Monday, February 28, 2005

and another thing...

we are all fallable. what we choose to do and how we choose to portray ourselves -- is up to us.
the footprint we leave on this world's forehead, will remain exactly as we intended.
whether it was good or bad is only up to us. being a good human being is hard.
im sure. im tested daily. tested with huge things to small things that i deem unimportant until i see the big picture (weeks later)... and it can be trying. hard and tough and sometimes it all seems worthless.

seems like this is going nowhere. like life is nothing but a bad joke. no one wants to be the bad guy. atleast, not me. i like being liked. and liking others. but i also thrive and flourish in the face of adversity and drama. its a bad sign. i dont know what it means. but i do know that i try to steer clear of the poision, even moreso now. its kind of addictive. the drama. don't you think?

the turmoil and emotions and i know people who can't exist without an element of danger lurking near. i never understood it until i hit my mid twenties. then it made sense. that danger of emotions overflowing and intense adrenaline rush makes you feel ALIVE. makes you feel like everything you touch is just bursting with vibrations and feelings. and its gorgeous. to feel that alive. without any regard to the feelings of others -- it's almost impossible to see it all through anyone else's eyes... its definitely a selfish act. selfish and self-absorbed. and wrong.

lately, i've tried to be as considerate as possible. i dont want anyone to feel the pain that i've had to feel in this lifetime. its enough to last me til my grave. i still cry upon mention of my grandmother. my relationship with my mother and brother and father has tarnished like bad silver. i think that is why i moved to NYC. to get as far away from the madness as possible. i think that's why i steer clear of certain men. anyone who acts remotely like my father is history. i think that's why i don't trust myself completely. dont know if i will turn out to be the woman i despise so much. i sound like her more everyday. its scary. i see myself looking at myself and seeing HER...


i wonder if i will ever win this battle against the demons -- i try to use my poetry as a tool to fight them. my mother's biggest mistake was not living her life. thats why i try to teach amari to do anything she wants. i show her with my work. and with my determination. no one said this life would be easy. and i want to show her that no matter how hard it is -- the true joy in life comes from living how YOU want to live. i want her to find something in this world and be proud of what she does. be proud to struggle and sweat and cry for what she loves. writing has always been that life for me. first with hip hop publications then with poetry now with my essays and novels. i do this to prove to my daughter that you are the only person that can make this life worthwhile...


damn dat...

i watched spike lee's movie - she hate me. i think that was such a bunch of bullshit.
it was a film about a man who did the right thing and blew the whistle on his bullshit company
(enter enron or worldcom) and in turn they freeze his account and basically blame him for everything. to get by
homeboy impregnates about 18 lesbians so that they can have a family without the rigamorow of same sex adoption, sperm bank failures, etc... in the end, he somehow convinces his ex girlfriend turned lesbian and her partner to let them have a threesome while raising their two sons... no doubt this picture was created by fukn spike lee.
sometimes it burns my spirit -- folks yelled at halle about letting billy bob hit it in monster's ball -- but i ain't hear nothing about the unfair portrayal of lesbians in spike lee's joint! it was like. the fact she chose to be with a woman was strictly based on her interest in the p*ssy -- not her commitement to the person inside her -- the true being that she could no longer ignore.
all she needed was some good d*ck and she would change her mind! i've heard that penis envy crap sooo much it's disgusting!

i dont know why it hurt so much to see it -- i think i was expecting some miraculous moral to pop out at the end and be enamored (like when i watched mo betta or even X). but the ethics part -- was solved and sealed in the beginning when he called the ethics commission. all that ova ish about lesbians needing d*ck -- so much that they had sex with homeboy instead of artificial insemenation (cause it was THAT good!?) was just fukn nuts! and i love men. i am in love with a man. and can't see my life without him. but -- there is such a thing as respecting someones lifestyle. and to diminish someone's choice of happiness as a simple luck of the draw is ridiculous.
and im not even a lesbian!

Saturday, February 26, 2005

untitled 3155 (WIP)

she used to move for the thrill of music
infatuated with the filling of her soul
it happened at night, mostly

molded her figure with shadows
and smoke swirled around her perfection
like chalk

outlining life's misfortunes
her smile never held a candle
but her breath whispered vigiles
chanting him back to her

he never heard the rhythm
received vibrations from his true love
and she didn't know how to accept this

so she dances under moons
for a glimpse at a world beneath
God's tongue

Friday, February 25, 2005


was talking to my girl the other day -- and it never ceases to amaze me how people try to stomp out your happiness.

i once dated a man that i thought i would be with forever. i would've fought the devil for him (sheesh, sometimes - i did) and i thought he would do the same for me. i learned later, that it wasn't as balanced as i thought. i was expendable and to an extent, so was our daughter. it was a tough lesson to learn. i put this man on a pedastal above my father... and even when we were down and out and trying to "work" it out -- he always found a way to make me feel like crap. when i had my first interview with Cash Money and Outkast, he would sneer -- protest that he should be meeting these people and not me. it was disgusting. i began to write poetry as a means to not kill him. and i became pretty good at it -- atleast, that's what the crowd led me to believe. but it was so needed. the support from people who didn't know me from a can of paint! when i decided to share this new part of my life with him -- i will never forget the look of disapproval on his face. my poetry was very familiar in the street life, as that's where i was from. that's what i knew. i wanted to break down somethings we did in the street so that we could understand the process better. i was very tongue in cheek... using curse words, sexuality and glaring honesty to get my poem across. the crowd stood to their feet and gave me a standing ovation. he remained in his seat. said, that was cool. and looked away. the following poet that took the stage was a good friend and strong well spoken political charged sista. she was and is brilliant. after she performed. he stood up for her and whispered to me -- you need to be like HER!

and just like that. my happiness crumbled. atleast, it almost did. i considered leaving poetry alone completely. i later left him. and my girlfriend -- she has been enduring that type of bull with this dude who don't know NO betta. she is extremely smart and beautiful and just good! she is sooo good to her friends and her family. but she allows creeps to feed off her goodness. i call them watchers. people who try to suck the life force from you. try to take whatever good you have going and make it their own...

im lucky to have an incredible supportive man in my life now. i want her to have that. someone who just wants her to be happy -- regardless of whatever else happens. i think i want everyone to have that -- support like that makes us better humans! we need to know we are valued. and beautiful and yea, we may have flaws we are working on -- but atleast we are focused. eyes on the prize and love in our hearts.

geez, i have no idea why i even got started... i probably just need to eat...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

watching VH1

30 years of hip hop series.

its so enlightening... there were some things that i didn't even know, and as a Hip Hop journalist, i should be shamed of myself...

also watched ego trip's race o rama... its about race relations and its mind boggling. i watched about 5 joints in a row and they ranged from: interracial dating, black hysteria, the new n*gga's, and some others. it was crazy! watching kool keith receive a lapdance (blindfolded) and able to recognize just from the movements, the race of the dancer! i was stuck! J and i debate about interracial dating all the time. i try to show him the pain it can cause in the community, as a black woman. and he argues the point of a human finding happiness and their allegiance to themselves. it usually becomes heated -- but it definitely is an opportunity to learn about human behaviour...

anyway. life is still -- standstill. my emotions go from 0 - 60 any given day. and i can't even kick a ball across the living room to release steam.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

the watcher (WIP)

i know you are watching
me swollen with happiness
and life after you is just as bright
and clear and fufilling and definite
as your tears
and your goodbye

lies taste like chicken
makes me want to turn vegan
but the bone attached to the meat is inticing
and i need reasons to scribe depression

i know your fingers
trace and re-trace alphabets
while ring and index tip toe across keyboards
like tap dancers

i am certain
you will never find an answer
you will never stop for air
this act is your medication
psychotic behavior is much scarier
in person

you've started a ritual
swirling ideas inside your dome
allowing dillusions to shape your reality
color me badd and you beautiful
its easier and predictable
since you have lost the desire to change

you have stopped searching sunrises
for theories
stopped cleaning shoes with polish
stopped washing dishes while meditating
stopped reading novels to spark ideas
you have settled
became your own worst enemy
a creative ball of insecurity, teeth
and shifty glances

this must be
how mountains of salt feel
after looking back

every morning...

my neighbors wake me with church music...
very loud, gospel songs on repeat at 645am is just wrong.

which one is more...

screwed up:

loving someone so much it hurts...
or not loving them so you dont get hurt?

both sounds like a freekin' formula for a bad romantic comedy... i swear. i hate the world right now! too much cabin fever -- and i can not maintain my sanity while sitting in my house for weeks at a time with an itchy cast and numb toes!

its not fair!
its not fair!

i am so not the dependent type of person. i need to move and breath on my own. make life happen and choose choices that instigate change. im not built for this! its no surprise! ive never been the type to wait for people to do tings for me. and now that i HAVE to - i think my brain is going to bleed out of my ears and through my mouth! arghhh this WHOMMPS (made up word that means its all bad -- something i learned after watching disney channel...)!

until the meds start working: i hate you!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

inspiration: patricia smith

so im surfing the web... i love this woman. she sent me a book of her work after we slammed against each other at Bar 13 (i slammed with this 4 times or is 5 times national indie winner!?) anyway, i've been accepted into a writing program that she is facilitating. and i am so anxious! here is just a small portion of her greatness!


Poseidon was easier than most.He calls himself a god,but he fell beneath my fingerswith more shaking than any mortal.He wept when my robe fell from my shoulders.I made him bend his back for me,listened to his screams break like waves.We defiled that temple the way it should be defiled,screaming and bucking our way from corner to corner.The bitch goddess probably got a real kick out of that.I'm sure I'll be hearing from her.She'll give me nightmares for a week or so;that I can handle.Or she'll turn the water in my well into blood;I'll scream when I see it,and that will be that.Maybe my first child will be born with the head of a fish.I'm not even sure it was worth it,Poseidon pounding away at me, a madman,losing his immortal mindbecause of the way my copper skin swells in moonlight.Now my arms smoke and itch.Hard scales cover my wrists like armour.C'mon Athena, he was only another lay,and not a particularly good one at that,even though he can spit steam from his fingers.Won't touch him again. Promise.And we didn't mean to drop to our kneesin your temple,but our bodies were so hot and misaligned.It's not every day a gal gets to sample a god,you know that.

-- excerpt from Patricia Smith's poem medusa

Monday, February 21, 2005


i have nothing but time to think about things these days.
my actions and reactions.
how i define myself.
my morals and ethics and what i want in life.
what my goals are and my beliefs -- if they support me obtaining those goals in life.

it will be 3 weeks tomorrow that i have been stuck with this plastered cast to my leg.
hot flashes and countless reality tv shows later i have nothing but time to think
and rethink about my decisions and choices. writing as a career. my livelihood. my child. my love. our future.

i have to go brainstorm... read up on my favorite novelist from london via colorado... and hopefully marinate a masterpiece.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

untitled 3112 (serious WorkInProgress)

There is a funny bone breaking through our grin
It hurts with urgent intuition
Women know
I presume men do as well, but choose to ignore
The obvious

We check out the stars behind 3-D lenses
colors reverberate like his voice
whispering untruths as hands swim beneath panty lines
I don’t really desire him
But can’t see the stars without an air of want surrounding me
So I give him my whole

Wait for big dippers and comets to shower
This train wreck
It never comes
Neither do I

Life holds punch lines like hostages
Spreads fingers over necks
Controls the pulse with threats
And tightens its grip to show who’s boss

We’ve begun to ignore the ugliness too easily
Too often
Shoulder shrugs and smirks replace
Action and persistence
It stinks
Twisting fear like dreads
Til’ knots cease our questioning
Our nods remain

We are the beginning of non existence
Content with paychecks and SSI that we’ll never see
There has to be more
Big and fiery
Shining beyond the constellations

Friday, February 18, 2005


thats how my foot feels
sheesh, thats how my life feels

my family is incredible... i am going broke over here and my auntie and my grandmother and even my sister (in her own twisted way) have looked out. my cousin called to check on me (sorry i aint called back yet desi) and i just feel really blessed. really. it has been hell trying to get to sleep. so i just watch him sleep and try not to ask for too much.

its hard being helpless... might have something to do with me being a bit of a control freak. not a big freak -- but definitely one who likes to know what is going on -- when where how and how fast... The L Word starts this sunday and my stoopid ass has cable --- but forgot to get SHOWTIME... assmunch!

taking a lot of calcium pills...tory from the BX hooked me up with some soy product that is good too -- i just havent been able to get out of this house and find it. J covered the windows by the bed because the breeze was crazy cold -- unfortunately, all we had was a black garbage bag -- so it looks like its dusk in the bedroom ALL THE TIME! depressing...

but im still blessed. been writing -- might put something on here tomorrow... or maybe later tonite... i have to live vicariously thru u -- so tell me what are you doing?? don't spare any details! please

Thursday, February 17, 2005

watching too much reality tv like:

strange love
fear factor
real world
ultimate fighting champion
ashlee simpson show
starting over
super nanny
great american race
american idol
my super sweet 16
trading spouses

im addicted. i know. my leg is crazy itchy -- big toe still won't wiggle. been writing some more on unKePt... also, destroy rebuild and other reconstructions of the human muscle is being edited as we speak. thats a plus... a big plus!

i got accepted into the cave canem workshop! ms. patricia smith is the facilitator of the 11 week writing workshop... got the acceptance letter yesterday! how flyy is that? thank god it don't start until mid March... i think i'm over the "damn! what happened to you?" and "you suing?" i love the consideration and concern -- but the questions never change so it's a bit tedious... mentally tedious!

gotta figure out how to go record dis damn album ...something beautiful -- finally got to sleep last nite. i was awake for almost 2 days! ran out of meds so my foot was jumping and shocks were flying thru it -- i felt like my toes were gonna pop off! i thought i was gonna lose my MIND!

oh yea, my boy MIKE CIRELLI is taping for DEF POETRY next week! i'm sooo excited for him! he deserves to be happy. homeboy works with kids like nobody i know and he loves it. he is one of the few cats who give his all and don't expect anything in return... he's the white eminem!

anyway, back to the tv...

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


ive been reading online about broken ankles and dislocated ankles and it's just sux-y
everything is so DAMN depressing...
reading people's blogs who have been on crutches for 6 MONTHS!
i'm like holy shyt! another woman talked about not losing the
swelling for almost a year! jeeeeeeeesus
im so scurrrrrrred - i can't think straight! :(
all the what if's that have taken over my mind is blowing my concentration!
i did write a poem - but who cares when i may never walk right AGAIN!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

when i grow up:

i wanna be BEYONCE.
i decided while watching a day in the life type of deal on MTV2
where my girl amanda diva was hosting (go mama!) and that's when i realised
she's doing the damn thing!
cats be hating on her, ex-members -- whateva!

im thinking: she is gorgeous
can sing like whitney before crack
she is statuesque but still looks like she enjoys eating (something i pride myself in)
she is kicking it with jigga i can do without (his flow is sick but that's it...)
and she is mega to trying new things like acting (though i think she should cut that ish out) and producing (which i applaud her on!)
and she is incredibly nice... not bitchy, but down home gyrl NICE...

yup. so i decided. i wanna be BEYONCE when i grow up... now i just have to start doing some voice lessons, and wearing stilletos when performing... i dunno, i'm kinda infatuated with my adidas collection -- but hey. im down for the new ness... super star dom here i come!

it was sweet

i've been having spasms throughout my left leg and foot all day...
but i got a beautiful dunkin donuts breakfast -- hey don't laugh!
i've been feenin' for donuts for almost 3 weeks now! and he got me a coffee!
i got an incredible dinner, a cupcake with jelly beans on top and a single rose... classic!

right now im trying not to OD on tea and i find myself looking away for hangers!
i truly wanna scratch my leg... im trying to refrain...hope your day was swell!

Monday, February 14, 2005

valentine's day...

happy beautiful lover's day to you...

what i wanna do:

candlelit dinner
live jazz band
hot bucket nekked-ness

what i will probably get:
live jazz band cd
ong bak movie

tell you how it works out...

Friday, February 11, 2005

bone crack:

pain tearing from bones
and skin
and mouth
tongue wailing
praying outloud
limbs twisted
face contorted
cold and final
body thrown across the slab
like lamb
tears mixed with snow and dirt
more crying
fingers throbbing of pain
pain swimming with memories
sure to visit its victim when shadows
hug eyelids

Thursday, February 10, 2005

in love

and broken footed...

damn -- what a combination


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

artists struggling with real life -- here's a book

bullshit or fertilizer: tough love for artists on the fence
by pierre bennu

preferred by saul williams, tish benson and several other artists. small book. great affirmative read

a lil betta...

went to physical therapy today
got the big old wet cast removed
and received a smaller, tighter
and more painful(er) -- poetic discretion, dammit - cast

talked to the workshop site in the city
good gig coming up as soon as the cast is removed
do i hear angels singing?? whoa!

of course, i hear people say "you should slow down" or "that means you need to slow down" or "take ya time"... im like. YO. don't you see me trynna take ova the world?
no sleep til brooklyn, kidd... word up beastie boys!
lucky me. toes aren't as swollen. definitely tender still...can't really bend them.
thanks to my lil brother poision pen, for bringing me the dvd's -- that's right people... flowers are dope - but dvd's will keep me sane! arghhhhh (as i flip the channel and wait for hero with jet li to begin).

good work on the way. just gotta figure out how to do it from home... hopped up the stairs today from the physical therapist. i almost lost a lung. J got me some seafood. first real food i ate in a week, besides soup (and somehow i talked him into getting me a salad). but im here. we are here.
fam is stressing, but we goin' make it (intro music: LOX WE GOIN MAKE IT!)

Punany revival show coming up. should be fun -- don't know how much i will remember. i plan on taking a lot of drugs. jam on it pops off this sat. if you can't come thru -- wish us luck!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

whoa is meeeeee

in major pain
got my cast wet :(

driving J crazy...
loving fruit bars right now

hating stairs...:(
wanna bedpan
disgusting....really it is

still can't solid too much foods so im focusing... focused on the shows:
feb 12, sat @ JAM ON IT LAST TIME 2 RSVP
feb 13, sun @ in New Jersey, PUNANY REVIVAL...

gonna try to write...

Monday, February 07, 2005

is it the codeine?

Ask me 4 questions:-
They can be any 4,
no matter how personal or private or random.
I will answer everything;
I may answer them privately, though.
Feel free to do the same.

stolen from loudpoet via ocvitor

Sunday, February 06, 2005


broke my ankles in 3 places. and i dislocated it.
had a gig in london - tried to talk the surgeons into letting me
get on the plane with a full-leg cast
they put me on bed rest for 3 months.

got released sometime after the surgery and before they
ignored me and cries -- damn IV was hurting and they ignored it
till i found my voice (oh yea, i lost it cause of the oxygen tube stuffed down my
throat during the surgery)
and then they tried to tellme they weren't neglecting me!
i hate bklyn hospitals.

finally on my way home. but not before the security guard follows me outside and asks me
"did they say you can keep that gown?"
im too doped up to lie. or be mad. i just slouch into the too small front seat of
the saturn. and wait till we get to the stoopid apartment
where i fell in the first damn place.
crawled 4 flights up to my apartment.
on codeine and other stuff. can't think straight.
my toes r swollen...



Wednesday, February 02, 2005

the hate

so the mcdonald's commercial has been causing a lot of commotion throughout the poetry community and i'm thinking - damn. people are hating left and right. evil ass blogs condeming her. people citing her as the end of poetry as we know it!

now, im a bit biased. i know the systa who recorded the commercial with a "stereotypical" love jones flow. she is a very sweet lady and supportive as hell. and i wasn't mad. i feel like - i rather a poet get paid to be a poet than an actor get paid to be a poet.