2005 in Review

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
um..started a business.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
yes. atleast two of them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
sorta. but one is due in feb 06.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes. jimmani was killed in front of his wife and four kids.

5. What countries did you visit?
Only the UK this year. I know, I'm slipping

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
security. comfortablity. no pain.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
2/2 - i broke my ankle. 6/06- amari's school play 9/10 - the start up of Jam On It

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
putting together my own publishing group.

9. What was your biggest failure?
i think getting over the small stuff. i'm bad at that. i think it all has meaning to some bigger picture.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yes. broken ankle

11. What was the best thing you bought?
UG boots for the hurt ankle. and toe spacers. i know. not fun at all... oh yea, some books. sylvia plath, asha bandele, bell hooks and sapphire. classics.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
amari and j. dealing with me is hard core.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
me. jumping to conclusions and acting in haste will forever be my downfall.

14. Where did most of your money go?
clothes and bills. mainly bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my publishing company. penmanship publishing!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
ordinary people and come on and go with me -- john legend. anything by dangerdoom, sean price and G-Unit. what a combo...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
dance while i could. and really taken in the scene when i was traveling.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
cried.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with grandmother and sister neices and nephews.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
my guy.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
every time he made me laugh or wiped away my tears.

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favorite TV program?
america's next top model

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yea. in a "i hope you get help" sorta way.

26. What was the best book you read?
house on mango street. bliss was pretty good. and i re-read pearl cleage. now the worst was that damn "addicted" book by ZANE.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
damien rice.

28. What did you want and get?
i pod. 29.

What did you want and not get?
a smoothie machine

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Crash! Rize. Mad Hot Ballroom. Roll Bounce

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
none of your DAMN business and i went out to dinner with J and Amari and crutches.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
finishing for my bachelor's

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
jeans. UG's, foam slippers. cute top. comfortable.

34. What kept you sane?
writing short stories, poems and business plans.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
jennifer anniston. she is the reflection of every woman that was cheated on and the whole world knew about it.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Hurricane Katrina/Tookie Williams Execution

37. Who did you miss?
my grandmother

38. Who was the best new person you met?
bassey. she is strength personified

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
don't hold grudges. it only takes away from your shine. besides - they usually hate you because they ain't you...

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
cherish the day - sade
we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy - seal

i'm all smiles

i've never had that much fun before...

that said...

time to start getting our bags together. amari is walking away with a bag full of clothing - enough for a small village of children.

still sick. i want it to be gone before i get on the plane - cause i don't want to chance catching a sinus infection.

still addicted to myspace. the people you can build with on there... however - this will always be my blog, fam. i just posted a couple of poems up there -- but you know it's only about me and you - right?

lol

i'm too silly. maybe it's because i haven't eaten in a couple of days. can't taste anything. so i feel it's almost disrespectful to shovel food in my mouth that i can't savor. especially my grandmother's cooking. i think i will bring him a plate home so i can see how he likes it -- like pirates of the carribean.

im bugging. i know.

things fall apart (2)

yea. they do. and it hurts to watch the seams tear from years of pressure.

the new year isn't over yet and i have:

watched my daughter cry because of her father (mr absentee himself)
found my wallet empty (courtesy of a relative)
found out another friend of the family was murdered -- not just MIA
felt my best friend's stomach full with life carrying her first son
laughed with my cousin over times that will never change and hearts that may never try
watched movies
ate dinners
coughed up blood
coughed up my lungs
nursed a flu/cold for the past week
lost my voice
lost my mind
laughed when he called
smiled when he smiled
breathed easy at the thought of bklyn
oakland living aint what it used to be...

note to self:

kill 'em with kindness, does NOT work.

see ya next year?

as of late:

my favorite words/phrases are:

damn dawg! (like damn gina!!!)

flesh (i like how it feels - the teeth to lip moment)

what the hell!? (just as it sounds)

kick rocks (as in beat it)

bitch (it always comes back when im home. i feel horrible about that one)

i can't stand yo azz! (just as it sounds)

thank you, asshole (lovingly, of course)

janky (ex: he was acting janky with the dough. as in stingy)

christmahanzakwannukah (season, obviously)

break of dawn

been up since then. finishing up book: unlikely.
editor needs a hard copy in his hand by first week of january
feel real good about that.

was stranded in san diego.
not so happy about that.

now comes the moment when my sister and i fall out.

it's been bubbling.
and i've threatned to tip the cup
her life is still her life

i have to remember that.
though its hard and i dont want her hurt -- i will hurt her
lol

and so this is mi vida loca
non-stop personality clash
he laughs when i tell him the recent
verbal attack which always ends and begins
with expletives

he thinks we like it
im not so sure.

i mean. i love my family.
but hate all the additives.
however, i know that those are parts that make them --
them
all those flaws
and fuk-ups
are what make them whole
and i cant take the parts that i like:
conversation, laughter, intelligence, creativity, drive, ambition, intiative
and throw away the other parts:
bad choice in men, bad choice in men, guillibe, bad choice in men.

so i have to sit here
and wait for the storm to pass
and if it doesnt hurry - i will have to leave
before one of us tears the roof off this mutha

still striking hot

he's still stuck in that mess and i am here. with all these kids. and a cell phone that works when it wants to.

going to check out LA tonite. hair braiding will have to wait.

writing since early this morning. that's what the hell you get when you come to a place that's 3 hours behind your regularly scheduled program. so i get up at the crack of dawn. and listen to kids fart for fun.

huff -- this is really fun in a nother lifetime. but not when you are under deadline. book: almost done. have to have a first print ready for editor by jan 3rd. only 9 stories to go. lol

or not.

still flying to denver to record the album. that's become worrisome too. i thought i wanted to name it: something beauitful. then i changed my mind. then i liked: black is the color of woman (love bell hooks). and he said that was wack. now im looking at: harsh language.

geez, i dont know what to do. what do you think?

the pressure...

punks

step up to get beat down!

lil brand nubian for dat ass. all is well in cali-forn-i-a

family is still filled with drama and i haven't even made it to the bay yet. im here at my sis' house who has a way of finaggling the grocery store out of free steaks, her new boyfriend - who i'm just not feelin' and about 7 kids two dogs and my lil brother. yup.

all of us. in a 3 bdrm house.

id type more - but im hot in this room of girls. they are having a battle of the "genders" (as amari calls it) and have seperated themselves for the time being.

good news: i am broke again. but the xmas givings will be plentiful. pictures for the kiddies tomorrow will be the gifts for the grown ups. but more so -- this is a tradition my grandmother set up before she passed. this is my memorial to her. so the lint in my pocket aint that bad.

TESTing, 1 - 2

I AM:

Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging


Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes.
All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others.

ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.

Strong, contradictory forces consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the prodigal is wrested from the gallows of their folly, just as the noose tightens and all hope is lost, by the very executioner!

An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around--germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education.

Functional Analysis:
Extraverted Feeling
ESFJs live in their Extraverted Feeling functioning. Feeling, a rational (i.e., deciding) function, expresses opinions easily in the E world of objects and people. ESFJs have the ability to express warmth, rage, and a range of other emotions. Actions are encouraged or rebuked based on how they affect other people, especially people near and dear to the ESFJ. This type's vocal decisiveness predisposes many of its number to facility with administration and supervision.

Introverted Sensing
The secondary Sensing function aids and abets the dominant Fe in that sensate data is collected and at once compared with the inner forms or standards. Data on which decisions are made are thus focused and given a contrast which tends to be stronger and clearer than the original stimuli. The strengthening effect of Si on Fe may be responsible for this type's reputation for wearing their "hearts on their sleeves." At any rate, ESFJs reflect the "black and white" view of reality which is common to the SJ types.

Extraverted iNtuition
Intuition is tertiary--as the ESFJ matures, and as situations arise which call for suspension of criticism, Ne is allowed to play. Under the leadership of the Fe function, iNtuition allows for a loosening of the more rigid Si rights and wrongs; teasing and slapstick humor emerge. ESFJs are also capable of discerning patterns and philosophies, but such perceiving is subject to the weakness of the tertiary position, and the results often lack the variety and complexity of connections that more complex systems require.

Introverted Thinking
The inferior Ti function may rarely be expressed. In fact, ESFJs may take affront at the aloof, detached nature of dominant Ti types, or conversely, be drawn to them. Some ESFJs construct rationale which have the appearance of (Jungian) Thinking logic, but under scrutiny are in fact command performances of "Thinking in the service of Feeling," (i.e., Thinking-like conclusions which do not obey the tenets of impersonal logic; they rather construct scenarios from only those "hard, cold facts" which support the conclusion reached by the dominant Extraverted Feeling function. To wit:
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eatwith knitting needles.-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food

Famous ESFJs:
U.S. Presidents:
William McKinley
William J. Clinton
Jack Benny
Desi Arnaz ("Ricky Ricardo")
Don Knotts ("Barney Fife")
John Connally (former Governor of Texas)
Terry Bradshaw, NFL quarterback
Sally Struthers (All in the Family)
Mary Tyler Moore
Dixie Carter (Designing Women)
Steve Spurrier, Heismann trophy winner, Univ. of Fla. football coach
Sally Field
Danny Glover, actor (Lethal Weapon movies, Predator 2
Margaret Butt
Nancy Kerrigan (U.S. olympic figureskater)
Elvis Stojko (Canadian olympic figureskater)
Fictional ESFJs:
Babbitt (Sinclair Lewis)
Hoss Cartwright (Bonanza)
Leonard "Bones" McCoy (Star Trek)
Monica (Friends)
Haleh (ER)
Donald Duck
Rabbit, Winnie the Pooh

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes3.asp

block ya blessings - reasons to believe

i)
i worry about her. even if i don't like her much. she is only a part of me by default.

ii)
i have so much to do and not enough time. or enough strength. or enough something. but then i get an email. from a sister. a friend. my family. they believe in me. they have faith in me. and that is enough to keep me going.

iii)
fighting myself over titles for the new album. i love the title: Black is the Color of Woman. jive doesn't get it -- the incorrect grammar. i tell him it is what it is. that isnt enough. he's write. i have to be able to find the words beneath my tongue and spray paint them if anyone is to understand this life. these words. this pain. working dilligently.

iv)
he plays me. musically. the inspiration that pours from the turntables thru my ears are filled with life and movement. aspirations and struggle. i never want him to stop playing. me

v)
this summer is the retreat for the writer's series. i'm going. if i have to sneak in somebody's bag - trust me. it will happen. this is what determination looks like.

vi)
amari was beautiful on stage this afternoon. singing off-key like her voice couldnt tear into my heart with just a whisper.

vii)
ahh. the voice over recording was successful. i think we had 9 takes and only 2 full run-thru's. i felt so confident when my voice spoke back to me thru the speakers. will have a screening of the english version as soon as i get the dvd. you'll get the invite.

til then
bklyn readies for cali

wish list

mad hot ballroom (dvd)

margaret attewod (poetry collection)

roll bounce (dvd)

new pair of jeans

my stove fixed

a new bookcase

smoothie maker

a puppy. staffie, mini-bulldog or pit would be perfect!

fell in love

with the kids from ps 115

must see these: don't wait -- just do it!

MAD HOT BALLROOM: i love this joint so much i showed it to amari and had her swing dancing and all! it was so beautiful and i laughed so hard. he thought i was nuts to even rent it. til he walked in and found himself transfixed with the whole process. it showed NYC public school system at an all time high! they were caring and beautiful and i loved every minute of it! :)

BORN IN BROTHELS - i cried like a punk. the photography is incredible. and the stories behind the kids are painful -- and marriage ofthe two is disgustingly beautiful.

MURDERBALL -- this took me awhile to see. i heard so many great things about it -- that i had to wait to see it so i wouldn't judge it to harshly!

hurry up and get 'em!

feelin' real domestix

well, almost. i decided to get the oven fixed so i can make cakes and cookies.

lol

he don't believe me. i guess he forgot how gangsta i can be.

ok. truth be told - he is the cook of the family. but i can make solid meals.

not a lot of variety - but you get what i'm saying. ain't nobody starving, dammit.

anyway, the rain washed away most of the snow, so i'm really digging that! :)

gotta finish off the melvin van peebles article.

and re-learning lines for the voice over session on monday.

word is there might still be a strike... so not prepared for that one, yo.

new addiction: www.myspace.com/mahoganybrowne or for music www.myspace.com/mahoganylbrowne

yea i know what you're thinking. and the answer is -- so what, dammit. i've had the account since October with no pics or nothing. then i decided to update it with the mp3's cause i was tired of re-sending the joints (in hopes that my own website) would be operable! no such luck. and i only have faith in a few things. sooo - that said. i'm over there. but my heart will always be with you. the well read, opinionated, open-minded readers that you are.

love: got the book Ai's vice in the mail. as well as Asha Bandele's Subtle Art of Breathing.
yea, i know -- who's fukn wit dat?!

fa real

strike 1

we are in limbo

waiting for the MTA (subway) employee's decision on whether to strike or not.

if they do: no work
no driving into the city without 3 other people in the car
no work
no work

damn...

so far so good. they haven't pulled the employee's and the contract ran out this morning @ 12:01am.

but the good news is - the DSL line is being installed. cable tv is back n effect. and a new number for el telefono! holllller. :)

guns are bad.

last nite was cool. read all new work. got the flyest compliments from pepe.
gave him the bootleg of rent and trivia questioned off an ainsley burrows book.

went to my voice over session
too bad i was an entire day early!

huff
passed all the shoe stores.
it was beautiful

madison square area has most shoe stores
and it was hard -- but i did it.

back to work

m

bootleg wednesdays

that's what i've named the nuyo open slam on wednesdays.
the night i host

this is the night that i give out bootleg dvd's to the audience.

that said. i am working on 2 articles and 2 installments for: book

also -- i am sketching out the details for my Battle DVD set

and: writing the proposal for $ for JAM

we need it. if you got it. give it.

been thinking:
when the songs became the rhythm
that flows like we do in summer
i wonder
how these days fall dim
and the most fly sin
cause it's warmer than sidewalks in summer
block hot babies double dutch
like ropes and i hope this remains
in your clutches like dollas
it meets the light of all things
the truth can be seen
if you focus instead of pointless screams

yup. i'm a rapper. decided that just now. lol that would be my freestyle! no type back son! album bout to be out. i have a couple of collabos that i'm waiting to process. and vegas witchcraft has produced some beautiful sounding ish mannnn, i tell ya!

but im not touring this one, fam. you can cop it from the new website (which will be done sooner than you think!) but the blog will still be in effect. trust me. where else would i rant and rave and still have friends afterwards?

word

best of bklyn

bullet points (#2)

last nite. we went to view the greatness that is BLACKSTAR. featuring jean grae, pharoah monch and K'Naan. i have to write a review of the show for BET.COM - so i'm not gonna get into details here -- just know, it was worth the footache. now to our worldly news...

she was killed. a 24 year old mother was killed yesterday while pushing her child to safety before the dump truck slammed her into an instant death. i am feeling this hard.

A woman was struck and killed by a truck in Brooklyn Monday. The accident
happened shortly before 7:30 a.m. on the corner Broadway and Myrtle Avenue in
Bushwick. Police say the truck was making a left turn onto Myrtle when it hit
the 24-year-old, whose name has not yet been released. She was pronounced dead
at the scene. No summonses have been issued so far, and police say the driver
has not been arrested

tookie's dead. J and i have been arguing about our position on this clemency plea from one of the founder's of the CRIP gang. but in the end - it doesn't matter. he was executed @ Midnight (california) time. he was in the same prison as my father and 3 uncles. i don't know how i feel about this anymore. it may be too much to process this early in the morning without the assistance of coffee.

Jackson, who met with Williams after Schwarzenegger declined to grant clemency,
said Williams also told him: "I feel good. I have no fear. I've been here
before," referring to his former gang days.
Schwarzenegger held a private,
hourlong clemency hearing Thursday, and attorneys and the public waited through
the weekend for his decision. After losing a bid late
Sunday for a stay of execution from the California Supreme Court, his attorneys filed a petition
with the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. The 9th Circuit rejected that appeal at 11:30 a.m. Monday. Schwarzenegger rejected the clemency bid an hour later. Williams' attorney, Jonathan Harris, filed a new petition with Schwarzenegger, asking for a stay of execution instead of clemency. Unlike the clemency petition, which was based on redemption, this petition was based on new evidence. Harris said three witnesses had come forward in the past week providing information that corroborates Williams' claim of innocence.

"I asked the governor to give us a stay, to give us time to investigate the statements of these men that came forward," Harris said. "I'll e-mail, I'll fax, I'll call his office. I'll drive it to him if I have to." Williams' legal team also filed two petitions with the U.S. Supreme Court, asking to stay the execution and to reopen Williams' case. The nation's highest court rejected the petitions about 6:30 p.m. Political experts on both sides of the aisle said Schwarzenegger made the right decision, at least from a political standpoint.
"Unlike the special election or some of his other decisions, this is one that most people in California will support," Republican consultant Allan
Hoffenblum said. "He ran on a campaign of supporting the death penalty, and there were no facts to change his mind on this. The only ones opposed to this are those who oppose the death penalty in all circumstances."

with all that to process - my ass get's a "no seatbelt" ticket. (yea, i'm still mad). but i see something gleaming in the distance. and it smells like peach cobbler and success. my favorite :)

be safe.

blkyn livewire

my slogan! - thanks delrica for the sloganizer :)

Grab Life by the Mobrowne.

3's cause TAYLOR said so

Think Three

3 screen names I have:
mobrowne
mahoganybrowne
mobrownee

3 physical things I like about myself:
eyes (all the time)
breasts (in the right shirt)
butt (in the right pair of jeans)

3 physical things I don't like about myself:
stomach
thighs
ankle/foot :( just the broken one

3 parts of my heritage:
black
west indian
native american (yea, black and MO black)

3 of my everyday essentials:
internet
coffee
love

3 of my favorite musicians:
otis redding
bull withers
nina simone

3 of my favorite songs (at the moment):
at last - etta james
feel'n good - nina simone
love you more than you'll ever know - donny hathaway

3 things I want in a relationship:
love
honesty
romance

3 lies:
it's cool
my feelings aren't hurt
i'm superwoman, no really, check the cape SON

3 of my hobbies right now:
nothing
nothing
and reading - which fuels my writing - so nothing again :(

3 things I want to do really badly now (with a special someone):
kiss
hold hands
hug

3 careers I've considered doing:
pediatrician
writer
writer

3 places I would like to go on vacation to:
brazil
jamaica
japan

3 kid's names I like:
amari
ava
ramad

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical dude/lady:
i'm a woman that likes shoes -- almost as much as men
size matters
i always think i look fat

3 people I would like to see take this quiz:
thirteen
crystal
bassey

welcome to NY

i just got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt

my cop was a young brother with bad braids.

this is the second one in less than a year

im so not happy about this.

let's hope those tickets to mos def, kweli, jean grae and pharoah make me smile

word

3 inches

of snow.
so not cool

the small spaces: pics that remind me

this is when i have a break thru. this moment right here. where im looking thru the pictures that i've taken while touring and meeting people. pictures i've taken during holiday. or pictures i've taken to freeze that moment of absolute beauty and happiness for a moment when i needed to see it most.

i am fighting this. the fear of feeling undeserving. the fear of history repeating itself. it all brims over. like too much coffee. and mind you, i havent had any coffee this morning. so i'm very clear about my position.

i am blessed. and in love and loved. and i know it. those days when the winter creeps up on me and attaches itself to my back, are hard. but not as hard as it could be if i were really alone. if my sister and my grandmother and my aunt and my man didn't love me as much as they do -- if i didn't have them, i know i wouldn't have this life that allows me to write and live and be.

this is where i find my fears laying quietly. hoping i dont find the smiles and memories that remind me how blessed i am. hoping that i dont ask it to leave, permanently. it likes to hold me too. but i've no hands for that type of love. and the energy it takes to feel so vunerable is tasking - so i renige. take back my happiness and walk away in the sunset like an old country and western flick.

these are what i call her london boots :)

da dude...and damn can he write

an austinian that writes her ass off and makes me laugh hard

this is how i see my daughter. happy, dancing and loving life

favorite londoner. her strength is her most beautiful attribute.

he's such a bad influence. i never flipped the bird before i met him... :) than i guess he has taught me some important things too. i see u, j.

a pic of jono & his mother jo -- i love them

young and restless

i am neither young
nor restless

a bit disturbed. it will pass.

just stay with me

to do: wednesday

hair re-braided
post office
teach workshop @ job corp
oil change
physical therapy
submit grant application
memorize script for voice over
america's next top model FINALE


there really aren't enough hours in the day

a depressing note. DO NOT read if you are having a bad day, trust me

when its all said and done. you only have YOU. no one has your back. not even your mother. she will turn her head for whatever gleamers at a time you need her the most. but that's not the point of this entry.

this is about sorrow.

one so deep that if i opened my mouth you'd see nothing but pain. i dont know where its coming from. but it sneaks up on me sometimes. like prowlers. and stalkers.

im being stalked by my own consciousness. how wack is that? i thought if i left a bad relationship. a bad environment. it would all work out. now i have to deal with the truth.

my brother is fighting a bid
my fifteen year old cousin is fighting a bid
my mother is no where to be seen
my father is still gone - a home behind bars somewhere in California
my grandmother is dead
my grandfathers have both passed.
my daughter's father plays house when he feels like it.


i have my grandmother stressing over the bullshyt in cali and a sister running from the same demons as me. my daughter wants to know why i write so much. i dont know what to tell her outside of it's work. how will we eat. have lights. a house. clean clothes. shoes on our feet - if i dont.

no one will help us, amari. her eyes always tear up with fear at this moment. she doesn't understand.

this life hasn't been easy. and it's not as bad as most - i admit that. but its mine. and sometimes, i just want to hang it on a hanger and let it air out. its heavy with want for something easier. more tangible. less painful. more fluffy. less dark. less heavy. less evil. more loving. more beautiful. more than this.

this is one of the hardest entries i've ever had to write. while things in my career are moving successfully, my life is still. shuddering at growth. and causing me more grief than i ever admitted. i want it to stop. the pain of the unknown. who will have my back tomorrow. the list changes everyday. every single minute - i let someone go. i have to. i was taught through many years of practice - you can't trust anyone. and those you can trust - are dead.

so i hug people to feel their soul. wonder if their spirit will hug me back. and sometimes they trick me. make me think they are built of the things i need in my life. the honesty. the truth. the sincerity. the geniuinity. the stuff that good people are made of. and sometimes. they are still good people -- even if they can't give you what you need. just not good for what I need. they aren't demons. i have to remember that.

they aren't bad
they aren't bad
they aren't bad

they are just bad for me. in the midst of this declaration. i have to recognize the same thing in myself. and i do. my candor. my tongue in cheek. my abrasiveness. my brutal honest -- ain't for everyone. you have to be a certain type of secure. a certain type of water off the back -- to get me.

but who gets anyone really? maybe there are only moments that you think you GET someone. moments that you want to get. a point where understanding someone and GET'n them are two completely different animals. or i could be wrong.

and this rant is just another particle that will be lost on your computer screen. as you delete my url from your computer's history. and write me off as just another lunatic writer. and i might do the same thing to myself - if i had the pages to turn and start over. but im stuck with the abriged version of my life. the one i live constantly through memories and tears as bookmarks.

the must have soul collection (no specific order)

16 - tweet (smoking cigarettes? disgustingly beautiful)
15 - musiq
14 - h-town. (what? what you shaking your head 'for?!)
13 - john legend
12 - alicia keys
11 - brian mcknight
10 - raphael saadiq (toni tony tone, included)
9 - nina simone
8 - debarge (the group and chico's first album)
7 - joe (before he started dancing around like maniac)
6- jill scott
5 - mary j blige (the my life album...all day)
4 - lauryn hill (x-factor still hurts my soul)
3 - donny hathaway (if i ever loved you baby?? cmon!)
2 - meshell ndegecello
1 - dangelo

who am i missing?

my mental state:

Crazy by seal

In a church by the face
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
Oh darlin
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
Ohh
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday

sabatoge

i have a way of doing that/
just when people get close enough to me/
when i think i could possible/somehow/
depend on them/just a little/

i do this.

to those i hurt:

i truly apologize. please don't write me off as just another nut case.

when in doubt

say nothing.

not even a whimper of the emotions

clouding your breathing and never

ever -- tell the truth about your wounds

no one wants to hear the thumping

the ill faulter has no substanitality

just the reflection of a human

gleaming with an expiration date

tatooed in blue ink

first saturdays (a review)

so we went to the brooklyn museum of art for the monthly free walk thru.

after dolling ourselves up nicely, i can say so myself, we arrived to little parking options and cold ass weather.

once inside the musuem, we rushed to the 3rd floor for a go at the free tango lessons. the ballroom sized room was packed with beginners tripping over each other and skipping thru an imaginary maze. we were intimadated. so much so - we retreated into the exhibit room to take a peek at the egyptian art.

amari saw her very first mummy. and so did i.

it was freaky as hell. that's when the guy started playing tour guide and hip'd us to the reason for the small size of the dead. "they were really young" he offered. citing king tut and even napoleon.

within an hour we decided to head back to the ballroom to conquer our fear. nothing had changed. there were still bodies propelling themselves within the confines of a museum's ballroom at a speed unchartered. we decided to become a part of the madness.

let's just say my new boots *which were warm and flyy* and his savvy looks weren't spared from the embaressment that is offbeat. we scuffled around like maniacs leaving even my 8 year old laughing with pink glee. she thought we looked off key. and said so before running to sit down with my belongings to play patty cake with another lil' girl.

but we tried. and it was fun. so - so what if i can't tango, i'm a writer for goodness sakes.

next month: ballroom dancing :)

in them jeans

i dont wanna hear another damn song about what anybody got in their damn jeans.

especially since i went to buy a couple of pairs, brought them home, and realized

i can no longer fit in the size, none of your damn business, jeans anymore!

now i have tried to talk myself into returning them all together

rather than purchasing the correct size.

that would just be admitting that im a fat ass. NO, not a PHAT ass. but in every literal

sense possible.

and if i admit that i'm that size - then my whole closet full of hopefulness will need to be thrown away.

am i ready for that committement? i dont think so.

so my next best bet is to -- take back the pants, and get the jeans that i have (with worn thigh prints)

mended at the cleaners for a 3rd of the price.


jean song singers: beware.

round 2 (WIP)

i wonder if he will ever leave her
standing in her own shadow
cold from lonely
skinned knees and teeth cracked
from smiling until it hurt

like she did him

i wonder if it will make sense
the pain that blinds you ugly
rears medusa locks and snakes swivel
turning to the joy of her curves

when it was enough

just to touch her, then
find her scent in your sheets
lather her heavy of your want
and shoulders never heave in sight

the distance wasn't the culprit

it was the honesty in it's wake
the miles that tranposed your daymare
into the light of fury and frustration
tormented your nightfall with taunts of her smile

that would only return with bored pity

the bronx

can be very scary

that is all.