Monday, January 02, 2006

all that matters

is your sanity.

this has been waiting to happen. this moment. the moment where i tell him "YOU ARE A TERRIBLE FATHER".

she cried for him. asked why he didn't have time for her. thought that he forgot about her. just wanted to be with her dad. it's funny. i spent the last 7 years protecting my daughter from the truth that his her father. the selfish, condescending, deliberate, hyprocrite that he is.

his obligation to be a father relied on our togetherness. and when that was no more. he decided his responsiblity to raise his daughter was also history.

now. i come from a family of thugs. literally. all of the men in my family have seen the inside of a jail cell. there is no wonder that my first reaction to threats are volatile. but i have tried to get past the missed calls, the lack of child support, the absentism. but this holiday season has been the final time.

and my significant other would probably laugh at that. as, he has heard me say that so many times before. and i meant them when i said them. then i started thinking about all the young women with issues because of their relationships (or lack thereof) with their father. and i wanted to fight the stastics. and i tried. but then he always reminded me of the man he had become - not the person that i had once known. and that's a hard lesson to swallow. a person that you have known for over a decade turn out to be who they've always been all along. hell. i have a hard time learning to accept people for who they are after only knowing them for a couple of MONTHS!

but i digress. i kept going back on my word to just cut this cancerous man out of our life. and to an extent. i succeeded. no phone calls. no emails. no nothing. i had nothing to say to him until he was ready to provide for his child, financially. but that was another whimsical wish of grown up-ity that i should've flushed down the toilet along with my respect for him. because it didn't happen.

matter of fact. he had the audacity to request amari live with him and i pay HIM child support. it seems the money he spent on his new girlfriend and her two kids had run out.

and that's where i am left now. with the truth in one hand and the obvious all rolled up into a disgusting ball of filth. my daughter cried because of him. and i couldn't help but feel the anger slide underneath my nails and outwards. i was ready to ride across the bay area streets to east oakland and leave a pipe shoved inside his car window as a goodbye gift. then amari called my loved one. my bestfriend. she wanted to talk to him and ask him how his day was. she has always been able to count on him. and during that short conversation. she laughed. she smiled. and she was my happy little girl again.

right then, the anger subsided. even if for the moment. because i had to recognize the blessing that he is to us. to have such an incredible man in our life - be the role model that any young child would need to be well rounded person, is just beyond words. and he moves me like that. in all his unfamiliar glory. he hates when i point out his greatness. but i can't help it. there are very few men that move me.

he makes my spirit soar...

1 comment:

still grooven said...

WOW! i had to comment. my ex said the same dumb shit (oops, i'm s'posed to be cussing less this year)... he said the same craziness. that he be primary custodial parent and i pay him. (like that would happen.) my children are blessed, though that he has been more present for them now than he ever was when we were married. i'm glad to see that you are back in the presence of the one who loves you and your daughter. prayers for her--your daughter--and her pain. but she'll make it to the other side. i am certain of it. she has you for a momma.

best 2 you in the new year,