Monday, July 17, 2006

in three's

they say the bad news comes in this order... but it hard for me to believe this past month has been a mere count of three. let's see:

1 - first team hurdle, not too much of an upset, but definitely a precedent set for destruction.
2 - second team hurdle, this took 3 weeks to manifest, and when it should have exploded and we walk away carving shrapnel out of our skin -- it imploded, damaging some internal shyt. no recovery as of yet.
3 - third team hurdle, and i thought i would lose it. saw red for a couple of seconds, lost my speech and wanted to start swinging - for no other reason than i could. and it would've made me feel better, instantly. but that's not how adults handle real life ish. ok. breath - count and breath - still counting.

my personal friendships have been the most painful, team slam ish - will pass after august, if anything -- that's just an endurance test -- but friendships, those are what i hope to have for a lifetime. this is the reason i nuture them. implore and challenge the weight.

4. one of my great friends is having the hardest time of her life. and i feel like shyt. i don't know how to help - how to hold her hand, how to hug her... she is a soldier. and she blinks ice in the face of adversity, so even i am a lil' intimidated. but when i saw her face wither and turn to mushy sadness. collage of all the women i knew and loved, i cried with her. i willed her peace. but it didn't matter. she had to finish the course. and the journey left her in another country. i worry of her. and she offers text messages of safety in return.
5. this beauty reminds me of me. the pain, the unknowing, the hurt, the confusion, the blame, the why and the why nots. her will to make it thru the prickley bush is astounding, and she is human. so i try to help nurses the cuts and bruises, offer miso soup and jokes about vegans... she only laughs sometimes
6. no one thought we would connect how we did. but she is like me in so many ways. and i could not help but be her friend. how do you tell an angel im not interested in you having my back? not as easy -- even under such circumstances. but i wish i couldve figured out a better way to protect her. cracker jack interpretations are only funny when one doesn't yearn for a real answer. and i feel horrible. to know the investment she has made is equal to that farm land in Florida. to admit the foundation is built with selfishness, asbestos and fiberglass, is a harder feat than you might think. i know she is strong enough to maintain. and i know she is strong enough to walk this trail alone, but me knowing and her believing are two different things. so i wait. assured she knows i will help her pick up the pieces whenever she is ready.
7. and then there is 1. our friendship was built on books and coffee. and i enjoyed her love for the word and life. and her unwillingness to participate in the poetry bullshit was even more refreshing. but the sound of her breaking heart, even when she read the general surgeons warning on the side of the box which read: he will break your heart. no, really -- is an uneasy slow scrap of pain. it is the bleeding scab, the black eye, the bruised sternum. the crooked house alone with shattered windows. and she is beautiful struggling to maintain her presence. struggling to find herself. again and again, she will fail. she has not learned how awkward her beauty is, yet. but when she does - she will feel better about times like this. when she cried. when she wallowed in pity. when she was slapped out of the idea of happily ever after. then she will fall in love with the happily right fuck'n now. and she will shine. i can't wait to see it.

and i was told that i need to have more me time. the love of my life says i am too involved. too personal. he is right. he is right more often than i give him credit for - but i see him. i peeped him for all his mystically correct splendor. so when he said keep cats out ya pocket. i should've listened.
8. but i trusted her. and thought conversations about life would remain as patchwork for betterment, not ammunition to spill secrets. i don't know how to look at her the same. i wish her the best. she is brilliant, but she needs room to grow.
9. he became a person that i didn't know. someone i had no idea could existe behind such admirable words. or maybe, he was always that person. just on his best behavior? the less i think about it - the better i feel. the more i feel. i wish him well.
10. my sister can be a damn maniac. she is overbearing and loud and bossy. but she is my sister. and now that she is in love, and talks of marriage - all she wants is my support. which is offer - wholeheartedly. but her new half is not my type of person. he made mistakes in the past that reflect a manipulative character. but she is happy. so i am happy for her. however, a decision i made recently which would separate us from interacting has made her sad. sadder than i ever expected. and if i could swallow the decision whole and take back her tears i would. probably. but there is a part of me, that has tired of giving in. i just want to be left alone. chill with my family and if they have their significant other that irritates me, i will remove myself without drama. without any extra additives. i thought that would put her at ease. i usually am all about MAKING YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE if i dont like you. but something happened recently. i grew up. and realized i am an adult. and adults don't have time to worry about tiny things like that. she didn't feel the same. because im still nightmarin' about her tears. and i don't know what to do.

so this is what has happened all those blogs ago. i haven't been able to write because i haven't been able to figure it out. and im still wading thru the madness. but i see the light. and i am feeling like i have a prayer. a hope. a reason to be happy. i have a beautiful daughter and an incredible partner. i am blessed. and while i internalize a lot of my friend's problems -- i know that while taxing, this is only how i know how to be.

a couple of days ago, i had a moment of weakness. life was overwhelming and i couldnt think straight. i wanted to be alone. i wanted to work on breathing and farting and being still. but i went against my judgement and helped a friend -- even though i was in ME mode. and it took a turn for the worse. i left her house feeling more distraught than when i was when i initially walked into her house. and i know she meant well. but, it was a moment of clarity. i needed me time and was willing to give it up so easily. my schedule for the past quarter has been trying to say the least, and those moments when i get to just sit and be quiet are few and far between. so i am figuring out a way to rekindle my love relationship with self. i am wearing more dresses and skirts. i am being happy with the gut that i couldnt seem to lose no matter the exercise, eating regiment, relacor or hydroxycut, i am writing my daughter letters and professing my love. he is beautiful. i tell him every second i can. now, i have to start telling me the same thing. i am writing. working on publishing as promised, but focusing on my shyt. it's been awhile. but i have to focus on me.

this is for all those that love hard, play hard and work hard.

how bout that...?


Shelle said...

YES! and how about that....!


If you don't focus on yourself you'll get lost in contemplating the "if's", take a personal sabbatical to a place you thought you'd never go...

Mahogany L. Browne said...

you aint neva lied, brotha...

joey said...

how 'bout it bout it. so i think cried, dried up, cried, dried up, cried....i thought i was there with you again for a moment, and i wish i was. then we could love and hate each other for loving and hating loving others so much. my throat hurts from holding this lump. i know sometimes it feels like the love backfired on you baby...but it doesn't, after all it is still love, yes?

Mahogany L. Browne said...

i guess that remains to be seen... thank you chica... fa real

Unknown said...

true friendship is a difficult thing to find in the times we live in. especially with the ones we surround ourselves with, shyt most of the people we know make art out of acting like they're on a broadway stage....and a true sense of loyalty between two women, well i've never experienced that before....until now.