Wednesday, February 15, 2006

PAP SMEAR

PAP SMEAR or the 3rd date, depending on how you look @ it.

the fact that i sat in the doctor's office for 3 hours, just to get a referral on my new INSURANCE for my OLD PHYSICAL THERAPIST is beyond me. and on valentine's day, no less.

so i sit there. smelling people that i've only wished i'd run from. watching judge alex, judge hatchett, judge hatchett (no repeat, just a double taping) and family feud where i want the black family to just shut their mouths instead of answering every question with the word "chicken". seriously.

so i'm finally in the second room waiting with the nurse, when she weighs me and tells me what i fear the most. yes. i have gained 20 pounds in a year. sigh i hate this world. fine. i'm heavier courtesy of bed rest. so what?! tears are slowing cascading inside my dome like a waterfall (damn poet). but really. i zip up my sweatshirt hoody and wait for the rest of the world to stop spinning. or atleast, the black family on family feud to stop saying "chicken".

dr whoever calls me back into the room and says, because its my first time as their patient, i need a physical before they can give me a referral.
"but i only want a referral"
"i can't give it to you without your information being in our system"
"i've been with this hospital for a year. im in your system"
"but we dont have you as a patient with the family doctor, do you understand?"
"i understand that you have had me waiting for 2 hours just for a referral, do you understand"
"im so sorry, i will make this quick for you - but we have to do a physical"

jump scene
"i refuse for you to give me a breast examination"
"ok. no refuse a rectal exam"
"i soooo refuse your rectal exam"
laughing "i mean, i know it's valentine's day but..."
"you sure are a funny doctor. what's your name. i want to put this on my blog"
"what's that?"
"nevermind. can i go yet?"

and then he tells me. i need a papsmear. like that is the ugliest word in the dictionary, i swear. and yea, i know its important. to find out if there is a trace of cancer, if your cervix is healthy, all those things. great. but the word? ughhh maybe we can call it - the vagina check up. that's even nicer than PAP SMEAR. say that damn word outloud and watch everyone grimace. go ahead, try it. seeeeeee! that's what i'm saying.

i mean, smearing anything from my pap -- just sounds rude. and i don't want nobody smearing nothing of mine. period.

3 comments:

Queue said...

I am cracking hte FUK UP! You really need to keep writing htis stuff down - somebody's gonna give you a book deal for it I swear.

poeticjourney said...

Mo your crazy! It is a VERY ugly word, I always did wonder what the hell they were thinking when they came up with that one!!!

Luv' Tina

MzHumminbyrd said...

Third date my Vagina...lol was gonna say a$$ but I got to tickled...lol

Did ya get that referral though....hmmmm????

MzHumminbyrd