when the sigh breaks

missing you is a
lymph node closing
hard
gripping fear and oxygen
fist frenzy for your love
i am
in harm's way
will allow you to
run my veins for anything
they got to give
you hold me hostage
heartstrings near scissors

promise it'll happen quickly
in my sleep
or between a blink, these
damn stars
swimming endless in your eyes
paralyze my religious tongue
it will surrender

it will falter any truths with pain
in tow
lose faith in me and then worry
if i'll make it
let there be light
before the death taunters on stilts
blocking the sun and the moon
outstretched smile, gathering my whole
for this chance

to say
i love you, more than i've ever loved myself.
damn you.
damn me.
it is this type of honesty
green and red lights dancing
across the face of a razor blade

faithless lover, you can find me in the
porcelin tub
eyelids blinking from the brightness
of this ready skin

PHAT

ive been trying to lose weight for my sis' wedding.
this is not hard. it just takes willpower...which i
have none. but, i've been on a walking work out and
weight watcher's kick for the past 3 weeks.

i have lost 5 pounds. this is not the hard part. i
can lose 5 here but gaining the 5 back has always
been in the near future. but not now. and that feels
good.

to walk by a mirror and pray that its a dillusion!
holy hell, who let her out? and the taut stomachs
that have bombarded the airwaves all of a sudden,
when i'm hanging out with my beau, well - that's just
unfair. i wonder if he knows im watching him watch
the tv. i mean, sure he replies to my to my baited
question, "YOU LIKE HER? IS SHE HOT?" but does he really
know that i watch his breathing before and after the
commercial, all the while sucking my stomach in, until
i pass out from exhaustion.

hence, the reason this new eating trend (counting
points, alot of water, no soda AT ALL) is not as difficult
as i initially thought.

i will talk to you again. but right now, my stomach is beginning
to feast on itself. and the grumblings will wake him if
im not careful.

release

it is always

a great idea

to get it off

your chest

before the

implosion,

insecurity,

hair loss,

& loneliness

surpass the

greatness

that lie in

your wake.

you are

all things

fresh

and flyy

and your

smile sings

with the

reason

fearlessness

is sexy.

because you

are sexy.

especially

when you

fall. so sexy

after you get

up.

dust off.

and look to

the sucka

that tripped

you. the

cornball

that hated

on you

so much

your teeth

hurt from

sucking wind.

this is for

those cowards

that wait for

your shadows

to hate on

your DIVAness!

don't be...

afraid to say

"fuk you"!



now. don't

you feel

better?

more funny

your life should be more funny than mine
the broken floor in my bedroom -- totally hilarious

the bugs that my cat will snack on if we leave the
windows open overnight, even more funny, yo

the building's security door -- the one that was suppossed
to be secure, before they monkey wrenched that joint open -
split my friggin insides at the seams

the landlord that refuses to fix the bathtub leak, broken floor
or supply the supper with a clean mop, is satan's lovechild.

he prefers our entryway to smell like musty pubes
and the front steps to overflow with garbage. an offense that has
cost him several violations *unpaid* for lowering the quality of life.


brooklyn, why do you make it so hard for me to love you?

ramblings 120am

i should be sleeping

but how do you sleep when you are fixated with rape

i am reading alice sebold's lucky

it makes me feel as reflective as the title

sorta

i could have so many more bad experiences than remembered

but i have a growing daughter

love for writing

and the ability to make a GREAT living at doing what i love

i work with kids, actually taking all those poems on stage into

the fire.

fuk the choir

i misspell curse words because my kids will google me soon

and i want to be as responsible as possible when saying, yes,

i cursed. but i am grown. what's your excuse?

and they will ignore me. but will still find other words

to use when writing their poems.

and i won't feel as bad when my daughter rushes home to tell

me she showed her teacher my website today, again...

i am on a diet. more watching the weight than dieting.

i walk in mornings if i can sleep enough during the night

and my intake of sweets and snacks have lessened by 90%

i am proud of my luck

it affords me the write to talk to you like this...

Father Figure

falling in love with you was
as painful as the first hit from
my father

open palmed instructions
"don't talk while grown folks is speaking"

today, i speed through syllables
thrashing his remains away from my center:
the stolen earrings he gave me for Christmas,
the first time i met his only wife,
the lone letter that my step-sister still carries
like lead poisoning beneath her skin
sit like arsenic lined chocolates on my pillow

i know
this is what makes it hard for you to love me
how my fist carry the weight of yesterday
the jealous streak that plays dodge ball with common sense
still

you lean in,
close my mouth with your hand;
a friendly pressure with salt felt fingertips
whispering an offering for my tongue to flicker against,
as i wither and fold myself into an orgasm

no one told me it would hurt like hell
this daughter of a man whose blood burns
for women outside of steel cages
my knuckle heavy grin grows for a man with
your sorrow
when infidelity smells like home
like peaches and other women’s panties
like abduction and shot gun shells
like broken baseball bats and a woman harboring a broken heart
and a stolen child for a man that will never love her back

don’t be surprised when I ask you to repeat yourself
I prefer to wander the perimeters with cheeks shielded by tears

I no longer talk to my father
Avoid any man with his dimensions

Even though,
I can’t help the indignant pause
That rip through my teeth when someone speaks
out of turn.

Young, Gifted & Black

i am reading an informal autobiography of loraaine hansberry.

she is really and truly amazing and makes me want to start smoking cigarettes, hosting speakeasies @ my brooklyn flat, arguing about the plight of our culture and society as a people and sit on fire escapes until the sun comes up...

walk like love

walking
like my life was constructed
between two feet pacing forward
breath, heavy

stretch the walls
of my heart everytime
i bend knee,
extend right arm
ground heel then toe into soil,

gravel

this earth

is giving me back something
filling up my lungs, candy painted air
colored in the scarf of smog
and so heavy

i practice pull ups with my thighs
reach high with my eyes
ask heaven or helicopters for the strength
encourage my lungs for one more breathe
exhaust my arms in doubledutch motion
twist my torso for effect

i love like this, too
trudging ahead
looking for higher ground
a place to plant my love
away from hearts unready to lie in the
furrowed soil

far from the reach of sullied
minds that deface footprints
in the concrete for fun

coffee & brooklyn: Amsterdam

Don't let anyone ever tell you Amsterdam's greatest assets are the Red Light District and the weed cafes. Sure, potheads and sex-a-holics are thrilled at the idea of this police-lite disneyland, but as a womanist, mother and advocate of empowerment, I am unsure if I embody the sexual maturity necessary for such an appreciation. Also living as a grown woman in a monogamous relationship, this might not have been the best summary for me to have when touring the land of frites and fresh cappuccinos. Still, you only live once. And after booking a gig at the Paradiso (the largest concert hall in Holland, hosting the likes of Fiddy & Rolling Stones), I planned on walking the brick laid roads as if my life depended on it.

The first morning I arrived by boat. This is funny if you believe that slavery can be viewed as black humor. Click the link to read the rest!

Coffee & Brooklyn: Amsterdam
Spindle Magazine - Tuesday, 15 January 2008

© Spindle Magazine

2008 already

jill scott and chris rock. bittersweet beauty

honey larochelle project. something big in the near future. with pics and sounds and an awesome experience attached.

workshop renewal. great ideas go along way and then, you get paid for it.

business dealings dissolved. great things come out of the ashes. like a phoenix. or a mobrowne. both are fire.

suheir hammad @ brooklyn museum. needed when i least expected it. seriously.

on broadway. every sunday. why not?
New World Stages (Time Out NY Lounge)
340 West 50th Street (& 9th Ave)
any train to 42nd Street
C train to 50th street
N,R train to 49th street

check my dates. check me out. 08 is all about us. let's go :)

1.06.08 Syllable Crazy! Haiku Slam & Open Mic -1st of 2008!!
1.12.08 African American Museum
1.13.08 Syllable Crazy! Open Mic & Special Feature
1.19.08 Last Poet Standing
1.20.08 Syllable Crazy! Open Mic & Special Feature
1.23.08 SUNY - Oneanto
1.27.08 Syllable Crazy! Open Mic & Special Feature
2.17.08 Jazz Poetry Live - VA
2.29.08 1 Year & 1 Mo Anniversary @ The Nuyorican Poets Cafe (feature performance!)
3.04.08 Wordplay Live @ Ladera Cafe
3.05.08 Cal Poly San Luis Obispo - Women Showcase
3.06.08 Int’l Women’s Month Presentation -- Santiago Canyon College

i doubt it...

you thought the shine would stop glowing
the world would stop turning
and you could slip into the sunset like
a cowboy

self reflection

every now and
again you should say
it out loud.
like this:





hands on hips
shoulders high
and eyes ablaze
mouth aligned with the
circular vowel, spit
gathering on your tongue
and resting in your cheeks
right foot slightly askew,
placed in front
and the world watches

I AM DOPE

now tell them, they should've known
better. swing those hips in all their
fullness and sway away proudly.

missing my sista's

tee and tam and cbell and live mik and april and dash and jaha and fa

thas all...

snow

your mother never loved you enough
always told you how pretty your
older sister was
in
comparison to you, her sunshine
was always warmer

and we wonder why you are maladjusted

unable to have friends, besides the
sludge and slippery dirt beneath our
feet
they'll be the only ones to miss you
after your sister returns
as we gaze in amazement -- how beautiful
she is

we knew this would burn you cold
leave u to catch our spines in your grip
with frosted teeth
still an ugly child
lashing out for attention

counterclock-un-wise

1.
it was like someone picked up
the phone
and played dial my heart with
your strings
as i watched
baffled,
wondering, how she learned
a melody so secret as your
own


2.
i should have ignored you
again
let you think i died
rolled over
until your incessant sniffing
grow bored of my stench
but no
i took this opportunity
to stretch my limbs and gather
my fur around me
strutting like you werent ready
to feast on my carcass
just like a
woman writer
always in need
of more drama
a year long game of possum
lost in the wind

3.
there were never books
or a manual to tell us
girls how to behave
and the women who reared
us -- need it just as
badly

the many things of my days

i am tired
and bones are weary.
i have a lot to do.
i have more to do than i
anticipated this morning
i didnt want to wake
couldnt feel my feet
their numbness brought me
to a higher plane -- i thought
i was still dreaming, until
i heard the door knocks
and then i remembered there
is little time for sleeping.
who knew that even our dreams
were expensive...

classy pants

i booked Tao Ling for a feature @ the Nuyorican, because i dig his work. he makes me laugh (see his SEX story on Nerve) and his response was "that'd be great! i get paid?!" even better.

then, he mailed me this, when i was searching for savings on half.com and amazon marketplace. he mailed me this because he's way more cooler than some of you SLACKERS out there!

classy act to follow.

Honestly,

Im really in love with www.BOOKMOOCH.com

fa real

mixed nuts

all of it is a gun shot
roulette
spin the bottle chance
of unhappiness/nappiness
who knew
life could be
so unreliable and unfair

nothing really...

today i had to come home early cause amari was sick. she has a big day on saturday with the entrance exams into a performance/gifted school. pray for us. this is the school that will be our second option, but its all about having options, right?

i have a row of things to tackle, but i cant wrap my head around it.

our new party starts this friday and my nerves (pms'n) are thru the roof. im moody, unsure, dissatisfied and ready to flip at all moments. that doesn't change the fact that i'll be hosting an event featuring saul williams this saturday! that makes me happy -- but then, i hope i have enough motrin to hold me down.

my sister has appointed me as the host of her bridal shower. and you're probably thinking, huh? well yea. she has not 1 and not 4 matron's of honors - but 3. and in all seriousness, those are the persons that were suppossed to be in charge of these things. but two of them moved to this side of the world and i guess my matching dna makes me the next best candidate. i still have to lose 15 more pounds. the holiday season didnt help my efforts, though i am fitting an entire jean size smaller.

huff. this is me when i dont know what the hell to do with myself. i still have a column to finish, some editing to dive into and im trying to ignore the sweet potato pie's whispers. oh yea, im ignoring the yellow cake with chocolate frosting too.

yea. ignoring it all - like a champ...