are total mistakes -- uma thurman (from the movie paycheck - i know... don't kill me)

contemplating...life

all the pretty colors

myspace is very scary. not in a bad way. but in a "where the hell have you been/and why did u find it fit to email me" sort of way.

it leads me down memory lane. you know the one where you have to be accountable for your actions, damn that 20/20 vision. where all the colors stop running wild with pink and blue and yellow haze and become black and white. i mean. we can live a certain way, it's easy to be selfish when you dont have anyone else to think about. but when you look back -- and you see what your actions resulted in, its like damn. i suck

and most of us blame it on growing. some of us say - regrets would not lead me to the be the person who i am. and i like who i am. but i say: you might be cool, but that was real fuk'd up, yo. present company included. i have done some grimy ish. things that i'm not proud of. i was too in a daze with the intoxication of attention, liquor and coming into my womanhood - that i didn't care who i hurt. i mean, i didn't go out of my way to try and hurt anyone - but i didnt want the responsibility of someone's happiness either. it was all about ME.

and that thought process paid off in my career. but it crippled my personal relationships. it also paralyzed my hopes for any sisterly relationship with new women for years to come.

i was conditioned to believe:
women can't be trusted
women are sneaky
women are conniving
women are skanky

and then ... there are very few of US that aren't. and god bless the birds in the trees, i've been lucky enough to meet a beautiful array of women that don't fall in the category listed above. but believe me -- i know many that swim in that damn section - backstroke. breath. endure.

i think that's when it became my magnum opus. to break down the barriers between women. after my love/hate experience with the punany crew. after i was cheated on (by almost every boyfriend i had). after all that - i decided. i will find the woman that is me. she may have made mistakes - but she learned from them and scolded them -- rather than let them continue to run rapid like a growing tumor. festering in the brain child of unity. expanding with every eye roll. gossip session. backstabbing finger snapping moment.

its been a long haul. i have found many women that refuse to be a part of the pettiness. then i have met some that make me want to revert to fist to cuff antics, i mean. atleast i know what those results will look like. and in the midst of the frustration. it always seemed like a cool tradeoff.

in this moment of my personal movement. i have been challenged at work. writing for the same magazines that objectivy everything that makes women go crazy. highlighting the worst assets and limelighting asses -- i have pulled my hair out during meetings with editors and EICs. i have fell off the too-short and ice cube bandwagon, though i still can repeat the memorized lyrics of "a bitch iz a bitch". i have talked myself out of writing for a mag that i may not support - though i thought i did/could for the simple fact that they did not have my sister's best interets at heart, even if it was published by a sister.

these lessons are never-ending. but i press on. i still go to the coffeeshop where i am ignored by the women owner. i still received lackluster responses from women when applauding their poetic efforts. i still find the eye rolls in between the audience of mainly women. wondering where it may stem from, is a waste of time. trying to sustain my balance is a feat in itself. i want to revert to my oakland ways and say "BITCH". i want to roll my eyes and not deal with it. but that's just a cope out. art and activism isn't for everyone. but then - i'm not everyone.

i once thought men were the reason for women not getting along. and now i know. they aren't the sole reason (though most of them perpetuate it "girls dont get along", one female per crew of men, etc) we've got to start taking responsibility for our actions with each other.

the way we treat each other - without care. without second glance. that is what will forever replay in my nightmares. those will fuel my insecurities and remain as a reminder of what selfish people will do. i have been there. i have the scars to prove it. those memories are the ones that come back. blaring defined lines of black and white with grey shading. for artistic measure, im sure. this is when i am humbled. when i have to take the bad with the worse. when i have to see what i could've been. when i have to stop pointing at others and start thinking of change.

this lifestyle aint for the meek. preaching is only fun when you dont have to live in the moment. this is my beginning, again. i am full with the idea of something better. regrets aren't for the weak, its for the compassionate. the learned. the self-evolved. this how you become a better women. i'm learning new shyt everyday.

Two's

Names You Go By

1Mahogany

2Mo

Two Parts of Your Heritage

1. black

2. more black - ok. white? (thanks great-great-great-grandpa bubby evans)

Two Things That Scare You

1. sexually transmitted uncurable disease

2. snakes

Two of Your Everyday Essentials

1. Computer

2. Coffee

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now

1. sweatshirt hoody

2. providence slam t-shirt

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)

1. goapele

2. john legend

Two of Your Favorite Songs (at the moment)

1. "the blower's daughter" damien rice

2. "whisper song" ying yang twins (shut the hell up already)

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)

1. honesty

2. passion

Two Truths

1. you dont know what you got til it's gone

2. life's a bitch. and if you are lucky, you marry one

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You

1. back

2. teeth/smile

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies

1. blogging/livejournaling/myspacing/urbis submitting

2. reality tv - anything and damn near everything

Two Things You Want Really Badly

1. To walk without pain or a limp again

2. To see my daughter grow up, graduate, get married - the usual

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation

1. brazil

2. jamaica

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die

1. start the non-proft in my grandmother's name

2. go to college and finish my degree

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Dude/Chick

1. emotional

2. hopeless romantic

Two Ways you act like the opposite sex

1. tough exterior

2. love ultimate fighting and kickboxing

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit

1. I fart in my sleep

2. I am paranoid at the oddest times

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now

1. cant wait til this low carb diet is over

2. damn, im still hungry. what can i eat without feeling guilty?

Two Stores You Shop At

1. key food

2. target

call out:

liveMIK

relentless

amanda

Queue

schedule of events

every wednesday: nuyorican poets cafe
january
21: feature in bklyn - RL's CAFE

26: feature @ LOUDERARTS, Union Square - my first slam team. family and friends are
welcome to come. i have something new in the works. when i say new. i mean it!

29: feature @ AS220, Providence RI. so excited about this one. Jared Paul is really cool. And Jive always speaks highly of this spot.

Will put out the Feb joint soon...

memoirs geisha style

reading the book.

wanna finish it before i see the movie.

resolutions are working themselves out.

internet: only 2 - 3 hours a day
writing: still not up to it. i have flushed out several story lines, but have yet to spring them on the keyboard.

bought the krump battles dvd. he laughed at me. it was a bit boring. not at all like the documentary. we ended up watching my new fav: roll bounce. too cute

still have yet to unpack. 4 bags. mostly clothes and bedspreads (what, ikea had a sale -- and that's something that you just can't pass up!) and i got the coolest present from him! yes -- it has to do with napoleon dynamite and tetherball! ha

workshop today. walk thru of loft this afternoon. then i promise. i will work on last couple of stories. editor is in a huff - but understandble so. thank goodness i can blame the lack of progress on the flu i hosted for the past week. sigh -- oh hell. he's reading this

oh wait!

new phone! yesss
one that works, like, all the time?
no matter which room i go into in my small bklyn apartment!
call me... listen to the voicemail that no longer says BLITZ!

bklyn shining

brokeback mountain

now i really want to see this.

and not just because its the first gay cowboy movie. but because it is a gay cowboy movie. is that odd? i dunno

anyway. i have a class in the bronx this morning and i'm not very excited about that. cause im really tired. but the class is really dope. i'm helping a special ed high school put together an arts journal. so i got to bring my magazine experience rather than just my poetry background. very nice

nothing really intense to talk about today. i mean. isn't that what happens when you are happy? all th insight falls thru the cracks. and you find yourself rubbing his back. playing with his hair and whispering nasty lil' things.

resolutions update:
eat better: no carb diet - seems to be ok now. not as angry as i was the day before.
internet: still addicted to myspace.
grudges: none to date
dancing: did it on new years eve into the morning -- hey. i start early
ugly emails: erased. no going back on that one

now. i need to jump on the writing letters and writing reguraly. if i know you by name. email me your mailing address. help a sista with her resolutions dammit. :)

productivity is sexy

how evil is evil?

i mean really?

when poets go crazy

but im not.
yesterday i was all WILLY NILLY
happy then sad. then i remembered.
im on a new no-carb diet... my body and brain are going into shock
over the lack of cakes n cookies n pies n bagels n shyt...

but the good news is -- i need geico insurance if i wanna drive this damn car in the city and

IM HOME

:)

resolutions 2006 cause amanda said so...

ok. this will only hurt a little:

practice tact (ex: brutal honesty doesn't have to be SO brutal)

sleep less

produce more books

more scheduled writing time

less internet surfing - ok - less blog reading (that one hurt)
less myspace surfing... seriously.
less livejournal surfing...no, seriously.

ignore the haters. don't give them a leg to stand on, dammit!

be less sensitive

more understanding

bear no crosses

hold no grudges

don't re-read ugly emails
don't get mad - get a lawyer
dont act in haste

find patience

save money. no pity shoe shopping ANYMORE!

decorate the house - find my feng shui

meditate more regurarly

eat better

write more letters - it's a lost art, i swear.

vacation more - weekend getaways included

walk in heels again. red ones. ha!

tell amari the truth

kiss her more than twice a day

have more dates...with him

find a house

get a dog -- a staffie, a pit or a bulldog

find happiness daily

don't act in haste - no really. stop that shyt!

fix my frown -- even when i really wanna frown

less judgement. more observation (smile christa)

stay optimistic

dance again, without wincing

fall in love with myself again

let him love me completely

different strokes : different folks

ok. so we are having a party... but wait till you see it!
that's all imma say about it right now.

and... the book group is fabulous... or fabolous. where ever your hip hop head would prefer!

poison pen and c-rayz are coming to talk to my kids. which is as beautiful as can be. pen pen is my lil brother. and c-rayz is my crazy CUZn... lol but they have hearts that exceed the perimeters of lyricists... fa real

i have been talking to aja. she is a doll. a young lady with a spirit of a warrior. and she's only 18. she feels my pain only too well. but she will prevail. women like us always do.

missing live mik. i know she's in austin tearing it up. she takes over Neo Souldiers Poetry Set as the new year's host. which is very fitting for this systa indeed.

my girl Christa is here in NY for the first couple of weeks of January. im too excited about that. she is crazy, no doubt. but she's my crazy friend. popcorn and raisnets adding - sushi eating -writer-chick.

relentless has finally picked his date of NY descension. and mannn is the scene ready. TX may have lost a soldier, for now, but NYC has gained a new voice. welcome to bklyn, kid!

we are preparing for my cousin to move to NYC. she will be finishing her degree at FIT. she's a fireball yo, fa real. been looking online for rooming situations -- as you know. bklyn apartments can be the worst!

can't find my cough drops. got ride of most of the flu - but slept on the floor last nite like an ass... don't say it - i know. now im snifling again.

i get to go home in just a couple of hours. i have never been more homesick - or was it just this time last year that i was THIS homesick. no matter. things to do, people to kiss. world takeovers to plan. he is my breath. fa real.

still need to pack one more bag. messed around and went shopping at ikea yesterday. damn sales! i don't know how im going to fit all this in our house. still looking at puppies that i can't have. :( mf doom cancelled his new york concert.

but - i do have roll bounce and the new goapele album. i guess you can't go wrong wit dat

whatchu doing?

all that matters

is your sanity.

this has been waiting to happen. this moment. the moment where i tell him "YOU ARE A TERRIBLE FATHER".

she cried for him. asked why he didn't have time for her. thought that he forgot about her. just wanted to be with her dad. it's funny. i spent the last 7 years protecting my daughter from the truth that his her father. the selfish, condescending, deliberate, hyprocrite that he is.

his obligation to be a father relied on our togetherness. and when that was no more. he decided his responsiblity to raise his daughter was also history.

now. i come from a family of thugs. literally. all of the men in my family have seen the inside of a jail cell. there is no wonder that my first reaction to threats are volatile. but i have tried to get past the missed calls, the lack of child support, the absentism. but this holiday season has been the final time.

and my significant other would probably laugh at that. as, he has heard me say that so many times before. and i meant them when i said them. then i started thinking about all the young women with issues because of their relationships (or lack thereof) with their father. and i wanted to fight the stastics. and i tried. but then he always reminded me of the man he had become - not the person that i had once known. and that's a hard lesson to swallow. a person that you have known for over a decade turn out to be who they've always been all along. hell. i have a hard time learning to accept people for who they are after only knowing them for a couple of MONTHS!

but i digress. i kept going back on my word to just cut this cancerous man out of our life. and to an extent. i succeeded. no phone calls. no emails. no nothing. i had nothing to say to him until he was ready to provide for his child, financially. but that was another whimsical wish of grown up-ity that i should've flushed down the toilet along with my respect for him. because it didn't happen.

matter of fact. he had the audacity to request amari live with him and i pay HIM child support. it seems the money he spent on his new girlfriend and her two kids had run out.

and that's where i am left now. with the truth in one hand and the obvious all rolled up into a disgusting ball of filth. my daughter cried because of him. and i couldn't help but feel the anger slide underneath my nails and outwards. i was ready to ride across the bay area streets to east oakland and leave a pipe shoved inside his car window as a goodbye gift. then amari called my loved one. my bestfriend. she wanted to talk to him and ask him how his day was. she has always been able to count on him. and during that short conversation. she laughed. she smiled. and she was my happy little girl again.

right then, the anger subsided. even if for the moment. because i had to recognize the blessing that he is to us. to have such an incredible man in our life - be the role model that any young child would need to be well rounded person, is just beyond words. and he moves me like that. in all his unfamiliar glory. he hates when i point out his greatness. but i can't help it. there are very few men that move me.

he makes my spirit soar...

uh oh

i think i just grew up.

im no longer angry at everyone.

im no longer holding grudges -- though i still feel disappointment.

but it doesn't have its grip on my soul

is this what it's like to be an adult?


still learning... and unlearning,

bklyn ready

how you do dat der?

oakland.
2006.
hegenberger road.
hegeberger hotel (once porno voyeristic dive) turned club wildcard.
4 rooms of music.
biz markie on the 1's and 2's.
free champagne at the strike of midnight.
dancing on the speakers - to assure no one steps on the toe, of course.

happy new year.