we are all fallable. what we choose to do and how we choose to portray ourselves -- is up to us.
the footprint we leave on this world's forehead, will remain exactly as we intended.
whether it was good or bad is only up to us. being a good human being is hard.
im sure. im tested daily. tested with huge things to small things that i deem unimportant until i see the big picture (weeks later)... and it can be trying. hard and tough and sometimes it all seems worthless.
seems like this is going nowhere. like life is nothing but a bad joke. no one wants to be the bad guy. atleast, not me. i like being liked. and liking others. but i also thrive and flourish in the face of adversity and drama. its a bad sign. i dont know what it means. but i do know that i try to steer clear of the poision, even moreso now. its kind of addictive. the drama. don't you think?
the turmoil and emotions and i know people who can't exist without an element of danger lurking near. i never understood it until i hit my mid twenties. then it made sense. that danger of emotions overflowing and intense adrenaline rush makes you feel ALIVE. makes you feel like everything you touch is just bursting with vibrations and feelings. and its gorgeous. to feel that alive. without any regard to the feelings of others -- it's almost impossible to see it all through anyone else's eyes... its definitely a selfish act. selfish and self-absorbed. and wrong.
lately, i've tried to be as considerate as possible. i dont want anyone to feel the pain that i've had to feel in this lifetime. its enough to last me til my grave. i still cry upon mention of my grandmother. my relationship with my mother and brother and father has tarnished like bad silver. i think that is why i moved to NYC. to get as far away from the madness as possible. i think that's why i steer clear of certain men. anyone who acts remotely like my father is history. i think that's why i don't trust myself completely. dont know if i will turn out to be the woman i despise so much. i sound like her more everyday. its scary. i see myself looking at myself and seeing HER...
nervewracking!
i wonder if i will ever win this battle against the demons -- i try to use my poetry as a tool to fight them. my mother's biggest mistake was not living her life. thats why i try to teach amari to do anything she wants. i show her with my work. and with my determination. no one said this life would be easy. and i want to show her that no matter how hard it is -- the true joy in life comes from living how YOU want to live. i want her to find something in this world and be proud of what she does. be proud to struggle and sweat and cry for what she loves. writing has always been that life for me. first with hip hop publications then with poetry now with my essays and novels. i do this to prove to my daughter that you are the only person that can make this life worthwhile...
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2 comments:
Hey Mo,
We all got out demons. Lord knows I got mine. And I come from a place where feeling my own pain is sometimes the only way that I remember that I'm alive. I'm deathly afraid of hurting other people (although I'm starting to gradually become more capable at it...I'm not sure what to make of that though), so I turn it inward. Ultimately, that's what compells me to write, to exorcise those inner demons. Sometimes I even question if I'm really a writer, or just someone who doesn't have a choice but to occassionally throw something up: a poem, a story, a journal entry. I'd love to say that it's about art for art's sake, but really it's about survival for survival's sake. It's all that keeps my going, and all that keeps my head up-- that and the love I get from fam and friends.
I don't know what has you down specifically, but from what I know of you, you'll find a way to make it through it all the better for having endured it. Beyond that, it's the middle of February, it's miserable outside, you've been trapped inside for months, and your leg's all busted up. It'd be strange if you weren't feeling stressed out and drained, given all of that...not to mention all the things that I don't even know about.
We all face those ineluctable dilemmas, the ones where we're caught between goals and needs that we just can't seem to reconcile. Just look at my entry from a week or two back and I layed out a whole bunch of mine. More than anything, the way that we negotiate those challenges and approach those hurdles is what defines our character and the ways that we grow into whatever it is that we'll eventually become. Most people just become content to take the easy way out, which often does mean hurting other people, and it's why most people don't change that much as they get older. It amazes me that it's pretty much accepted that at a certain point in your life you'll just stop growing. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism to prevent yourself from getting the place you've gotten to, and the place I know I've been to innumerable times. The point is, you're good person, a dope writer, and a mother. You wield a huge amount of influence and impacting so many people's lives. I know that it's not an option for you, but I wanted to give you a pat on the back and say, keep it up. Sometimes being a good person can seem like a thankless task, like it would be so much easier to cut corners and just do what it takes to get by, even if that means leaving a trail of debris and wreckage in your wake. I don't know your mother, and I don't know if you're anything like her. But I know that the person you are (assuming you're not a closet psycho like me) has nothing to worry about as long as she keeps forcing herself to confront these kind of questions.
Then again....what the hell do I know?..;-) Hope I could help. Can't wait to see ya again. Take care of you....
This has been your daily pep talk, brought to you by,
Matthew Charles Siegel
muchos gracias for the pep talk... we all need one every now and again. and i will definitely work on my views as an entry... its not asbrasive as most might think... im a sucker for love man...
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