Saturday, February 17, 2007

st. valentine and the last couple of days

that day of red that most single people were conditioned to despise, came and went. it was nice for me. as i was surprised with something really beautiful. and him in his all knowing - knew exactly what to get me... though, its funny. i remember sitting in high school home room praying my sweetheart would get me one of those flower-grams that our high school sponsored with a nominal fee.

i dont remember if i ever got it. but i do remember just wanting to feel loved. and more importantly. watching everyone, watch me FEEL LOVE. cause that's what its all about, right? PDA at its grossiest. i mean. when else can you walk around with flowers and candies and teddy bears and hickies on neck (stay with me) and be applauded, for someone loving you so!

and i dont want to hear that "it should happen every day" -- you damn right it should! but does it? probably not.

and that's me in all my wierdness. ive been having a moment, of late. a bit of a sticky situation at a school where i teach poetry. after the event of madness, i was left feeling like a teenage girl from northern california with a color complex all over again. it was not a good feeling. and i left feeling all of 15 years old. vunerable and unworthy. it took me a couple of days to get it out of my system, before i had to return to this class. and i thought i'd be able to cleanse myself of that ugliness. but after two classes (one of which was cancelled)... i decided. im not over it.

my last day at that school will be the first friday of march.

it was a pill to swallow. but i felt it in my bones. the unhappiness that clinges to your matter and swishes itself around the parts that work well -- until, well. they dont. so now im feeling bad. for giving up. for being weak. for not being "adult" enough to just ignore it. for not being "spiritual" enough to turn the other cheek. and then i let it go. realized, i am human and of flesh. and hurt like everyone else. i cant be the superheroine all the time. so its ok to retreat when things get too tough. not that im a quitter.

or maybe i am. either way. this is what was best for me at the time and im willing to live with it.

as soon as i allowed myself to breath in that difficulty, i allowed blessings to walk thru the door. and i received a new residency fitting perfectly in my schedule where the other class was removed.

and now im back to being the artist.

with my new book out and about. i have sold over 100 books in less than 60 days. i haven't been touring, as i have a maniac to think of -- and honestly, her lead role in The Wiz is way more important. word. but i have little things here and there. (check the calendar) and this excites me, as i get to go to my home away from home, that is england -- and pay homage to a dear friend dike, as well as, an organization for single parents, underprivileged and newly clean teens. im honored to return for the program's farewell and feel it couldnt come at a better time in my life.

soon after that. i will be returning with my good friend, Kevin Powell, in the restart of a hip hop movement "HIP HOP SPEAKS" a quarterely forum focusing on the culture and its obligation to the community. i produce the emcee battle segment (which element of hip hop is that) and cant wait to be a part of it once again...its a part of me that i think i miss most. i mean, i came to NYC as a hip hop journalist and remained as a poet... but hey... it's all relative, right?


i will be under the knife again. the first week of april (during my spring break) instead of hitting the beaches of miami or mexico -- i will be getting my foot worked on. yes, again. it is the last step for me to wear shoes again properly -- and if you know me, you know i miss wearing adidias, converse, italian leather and stilettos... this operation will leave me in a bed rest setting for atleast 6 weeks... something i can't allow, as i only have a week and a half off.. but hey. ive made harder things work in less time.

so im back to the lab. sheroshima pre-orders are being mailed (finally) next week. and i am already in the brainstorming process for something beautiful and new and fresh and fun... you'll see


Shelle said...

mo, many continued blessings on your NEW journey...blaze new paths ma, as you always have.

Ebony Stewart said...

LOL you are hilarious and yet so true...that's why we don't even go out on Vday, it's fake love in so many ways-and the prices for simple stuff get jacked up!