this is when i have a break thru. this moment right here. where im looking thru the pictures that i've taken while touring and meeting people. pictures i've taken during holiday. or pictures i've taken to freeze that moment of absolute beauty and happiness for a moment when i needed to see it most.
i am fighting this. the fear of feeling undeserving. the fear of history repeating itself. it all brims over. like too much coffee. and mind you, i havent had any coffee this morning. so i'm very clear about my position.
i am blessed. and in love and loved. and i know it. those days when the winter creeps up on me and attaches itself to my back, are hard. but not as hard as it could be if i were really alone. if my sister and my grandmother and my aunt and my man didn't love me as much as they do -- if i didn't have them, i know i wouldn't have this life that allows me to write and live and be.
this is where i find my fears laying quietly. hoping i dont find the smiles and memories that remind me how blessed i am. hoping that i dont ask it to leave, permanently. it likes to hold me too. but i've no hands for that type of love. and the energy it takes to feel so vunerable is tasking - so i renige. take back my happiness and walk away in the sunset like an old country and western flick.