dunno...

was talking to my girl the other day -- and it never ceases to amaze me how people try to stomp out your happiness.

i once dated a man that i thought i would be with forever. i would've fought the devil for him (sheesh, sometimes - i did) and i thought he would do the same for me. i learned later, that it wasn't as balanced as i thought. i was expendable and to an extent, so was our daughter. it was a tough lesson to learn. i put this man on a pedastal above my father... and even when we were down and out and trying to "work" it out -- he always found a way to make me feel like crap. when i had my first interview with Cash Money and Outkast, he would sneer -- protest that he should be meeting these people and not me. it was disgusting. i began to write poetry as a means to not kill him. and i became pretty good at it -- atleast, that's what the crowd led me to believe. but it was so needed. the support from people who didn't know me from a can of paint! when i decided to share this new part of my life with him -- i will never forget the look of disapproval on his face. my poetry was very familiar in the street life, as that's where i was from. that's what i knew. i wanted to break down somethings we did in the street so that we could understand the process better. i was very tongue in cheek... using curse words, sexuality and glaring honesty to get my poem across. the crowd stood to their feet and gave me a standing ovation. he remained in his seat. said, that was cool. and looked away. the following poet that took the stage was a good friend and strong well spoken political charged sista. she was and is brilliant. after she performed. he stood up for her and whispered to me -- you need to be like HER!

and just like that. my happiness crumbled. atleast, it almost did. i considered leaving poetry alone completely. i later left him. and my girlfriend -- she has been enduring that type of bull with this dude who don't know NO betta. she is extremely smart and beautiful and just good! she is sooo good to her friends and her family. but she allows creeps to feed off her goodness. i call them watchers. people who try to suck the life force from you. try to take whatever good you have going and make it their own...

im lucky to have an incredible supportive man in my life now. i want her to have that. someone who just wants her to be happy -- regardless of whatever else happens. i think i want everyone to have that -- support like that makes us better humans! we need to know we are valued. and beautiful and yea, we may have flaws we are working on -- but atleast we are focused. eyes on the prize and love in our hearts.

geez, i have no idea why i even got started... i probably just need to eat...